Identity

This is such an easy thing to struggle with, especially as a mother.  Especially as a mother of six.  Who am I?  What is important about my contribution to the world?  How to I distinguish myself from the act of that contribution?  I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend.  Are any one of those things more closely linked to my identity than others?  Maybe, but they are all important - they are all a part of me.

As a mother of small children (many, many small children!) it is easy to get caught up in my identity as "mom."  Now, as a single mother, that aspect of myself has been magnified even more, since the burdens fall completely on me (and, luckily, those who are supporting me.)  It is difficult to NOT wrap 100% of my identity in the person I am (job I do?) (responsibility I undertake?) the majority of the time.  And, I think, at this time in my children's lives, it is a natural byproduct of reality...

But I've been thinking a lot lately about where the core of my identity lies.  Part of it is in my kids and my role as a mother, but there has to be something left - something important left - once the children grow up.  And before the children came...  What was distinct or important about me?  I spent a lot of years acting on the assumption (unconscious) that my identity was wrapped entirely in my sexuality.  Using that aspect of myself to accomplish what I needed or get what I wanted came naturally, it was like breathing, and I didn't even realize I was doing it.  So now, as I am finally ready to explore new and healthy relationships, what makes me special and unique?  What makes me who I am - in life and in a relationship?

What I am finding most distinctive about my personality is that I am not afraid of the truth.  Now, my mom (I'm sure) and perhaps others (probably) would likely argue that I'm a little too loud, too much truth, too much of the time.  And maybe there is some TRUTH in that perspective.  But I like who I am.  I like that my friends KNOW, without question, that when I am telling them something, it is the truth.  It may be my version of truth, or my opinion of it, but I am not ever willfully deceiving them.  I cannot stand deceit.  I do not like playing games.  I do not like beating around the bush.  It is a communication style that takes some getting used to - as a friend, boyfriend, whatever...  I have lost friends, potential friends, boyfriends and potential boyfriends over it.  In my heart, I would rather KNOW how someone feels about me.  I tell you how I feel about you because I'd rather KNOW outright.

As I continue to explore relationships, I see the way my personality affects my interactions with others.  I often make mistakes.  I am hoping to soon begin making less of them.  Deep down though, I am honest.  Honest about my feelings, my beliefs, my expectations, and my truth.  If that is too much for you, then I haven't yet found the one for me.