I follow a blogger on Facebook. Her name is Amber (also!), and her page is called Go Kaleo. I love reading her encouraging words about self (body) image and healthy behaviors. One thing she says a lot is "Eat the Food." She often makes the point that starvation is not the answer, magic pills are not the answer, and demonizing ANY aspect of nutrition (carbs, sugar, fats, etc.) is NOT the answer. The only answer comes in consistent changes to behavior and eating habits (real food and exercise, duh!) Sooooo, along that same vein, I want to write about being healthy emotionally.
I've been seeing the same therapist for the past two years. He has seen me through the separation, pregnancy, divorce, all of that. My emotional ups and downs. Lately I've been taking 3 to 4 weeks between sessions. I've stabilized, emotionally. I've learned how to deal with the stresses and overwhelming burdens of it all. And here's my secret. GET REAL. Just as Go Kaleo tells us to eat real food, I want to encourage anyone searching for emotional/spiritual health to just get real - and FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. We all have feelings. We are human beings. We are human, fallible, imperfect, emotional creatures. People and situations affect us in emotional ways. We get angry, sad, hurt, frantic, frustrated, lonely. The greatest fallacy is the idea that we can somehow circumvent those feelings just by deciding that they don't affect us. My relationship with my ex-husband was hindered by the expectation of underlying happiness. We were "supposed to" be happy together. We were "supposed to" love each other. So, that's what we did. That's what I did. I ignored my unhappiness. My denial was so intense and so insidious that it enveloped every aspect of my relationship and my family. I lied to myself. I thought I was happy. I HONESTLY thought I was happy, but clearly I wasn't. And dealing with my ex has made his manipulative habits so much clearer. Healthy thinking (and feeling) has freed me so much. Nowadays, when I get angry, I admit it. If Brian upsets me or disappoints me, I admit it. We talk about it. We respect each other. We respect each others' feelings and needs. We've stabilized and are HAPPY. What a concept. It's taken a long time. We've worked through a lot of issues. We're sticking it out. And I don't feel like I "have to" be or do anything other than what and who I actually AM, naturally - no more pretending. No more "not good enough." No more trying to meet some unattainable ideal of perfection.... And when Rick upsets me, it is only for a little while. I feel it. I talk about it. I get over it.
He called me a whore today. We were texting regarding the children and his visit. Brief backstory - on Friday when I dropped them off I mentioned that Breanna refused to wear socks to school that day and her feet were stinky. He responded that I should not let her put her shoes on without socks. I laughed inside. I didn't respond. So today he made a point to tell me to have them in SOCKS for their visit. Haha. I explained that my parenting style involves natural consequences and I choose not to baby them (except for the babies, of course.) Here was his response: "What are the natural consequences to being a whore?" After WELL OVER two years. After we've been divorced and he's been married over a year and he has another BABY!!! Still angry at me for being a "whore." There was a time that I would've been destroyed by that remark. There was a time I would have let it hurt me, anger me, mess me up. Not any more. I was honestly, intensely AMUSED. I felt sorry for him that he is still all-consumed by this hatred and disgust for what I did to him - how I hurt him. I thought we had moved on. Now it seems that I've moved on without him. What a wonderful feeling.
I did it by allowing myself to feel. I allow myself to be real. All of the time. When people ask me how things are going, I am REAL. I rarely say "Fine" or "Good" or "Great." Things are what they are. Life is hard. Life is hard for all of us, but I think it is fair to say that this life has an exceptional level of difficulty. And I don't want to sugar coat it. I am a single mother of six young children. My ex-husband has avoided paying child support at every opportunity. He's gone back on disability - the upside being that it will hopefully mean consistent child support payments - FOR ONCE! It's a hard life, but it's REAL LIFE. I get to be real. I get to feel upset, happy, sad, excited, lonely, depressed, overwhelmed without any additional expectations.
So, feel your feelings, people. It is healthy, normal, natural to feel things. It is okay to show emotion. It is not weakness. It is strength.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
A little behind.
And a little play on words for the "inside joke" crowd.
Feels like forever since I've posted and quite a few blog ideas have been swirling around in this head of mine, but I just haven't felt motivated to put pen to paper ( so to speak ) and make it happen. I imagine that even this weak attempt at reaching out will be a disappointment to anyone who expects me to impart something meaningful or profound.
Sometimes it's just to catch up. I feel like there is so much to say, yet not much at the same time.
My ex-husband celebrated his one year anniversary this past weekend. Well, I honestly don't know if he "celebrated" or not, but I'd imagine they did. Point being, it's been a year. Time flies. I am happy to report that I feel little more or less than contempt for my ex-husband at any given moment. Yes, there are the brief moments of nostalgia and not-as-brief moments of intense hatred. However, overall, I think that contempt sums up my feelings quite accurately. Just to be sure, I went and googled the word "contempt." Yep, that's about it. I'm sad about my marriage ending and HOW my marriage ended, but there is no longing in my sadness - it is just sadness and disappointment. It is comforting to know that I did everything in my power to effect change in my marriage. I failed. Well, that isn't fair. I succeeded immensely in changing myself. I could not, however, change my relationship in a positive way.
There seems to be consistent repetition of a similar pattern in my dealings and difficulties with Rick. Typically things culminate in an utter lack of child support (been dealing with this yo-yo consistently for almost three years now.) The latest chapter takes us to a court date on the 17th of this month. I pray that the judge will see through all of his lies, but I am prepared for the worst. It may take even more time for the court to see that he is doing and will continue to do everything in his power to avoiding taking financial responsibility for our children. The pattern of behavior seems obvious to me, but that's just me. The court may see it differently. The court might actually believe his ridiculous lies. It's okay, though, the truth will come out eventually. It always does. And if there is one thing I've learned (and am constantly re-learning) it is patience. Six kids and an uncooperative ex will do that to ya.
Life in our home is as normal as I can keep a home with six kids who are dealing with life, and growing up, and a split home, and all of the chaos that goes with it. Each of the children provides their own unique challenge to me as a mother. I find that patience goes a long way. Really, the more calm I am, the better things go. My love for my children only deepens the more that I learn and grow with them. As I get to know them as individuals, I am astounded at their depth and their many unique qualities. I mean, I am actually ASTOUNDED by them. They are great, amazing kids. I am so proud to be their mother. Dropping them with their father gets more and more difficult. I miss them while they are gone. I want them with me all of the time.
Christmas looms. I am excited to share the holiday with the kids and the rest of my family. This experience has drawn me closer to them. Being closer physically allows family to be closer in other ways as well. I am grateful my kids are developing those relationships with their extended family. It is heartwarming to watch. I have such an amazing family.
I am grateful for Brian. We've had our ups and downs (and ons and offs) but things have stabilized and I am grateful. We are a great match because we truly see each other and we love and accept the wholeness of each other. I take comfort in the fact that we are safe together. Our hearts are safe. Trust is not easy to come by after a divorce. I am not willing to let it go so easily. Comfort, trust, commitment, safety - all go a long long way in a relationship. And we are real with one another. We needn't feel ashamed or afraid of anything that we share. We've both dated others now. We've chosen us. It feels good, and I am happy.
I guess that's the bulk of the update. If you don't hear from me before the court date, rest assured I'll likely update at some point after Christmas. Actually might be after New Year's. The kids are home until then.
Wishing you and yours a happy holiday. Here's some pics, in case you're not on Facebook with us. ;)
Feels like forever since I've posted and quite a few blog ideas have been swirling around in this head of mine, but I just haven't felt motivated to put pen to paper ( so to speak ) and make it happen. I imagine that even this weak attempt at reaching out will be a disappointment to anyone who expects me to impart something meaningful or profound.
Sometimes it's just to catch up. I feel like there is so much to say, yet not much at the same time.
My ex-husband celebrated his one year anniversary this past weekend. Well, I honestly don't know if he "celebrated" or not, but I'd imagine they did. Point being, it's been a year. Time flies. I am happy to report that I feel little more or less than contempt for my ex-husband at any given moment. Yes, there are the brief moments of nostalgia and not-as-brief moments of intense hatred. However, overall, I think that contempt sums up my feelings quite accurately. Just to be sure, I went and googled the word "contempt." Yep, that's about it. I'm sad about my marriage ending and HOW my marriage ended, but there is no longing in my sadness - it is just sadness and disappointment. It is comforting to know that I did everything in my power to effect change in my marriage. I failed. Well, that isn't fair. I succeeded immensely in changing myself. I could not, however, change my relationship in a positive way.
There seems to be consistent repetition of a similar pattern in my dealings and difficulties with Rick. Typically things culminate in an utter lack of child support (been dealing with this yo-yo consistently for almost three years now.) The latest chapter takes us to a court date on the 17th of this month. I pray that the judge will see through all of his lies, but I am prepared for the worst. It may take even more time for the court to see that he is doing and will continue to do everything in his power to avoiding taking financial responsibility for our children. The pattern of behavior seems obvious to me, but that's just me. The court may see it differently. The court might actually believe his ridiculous lies. It's okay, though, the truth will come out eventually. It always does. And if there is one thing I've learned (and am constantly re-learning) it is patience. Six kids and an uncooperative ex will do that to ya.
Life in our home is as normal as I can keep a home with six kids who are dealing with life, and growing up, and a split home, and all of the chaos that goes with it. Each of the children provides their own unique challenge to me as a mother. I find that patience goes a long way. Really, the more calm I am, the better things go. My love for my children only deepens the more that I learn and grow with them. As I get to know them as individuals, I am astounded at their depth and their many unique qualities. I mean, I am actually ASTOUNDED by them. They are great, amazing kids. I am so proud to be their mother. Dropping them with their father gets more and more difficult. I miss them while they are gone. I want them with me all of the time.
Christmas looms. I am excited to share the holiday with the kids and the rest of my family. This experience has drawn me closer to them. Being closer physically allows family to be closer in other ways as well. I am grateful my kids are developing those relationships with their extended family. It is heartwarming to watch. I have such an amazing family.
I am grateful for Brian. We've had our ups and downs (and ons and offs) but things have stabilized and I am grateful. We are a great match because we truly see each other and we love and accept the wholeness of each other. I take comfort in the fact that we are safe together. Our hearts are safe. Trust is not easy to come by after a divorce. I am not willing to let it go so easily. Comfort, trust, commitment, safety - all go a long long way in a relationship. And we are real with one another. We needn't feel ashamed or afraid of anything that we share. We've both dated others now. We've chosen us. It feels good, and I am happy.
I guess that's the bulk of the update. If you don't hear from me before the court date, rest assured I'll likely update at some point after Christmas. Actually might be after New Year's. The kids are home until then.
Wishing you and yours a happy holiday. Here's some pics, in case you're not on Facebook with us. ;)
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