Feels like forever since I've posted and quite a few blog ideas have been swirling around in this head of mine, but I just haven't felt motivated to put pen to paper ( so to speak ) and make it happen. I imagine that even this weak attempt at reaching out will be a disappointment to anyone who expects me to impart something meaningful or profound.
Sometimes it's just to catch up. I feel like there is so much to say, yet not much at the same time.
My ex-husband celebrated his one year anniversary this past weekend. Well, I honestly don't know if he "celebrated" or not, but I'd imagine they did. Point being, it's been a year. Time flies. I am happy to report that I feel little more or less than contempt for my ex-husband at any given moment. Yes, there are the brief moments of nostalgia and not-as-brief moments of intense hatred. However, overall, I think that contempt sums up my feelings quite accurately. Just to be sure, I went and googled the word "contempt." Yep, that's about it. I'm sad about my marriage ending and HOW my marriage ended, but there is no longing in my sadness - it is just sadness and disappointment. It is comforting to know that I did everything in my power to effect change in my marriage. I failed. Well, that isn't fair. I succeeded immensely in changing myself. I could not, however, change my relationship in a positive way.
There seems to be consistent repetition of a similar pattern in my dealings and difficulties with Rick. Typically things culminate in an utter lack of child support (been dealing with this yo-yo consistently for almost three years now.) The latest chapter takes us to a court date on the 17th of this month. I pray that the judge will see through all of his lies, but I am prepared for the worst. It may take even more time for the court to see that he is doing and will continue to do everything in his power to avoiding taking financial responsibility for our children. The pattern of behavior seems obvious to me, but that's just me. The court may see it differently. The court might actually believe his ridiculous lies. It's okay, though, the truth will come out eventually. It always does. And if there is one thing I've learned (and am constantly re-learning) it is patience. Six kids and an uncooperative ex will do that to ya.
Life in our home is as normal as I can keep a home with six kids who are dealing with life, and growing up, and a split home, and all of the chaos that goes with it. Each of the children provides their own unique challenge to me as a mother. I find that patience goes a long way. Really, the more calm I am, the better things go. My love for my children only deepens the more that I learn and grow with them. As I get to know them as individuals, I am astounded at their depth and their many unique qualities. I mean, I am actually ASTOUNDED by them. They are great, amazing kids. I am so proud to be their mother. Dropping them with their father gets more and more difficult. I miss them while they are gone. I want them with me all of the time.
Christmas looms. I am excited to share the holiday with the kids and the rest of my family. This experience has drawn me closer to them. Being closer physically allows family to be closer in other ways as well. I am grateful my kids are developing those relationships with their extended family. It is heartwarming to watch. I have such an amazing family.
I am grateful for Brian. We've had our ups and downs (and ons and offs) but things have stabilized and I am grateful. We are a great match because we truly see each other and we love and accept the wholeness of each other. I take comfort in the fact that we are safe together. Our hearts are safe. Trust is not easy to come by after a divorce. I am not willing to let it go so easily. Comfort, trust, commitment, safety - all go a long long way in a relationship. And we are real with one another. We needn't feel ashamed or afraid of anything that we share. We've both dated others now. We've chosen us. It feels good, and I am happy.
I guess that's the bulk of the update. If you don't hear from me before the court date, rest assured I'll likely update at some point after Christmas. Actually might be after New Year's. The kids are home until then.
Wishing you and yours a happy holiday. Here's some pics, in case you're not on Facebook with us. ;)
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