I used to yell at my kids. No, really. I used to yell at my kids A LOT. Looking back, I can remember periods of time that it felt like all I ever did was yell! Divorce has changed me IMMENSELY as a parent. There is no question that I am a better mother now. Rick may not recognize it, but the people who SEE me, the people who KNOW me, do.
As I had a (brief) text interaction with my (extremely unreasonable) ex-husband today, I got to thinking a lot about how different we are as parents. Clearly, in the past couple of years, Rick and I have demonstrated (repeatedly) that our parenting styles are very, very different. One might even call them "contradictory" styles. My style is more permissive - fostering independence and self-reliance, if you will - while his is more dictatorial. If he was willing to work with me, I would be happy to take parenting classes with him. If he was willing, I would be happy to speak with a therapist with him. However, his behavior has shown nothing but an UNWILLINGNESS to admit a need for change. So, here we sit. The children suffer as they are subject to two (even three, since she has another style altogether) different styles of parenting and discipline. We as parents suffer because our efforts are contantly being thwarted at the other parent's home.
Back to the yelling. I still yell at my kids a bit. It is much less than it used to be. Much much less. And I would also venture that it continues to decrease. I yell more when I am tired or frustrated, overwhelmed or just annoyed. I yell when my kids are all yelling or ignoring me or disobeying. But I really don't yell very much. I've noticed that I most often speak calmly, even as they are yelling at me, talking back or misbehaving. I can feel the increase in my own peace, in my own sanity. I can remember my mom asking me to yell less when we first moved in there. I didn't think the yelling was that big of a deal. It felt normal. But now I see it. (Thanks for being patient with me, Mom.)
The further I get from my marriage, the more clearly I see just how BAD it was. Rick still yells at the kids and spanks (mostly Jane) a lot. I know because the kids sometimes tell me sotries (unsolicited, I swear) and because I can TELL through their actions. They come home from their father's house YELLING at each other a lot more. The first three days after a visit, I spend a lot of time saying "We don't speak to each other that way."
Just today, as I interacted with Rick via text, it occurred to me that maybe the yelling was a product of much more than MY personal weakness as a mother and human being (shocker, I know.) I am finding that lot of what existed in that relationship/marriage/family was a product of more than my weakness, despite what I FELT during the marriage. Distance does that. It helps us to see what was reality and what was perception. And perhaps what was a fat pile of passive aggressive bullshit. (Oh wait, did I just say that out loud?)
I know that Rick thinks I re-write history. However, I am not telling you a story about what happened in my marriage. I am contrasting my behavior then and now. I am saying that WITH Rick, I was a certain way (with the children) and WITHOUT Rick, I am another way - arguably, a better way. I am pointing out that, arguably, HIS behaviors haven't changed, and that the children come home from visits angry, violent and yelling at one another.
Finally, there is a DISTINCT difference, emotionally, between the older four children and the younger two. Their demeanor. Their openness. Jane, at THREE, has openly communicated her emotions in ways that the older kids still do not (at least not without lots of prodding.) She has an awareness and acceptance of her emotions. When she plays with Parker (just the two of them) she speaks sweetly, with respect. Jane was 9 months old when Rick and I separated. These years are clearly very formitive ones, emotionally. She learned something different than the older four.
Rick asked me to give him more time with the children today. He said that if I want to give him my weekends, he would love to have more time with them. I told him no. I told him there was no way I would offer him my time. With this blog post, I am attempting to explain that decision. No, I do not think that my ex-husband is a good father. Take AWAY the fact that he doesn't pay child support. I STILL think he behaves selfishly, without care for what is in the childrens interest. I know that the children spending time with him is important. I know they will never have another father. Whatever relationship he chooses to develop with them will be important to them maturing into adulthood, especially the girls. I would NEVER suggest that he NOT see them. He even admitted in his text message that he KNOWS he would have more time if he lived closer. He wants to get ANOTHER shortcut (patterns can be soooo disturbing!!) - this time to fatherhood. But, no, I will not give him more time. Not with things as they are. He will have to make an effort. A real effort.
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