Identity

This is such an easy thing to struggle with, especially as a mother.  Especially as a mother of six.  Who am I?  What is important about my contribution to the world?  How to I distinguish myself from the act of that contribution?  I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend.  Are any one of those things more closely linked to my identity than others?  Maybe, but they are all important - they are all a part of me.

As a mother of small children (many, many small children!) it is easy to get caught up in my identity as "mom."  Now, as a single mother, that aspect of myself has been magnified even more, since the burdens fall completely on me (and, luckily, those who are supporting me.)  It is difficult to NOT wrap 100% of my identity in the person I am (job I do?) (responsibility I undertake?) the majority of the time.  And, I think, at this time in my children's lives, it is a natural byproduct of reality...

But I've been thinking a lot lately about where the core of my identity lies.  Part of it is in my kids and my role as a mother, but there has to be something left - something important left - once the children grow up.  And before the children came...  What was distinct or important about me?  I spent a lot of years acting on the assumption (unconscious) that my identity was wrapped entirely in my sexuality.  Using that aspect of myself to accomplish what I needed or get what I wanted came naturally, it was like breathing, and I didn't even realize I was doing it.  So now, as I am finally ready to explore new and healthy relationships, what makes me special and unique?  What makes me who I am - in life and in a relationship?

What I am finding most distinctive about my personality is that I am not afraid of the truth.  Now, my mom (I'm sure) and perhaps others (probably) would likely argue that I'm a little too loud, too much truth, too much of the time.  And maybe there is some TRUTH in that perspective.  But I like who I am.  I like that my friends KNOW, without question, that when I am telling them something, it is the truth.  It may be my version of truth, or my opinion of it, but I am not ever willfully deceiving them.  I cannot stand deceit.  I do not like playing games.  I do not like beating around the bush.  It is a communication style that takes some getting used to - as a friend, boyfriend, whatever...  I have lost friends, potential friends, boyfriends and potential boyfriends over it.  In my heart, I would rather KNOW how someone feels about me.  I tell you how I feel about you because I'd rather KNOW outright.

As I continue to explore relationships, I see the way my personality affects my interactions with others.  I often make mistakes.  I am hoping to soon begin making less of them.  Deep down though, I am honest.  Honest about my feelings, my beliefs, my expectations, and my truth.  If that is too much for you, then I haven't yet found the one for me.

Making a Go

I learned yesterday, in therapy, that I did not have any good healthy examples of how a relationship develops.  I (surprisingly) also did not have good healthy examples of appropriate sexual behavior.  I, literally, did/do not comprehend the process of "getting to know" someone.  I do not know what it means to casually "date."

Every relationship I have ever had got physical way too quickly.  That isn't to say that I slept with everyone, but you don't have to sleep with someone in order to be inappropriately or prematurely intimate with them.  I think I honestly believed that if I like you and you like me then we are SUPPOSED to be physical.  It's part of it, and an important part of it.  Sex is a right, a responsibility, a priority, an OBLIGATION.  That feeling of obligation made it impossible for me to have a successful marriage with my husband.  Being Mormon did NOT help this cause.  Because "Mormons" tend to be more committed to the "no sex before marriage" rule, there is a greater importance (in my opinion) given on sex within a marriage.  At least that is how it came across to me, after marrying a Mormon.  It was like, now we are allowed, so we should be doing it...  all the time...  Or something.  I don't know.  Feeling obligated to put out, as a wife, objectified me, devalued me, and made true love impossible.

So, as I examine the relationship examples that have been set for me, and my experiences in (RUSHING WAY TOO FAST INTO) relationships in my own life, I realize that I have a lot to learn.  I don't know how to be "friends first."  As soon as an emotional connection begins, I allow it to flood everything else.  Just like as soon as physical intimacy occurs, that becomes my role and my value in the relationship.  I posted a while back about slowing down...  Unfortunately, I DO NOT KNOW HOW.  I get it, in my mind, and then I do the SAME DUMB THINGS, over and over.  Hol-y cow.  It is harder than it looks, believe me.

My divorce has taught me a great deal.  My relationship with Brian (finally over) also taught me a great deal about myself and my insecurities and my faults and my "blocks" to finding true and lasting love.  I am nowhere near ready at this point, but my DESIRE is so strong, that I want to force it wherever I can.  This tragic strategy can only go two ways - 1. I am pursuing a normal, intelligent man with healthy boundaries.  As soon as I start to freak out, he says "This girl is CRAZY!"  and completely loses interest in me.  Killed it.  I have experienced this many a time.  2.  I am pursuing a man who is as desperate for "love" as I am.  He sees a beautiful girl who *wants* love soooo badly, and he wants it too!  He jumps right on the crazy train with me, and we, as a couple are destined for failure.  Story of my freaking life.

So, now what?  How does one take the tangled, fractured, tarnished heart and "make a go" at finding love?  How do we forgive ourselves our (CONTINUED, REPEATED) mistakes and keep trying?  How do we learn?  How do we grow?  How do we progress?

Put so eloquently by Dory in "Finding Nemo," we "JUST KEEP SWIMMING."  Or, from "Meet the Robinsons" -- "KEEP MOVING FORWARD."  Failure is inevitable.  It happens.  All the time, every day, every hour, every minute.  EVERYONE FAILS.  Successful people, likely, fail MORE than the rest because they are TRYING MORE!

I want to be better, I want to get better.  So, every time I do the SAME DUMB THING, I get up, brush my self off, and try again.  Eventually I will get it right.  Eventually I will fix, change, tweak, LEARN ENOUGH.  Eventually.  And I don't have to worry about when or why or how that's going to happen.  I just have to enjoy today - being the best me I can possibly be.  I wish it was as easy as it sounds.

Important Reminder

Make sure He is VALIANT. 
Make sure he will go the distance.
He is the man that will hold your sweet face in his hands as he kisses you and hold onto you like no one ever has.
He will treat your children as his own. He will love them as much as you do.
That's the man with the gentle but fierce heart that you seek.
He will come.