The other night, Hattie and I were straightening up the kitchen after the rest of the kids had gone to bed. Earlier, Brian had loaded the dishwasher, but not started it (one of my pet peeves.) As I was loading it with soap and turning the dial, I asked Hattie... "What should we say to Brian when he loads the dishwasher differently than I would do it? And then he doesn't bother to start it running...?" She thought a bit and said "You did it wrong." I smiled at her and responded, "No. We should say 'Thank you.' Even if he didn't do it the way I expected him to, he still was trying to help me/us, and I am grateful." We talked a little more about it, and I felt the message was strongly sent. I explained to her that was one of the many things her dad and I both did wrong in our first marriage - being overly critical of one another, and being under appreciative. Wow, what a wonderful opportunity for an important lesson.
Hattie has been really struggling the past week or so. Emotionally, she is a bit of a wreck. I am not sure why. I believe it has something to do with some trouble at school (missing assignments) but I also know she is dealing with some upset feelings toward her dad. Last night, as I tucked her in, she expressed some of her disappointment to me (on a very limited scale) and I suggested to her that she talk to her dad about her feelings. "I don't know how," is always her response to my suggestion. I reminded her that when she is upset with me, she doesn't have any trouble telling me. When she is upset with Brian, she usually confronts him as well - she admitted that her confrontations with Brian are often with a bad attitude, but that wasn't my focus here. I asked her what I do, and what Brian does, how we respond, when she lets us know how she feels. "You apologize." Hmmm..... "Does Brian apologize?" "Yes." "Even when you are being snotty about it?" "Yes, usually."
Now, what will happen when (if) she tells her dad how she feels? I can't say 100%, but I can certainly guess based on my experience. If she communicates her disappointment at (for example) her Dad not coming to the father-daughter dance at school, then he will likely remind her that she knows he loves her. He will tell her his (often valid) reasons for having caused the disappointment. He will (most likely) offer someone else to blame (MOM, his work, etc.) However, does it really matter what he says to her? No, it absolutely doesn't. What matters is that she is comfortable enough with, aware enough of her own feelings to express them directly to the people who she feels are causing her hurt. Sharing her feelings is vital, not so that she can change HIM, but so she can be emotionally healthy. So that she can continue to mature, and learn to trust others, despite the abandonment and disappointment she feels.
The other day in the car she mentioned that she will never have a broken heart because she will always be the one to break up in a relationship. How terribly sad. I don't want her to feel dependant upon a man or a relationship. But I also do not want her to cut off her heart to love and companionship. I can see her setting aside her feelings. I watch her minimize her pain, even now, at just eleven years old. It is heartbreaking. I hear her saying my words of acceptance "This is my life!" with a smile on her face. She is so sweet and funny and clever and strong. I admire her. I love her. I am proud of who she is becoming.
