Afraid

It's been forever since I've blogged.  The computer crashed, so I've been without means, but the truth is that life has been busy and distracting and I've let it take over.  I'm honestly not sure if anyone is reading anyway...

Almost two months have passed.

Brian has been gone and back and now gone again.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Everything and everyone in my life tells me that it is better this way - everything and everyone in his life tells him the same - but I still miss him.  I still miss all of the wonderful things about him.  I miss feeling loved and being held, and knowing my children were safe with him.  Maybe I was settling.  I don't know anymore.  I really don't know. Our connection was not for anyone else to understand.  It was wholely ours and always felt special.  I'm crying again.

I hate being alone.  I've always been terrible at it and maybe that is because I measure my worth through the eyes of others.  I'm working so hard all of the time to raise my children feeling safe, and wonderful and validated so that they don't suffer the constant overwhelming feeling of NOT BEING ENOUGH that I just cannot shake.  My therapist tells me that I eventually will have to see my intrinsic value. I tell him, "Not yet.  I still do not know how."  Right now I will focus on others, because that is what I CAN do.

Online dating has been a worthless venture.  The men there are all looking for only one thing.  If they are not consciously looking for it, then their desire for it is subconscious and still manages to overwhelm any possibility of developing a new relationship. I find myself reaching out to former friends, crushes, whoever - men I know I liked, who I know liked me.  Sometimes it is successful.  Sometimes not so much.  Either way, it is probably not healthy.  I don't trust men.  I do not want to get to know anyone new because I am so afraid that they will turn out just like the rest, just like the last, just like my marriage, whatever.  I am AFRAID.  Afraid of being alone and afraid of being together and afraid of everything.