First day of school

I really don't have any idea what I'm doing.  This is so hard.  So very very hard.

I don't know how to do every day at this pace.  I sincerely hope you are praying for my family.  If you're reading this blog, please say a prayer for me, for us because I am feeling extremely overwhelmed.  There is no other way to describe this constant anxiety I am feeling.

At least three times a day, I find myself taking a deep breath in, and as I let it out, I say...  " I can do this. "  It has become my mantra.  Because, despite all obstacles, I really, truly CAN.  I just don't exactly know how, right now.

August

I wish I had a working computer.  I need to be blogging more.  It is a part of who I am...

Until I get a new one, I will do my best to put some brief thoughts down via phone.

As the arrival of the "new baby" approaches, I find myself getting increasingly emotional about the X, the past, etc.  I can feel all of this heartbreak, and I can only assume it is because he is officially having another baby.  After the way he treated me (AND PACO) throughout that pregnancy and into the newborn (first eight...) months, it hurts immensely to know he has "been there" and will "be there" for this baby.  Wouldn't it be better to just decide you're going to "be there" for these six kids?  I know it isn't within my realm of control, but boy have I let it get under my skin.  I think I've been pretty calm overall, but lately I think my subconscious is revealing my true feelings.

This is where blogging helps.  Since I can't go to him (the X) directly (it may be a shock, but, yes, I have had that urge, as of late) with my hurt, anger, pain, etc., what do I do?

Aaaah, so simple.  Take it to the Lord.  His Grace Is Sufficient.  His Atonement is perfect.  He is perfectly equiped to extend His mercy, love, comfort... whatever I need!  And He does give me those things, in droves.  I am grateful for the reminder...

I can do this.

notes

Struck by memories.  Conference, October, 2010.

These two talks tore at my heart.  Both were from the Priesthood Session.

Pride in the Priesthood. 

The 3 Rs of Choice.

I've been thinking about my marriage a lot lately.  Thinking about my (ex)husband.  My heart still breaks sometimes.  I'm still overcoming that hurt.

I don't know what happens next.  Why am I going bavkward?  I truly want to move forward. I'm sitting in church, and I feel like the Lord is drawing me back to these feelings.  Why?  Why now?

What am I waiting for?  I've been repeatedly told that I can do better.  Better tgan what?  What does "better" entail?  Better than LOVE, COMMITMENT, DEDICATION, PASSION?  What more should I be waiting for?  What more is there?

<3