I follow a blogger on Facebook. Her name is Amber (also!), and her page is called Go Kaleo. I love reading her encouraging words about self (body) image and healthy behaviors. One thing she says a lot is "Eat the Food." She often makes the point that starvation is not the answer, magic pills are not the answer, and demonizing ANY aspect of nutrition (carbs, sugar, fats, etc.) is NOT the answer. The only answer comes in consistent changes to behavior and eating habits (real food and exercise, duh!) Sooooo, along that same vein, I want to write about being healthy emotionally.
I've been seeing the same therapist for the past two years. He has seen me through the separation, pregnancy, divorce, all of that. My emotional ups and downs. Lately I've been taking 3 to 4 weeks between sessions. I've stabilized, emotionally. I've learned how to deal with the stresses and overwhelming burdens of it all. And here's my secret. GET REAL. Just as Go Kaleo tells us to eat real food, I want to encourage anyone searching for emotional/spiritual health to just get real - and FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. We all have feelings. We are human beings. We are human, fallible, imperfect, emotional creatures. People and situations affect us in emotional ways. We get angry, sad, hurt, frantic, frustrated, lonely. The greatest fallacy is the idea that we can somehow circumvent those feelings just by deciding that they don't affect us. My relationship with my ex-husband was hindered by the expectation of underlying happiness. We were "supposed to" be happy together. We were "supposed to" love each other. So, that's what we did. That's what I did. I ignored my unhappiness. My denial was so intense and so insidious that it enveloped every aspect of my relationship and my family. I lied to myself. I thought I was happy. I HONESTLY thought I was happy, but clearly I wasn't. And dealing with my ex has made his manipulative habits so much clearer. Healthy thinking (and feeling) has freed me so much. Nowadays, when I get angry, I admit it. If Brian upsets me or disappoints me, I admit it. We talk about it. We respect each other. We respect each others' feelings and needs. We've stabilized and are HAPPY. What a concept. It's taken a long time. We've worked through a lot of issues. We're sticking it out. And I don't feel like I "have to" be or do anything other than what and who I actually AM, naturally - no more pretending. No more "not good enough." No more trying to meet some unattainable ideal of perfection.... And when Rick upsets me, it is only for a little while. I feel it. I talk about it. I get over it.
He called me a whore today. We were texting regarding the children and his visit. Brief backstory - on Friday when I dropped them off I mentioned that Breanna refused to wear socks to school that day and her feet were stinky. He responded that I should not let her put her shoes on without socks. I laughed inside. I didn't respond. So today he made a point to tell me to have them in SOCKS for their visit. Haha. I explained that my parenting style involves natural consequences and I choose not to baby them (except for the babies, of course.) Here was his response: "What are the natural consequences to being a whore?" After WELL OVER two years. After we've been divorced and he's been married over a year and he has another BABY!!! Still angry at me for being a "whore." There was a time that I would've been destroyed by that remark. There was a time I would have let it hurt me, anger me, mess me up. Not any more. I was honestly, intensely AMUSED. I felt sorry for him that he is still all-consumed by this hatred and disgust for what I did to him - how I hurt him. I thought we had moved on. Now it seems that I've moved on without him. What a wonderful feeling.
I did it by allowing myself to feel. I allow myself to be real. All of the time. When people ask me how things are going, I am REAL. I rarely say "Fine" or "Good" or "Great." Things are what they are. Life is hard. Life is hard for all of us, but I think it is fair to say that this life has an exceptional level of difficulty. And I don't want to sugar coat it. I am a single mother of six young children. My ex-husband has avoided paying child support at every opportunity. He's gone back on disability - the upside being that it will hopefully mean consistent child support payments - FOR ONCE! It's a hard life, but it's REAL LIFE. I get to be real. I get to feel upset, happy, sad, excited, lonely, depressed, overwhelmed without any additional expectations.
So, feel your feelings, people. It is healthy, normal, natural to feel things. It is okay to show emotion. It is not weakness. It is strength.
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