Making a Go

I learned yesterday, in therapy, that I did not have any good healthy examples of how a relationship develops.  I (surprisingly) also did not have good healthy examples of appropriate sexual behavior.  I, literally, did/do not comprehend the process of "getting to know" someone.  I do not know what it means to casually "date."

Every relationship I have ever had got physical way too quickly.  That isn't to say that I slept with everyone, but you don't have to sleep with someone in order to be inappropriately or prematurely intimate with them.  I think I honestly believed that if I like you and you like me then we are SUPPOSED to be physical.  It's part of it, and an important part of it.  Sex is a right, a responsibility, a priority, an OBLIGATION.  That feeling of obligation made it impossible for me to have a successful marriage with my husband.  Being Mormon did NOT help this cause.  Because "Mormons" tend to be more committed to the "no sex before marriage" rule, there is a greater importance (in my opinion) given on sex within a marriage.  At least that is how it came across to me, after marrying a Mormon.  It was like, now we are allowed, so we should be doing it...  all the time...  Or something.  I don't know.  Feeling obligated to put out, as a wife, objectified me, devalued me, and made true love impossible.

So, as I examine the relationship examples that have been set for me, and my experiences in (RUSHING WAY TOO FAST INTO) relationships in my own life, I realize that I have a lot to learn.  I don't know how to be "friends first."  As soon as an emotional connection begins, I allow it to flood everything else.  Just like as soon as physical intimacy occurs, that becomes my role and my value in the relationship.  I posted a while back about slowing down...  Unfortunately, I DO NOT KNOW HOW.  I get it, in my mind, and then I do the SAME DUMB THINGS, over and over.  Hol-y cow.  It is harder than it looks, believe me.

My divorce has taught me a great deal.  My relationship with Brian (finally over) also taught me a great deal about myself and my insecurities and my faults and my "blocks" to finding true and lasting love.  I am nowhere near ready at this point, but my DESIRE is so strong, that I want to force it wherever I can.  This tragic strategy can only go two ways - 1. I am pursuing a normal, intelligent man with healthy boundaries.  As soon as I start to freak out, he says "This girl is CRAZY!"  and completely loses interest in me.  Killed it.  I have experienced this many a time.  2.  I am pursuing a man who is as desperate for "love" as I am.  He sees a beautiful girl who *wants* love soooo badly, and he wants it too!  He jumps right on the crazy train with me, and we, as a couple are destined for failure.  Story of my freaking life.

So, now what?  How does one take the tangled, fractured, tarnished heart and "make a go" at finding love?  How do we forgive ourselves our (CONTINUED, REPEATED) mistakes and keep trying?  How do we learn?  How do we grow?  How do we progress?

Put so eloquently by Dory in "Finding Nemo," we "JUST KEEP SWIMMING."  Or, from "Meet the Robinsons" -- "KEEP MOVING FORWARD."  Failure is inevitable.  It happens.  All the time, every day, every hour, every minute.  EVERYONE FAILS.  Successful people, likely, fail MORE than the rest because they are TRYING MORE!

I want to be better, I want to get better.  So, every time I do the SAME DUMB THING, I get up, brush my self off, and try again.  Eventually I will get it right.  Eventually I will fix, change, tweak, LEARN ENOUGH.  Eventually.  And I don't have to worry about when or why or how that's going to happen.  I just have to enjoy today - being the best me I can possibly be.  I wish it was as easy as it sounds.