counting down

I check the DCSS website regularly to see if Rick has made any payments.  Right now I'm just crossing my fingers that nothing shows up before November 1.  Since I received cash aid ($924) for October, any payments made during this month go to the State.  After next month begins, I get anything paid, up to the $1590 that is the current monthly order.  It is weird actually hoping that no payments post.  Of course, after November 1, the amount shoots up to about $28,000 owed in total.  FYI.

Convenient

Less than two weeks after I filed for a modification of child support (after learning he's been making over $40/hr since April) my EX got laid off.  The garnishment for this job (he's had since July) has been in effect for a month.  I'm sure he would tell you that it isn't his choice, he has no control, etc.  But the timing is interesting, and quite convenient.  Our court date is December 17.  I'm just saying.

epiphany

It just occured to me that I am trying to be nice and reasonable with a person who just ISN'T - isn't nice, isn't reasonable, isn't honorable, isn't moral or ethical.  Quite basically, a person who is comepletely self-centered, self-absorbed, self-righteous.  There IS NO working together.  There is only protecting myself and my children.

I'm a little overwhelmed with sadness right now.

Trust, Part 2

Turns out, the commitment to therapy was for ONE meeting.  I am still willing to do that, but I think it best to wait until after our court date on Monday.

After court, I have an appointment at DCSS to see if it is appropriate for them to modify the child support.  DCSS received a payment on October 4.

I am trusting that Rick will continue to pay child support.  Last time (in May) it only lasted a month.  I am REALLY hoping it lasts longer than that.  I received a notice confirming that the cash aid is cancelled.  I will be relying solely on support from Rick beginning November 1 since I already received the $924 for October.  Ironically, Rick's WEEKLY check (gross income) is close to that amount!

I'm tired of fighting.  I won't stop, I'm just tired.  I really want things to be different.  I want my children to have a peace that I didn't have as a child.  I will keep fighting.  I'm just tired.

I can do this.

Trust

So, many times, my ex husband has made it clear that he does not trust me.  I fully understand his distrust when it comes to the reality and outcome of our marriage - I was an unfaithful wife.  He could not trust me.  Did I lie to him?  Yes, a few times, keeping secrets about infidelity...  However, after less than 5 weeks of an "affair," I could no longer maintain my deceit.  I am not a liar; I came clean about my actions (activities) and sought his forgiveness.  I wanted to work through this (admittedly traumatic and hurtful) challenge to save our marriage and our family.  It wasn't an easy prospect for either of us.  I was still "in love" with another man, thinking that the "happiness" I felt in the glow of someone ELSE's "affections" and attention were REAL and true.  I know now that I was wrong, but at the time, I was choosing an unhappy marriage over a happy love.  I was wrong, of course.  Rick was right, in that moment.  I know now, after finding some writings he made during that first week, that there was a time that he felt the spirit, that he knew what the right path to take was.  The biggest mistake I made was asking for a separation - in essence, giving him permission to begin a new relationship.  The day after our "separation" began, Rick called Carolyn for the first time (since we'd been married.)  My heart may never heal from realization and significance of the timing.  That is not to say that I blame myself, because I do not.  Every choice he (THEY) made (to destroy our family, and hurt our children) that year and to this very day are their own.  I own all of my choices before that day, before that moment, but from that moment on, the decision making power (to save or destroy an eternal family) was in their hands.

My ex-husband still, to this day, does not trust me.  The ONLY way that I EVER betrayed his trust was in marital infidelity, both physical and emotional.  I did not deceive him in any way after we separated.  I do not ever lie to him, or tell him half truths, or omit truths in my communications with him.  I make choices in my life that will help me care for, nurture, and protect our six children.  He has never communicated any agreement with anything I have done, but he has also never communicated complaint or fault in my decisions.  I however, have tried (foolishly) to communicate my concerns about our children both to my ex and to his wife.  I have presented struggles the children face, struggles I face, as a result of their actions involving the children.  My attempts at cooperative parenting have always been met with insult, obstinance, anger, and condescending contempt.  I begged him to go to therapy with me, if not for the sake of our marriage (we were still married at the time) then for the sake of our children - our contentious relationship affects them more than he realizes!  He refused, REPEATEDLY and without fail, over the past two years.

The other day, after a particularly upsetting verbal disagreement (which regretably took place in the presence of the children,) I received a text message indicating that he would be willing to "talk" to me with a mediator, therapist or clergy.  Could it be true?   Does he really want to get along?

Now, I find myself in the unique and ironic situation that I no longer trust him.  I know, from the experience I've had over the past two years, that he lies.  He is currently (still) over $26,000 behind in child support, so he does NOT pay voluntarily. He's justified his actions in his own mind.  I am pretty sure, also from experience, that he believes his lies, and that is extremely dangerous. 

He just began paying child support again (through garnishments) and DCSS received their first payment on Thursday. I drove to the "welfare" office on Friday, and immediately canceled my cash aid (welfare.) It was (IS) a risky move. What if he stops paying again? What if I am left without income (again?) What if....? But I knew/know in my heart, that it was the right thing to do. It was the correct course of action.  So I am taking the chance that my ex-husband will begin and continue to take financial responsibility for our family.  I am trusting.  I am relying on faith in who I still believe the man I married can be.  I know of many who would fault my decision, but I am sticking by it.  I believe in what is right.  I believe in the right prevailing.

I do not know what has facilitated his newfound willingness to try something different, or even if it real, but I am grateful for it.  I have felt the Lord working in my life in so many ways lately.  Really, truly, felt that the Lord is listening to me, hearing me, and helping me, individually.  I hope that this change will fit into that category in my life.  That this will be the first step to a healthy relationship with my ex.  I know how immensely that will benefit and bless my children, in a way that few others do.

With God, I can do this. With GOD, I can do anything.

What I Allow

I let him hurt me again today.  Deeply.  I let him hurt me with his lies, and his victim attitude, and his insisting that I am to blame for his poor choices.  I did not choose, either directly OR indirectly, for him to stop paying child support for three months.  I did not have anything to do with that choice.

I chose to file a court case in an attempt to be kept "in the loop" on his employment info.  He says I could have gone to mediation through DCSS.  Maybe, but am I supposed to expect cooperation with a mediator from a man who outright refuses to pay child support voluntarily?  A man who lies to me at every juncture?  I would be more than happy to mediate, but what evidence have I seen that he's willing to communicate or cooperate at ANY level?  NONE!

I'm open.  I'm waiting.

Yes, I let him hurt me.  And no one can hurt me like he does.  Those feelings are so raw.  In a way, I think I even still have love for him, and that just makes everything hurt more.

I've been praying for him a lot lately.
Emotionally destroyed a bit today.  But I won't let him have that power.  This time is mine.