The other thing that church reminded me of was an experience I had with the Lord in late 2010. I had been diligent about reading scriptures and praying every single night. I felt connected with the Lord. I was immensely distraught over my divorce, my husband (at the time) and what was to become of my marriage/family. It was a very very difficult time. I was trying desperately to understand my husband's choices and I just couldn't. The Spirit had confirmed to me that I was on the right path, that my desires were pure... So I knelt one night and prayed - FERVENTLY prayed - to be enlightened by my reading. I prayed that the scriptures I read that night would give me some insight into where Rick was at emotionally, spiritually - what was "going on" with him. I stood from my knees, opened my scriptures, and read Exodus Chapters 8, 9, and 10. This is the story of the pharoah. He keeps saying he's going to do the right thing. He keeps getting signs. He chooses to ignore the signs - over and over and over. I kept reading and reading for the point when the pharaoh comes around. Over and over, he says he's going to let them go, but then he just doesn't. He hardens his heart - over and over and over. If you are familiar with the story, then you know that the Pharaoh never comes around. Moses and the people escape, are chased, red sea, blah blah blah...
The Lord (STRAIGHT UP) answered my prayer that night. I knew it then. I knew without question that Rick wasn't going to EVER come around. It didn't stop me from trying (and trying and trying and trying,) but I got the message. What a great testimony of truth. And what a sad reality.
Months after that experience, I texted Rick about it. He had told me that he wouldn't believe that he was supposed to come back to me unless God himself appeared to him. LOL. I am not kidding. So I told him about the night I prayed and was led to read Exodus. I asked him to read it. I doubt he did.
Tonight I went back to my backed up text messages to find that one about Exodus. I wanted to remember what I had told him. I re-read the messages from that day and the next. It was only a small excerpt of months and months of texts and emails in which I tried to convince him of my sincerity, but I read in a different light tonight. Last time I read old texts, I cried and was "devastated." Tonight, it made me sad, but it gave me resolve. It renewed that same testomony of my path. I was (without question) telling the truth the entire time. Rick's refusal to believe my words did not make me a liar. And his denial of reality did not make him honest. Truth is truth. Lies are lies. The Spirit will testify of TRUTH. If we are open to it. If we are sincere. If we are listening.
What a profound experience. What a great reminder of how great our lives can be if we choose to rely on the Lord - CHOOSE (the right) to TRUST HIM. I am grateful for the reminder.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Love/Fear
I know I'm a little late to write/post, but I had a great day at church this weekend. Feeling happy in so many ways (also stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, chaotic) that I wanted to reflect a little bit.
First, let's be clear. I take six kids to church with me every other Sunday, so I cannot claim to have caught/heard/internalized all of the many wonderful spiritual thoughts that were proclaimed, but can distinctly remember bits and pieces. Most significantly, the quote that stood out to me was "Love is a greater motivator than fear." Parenting (and parenting styles) have been a common subject of thought and discussion for me lately. I would argue that my style is based on love. I want them to feel loved, safe, comfortable with their own feelings. I am trying to teach them to communicate their emotions effectively. I think it is an important skill in life. I am trying to teach them to be self-reliant, confident, independant thinkers and feelers. I do that by making an effort to truly KNOW them as individuals. I seek to understand their emotional needs and figure out how best to communicate with them. Believe me, with six little INDIVIDUALS it is not an easy job. That aspect of this job is enough to keep me busy full time. It is my highest priority - to love them, guide them, know them, accept them - help them understand and own their personal responsibilities in and to this world, their ultimate autonomy. I want them to understand how much control they have over their own destinies, how much their choices affect their reality, and the importance of a strong spiritual foundation. I am NOT trying to scare them into submission, to "force" them to be good, or to make them follow (senseless) "rules." I don't think fear is an effective motivator. Especially not for children. They will be more successful when they feel acceptance, love, understanding and guidance. Not fear. Respect, yes. But not fear. And you have to choose. You can't have both. You can't BE both.
First, let's be clear. I take six kids to church with me every other Sunday, so I cannot claim to have caught/heard/internalized all of the many wonderful spiritual thoughts that were proclaimed, but can distinctly remember bits and pieces. Most significantly, the quote that stood out to me was "Love is a greater motivator than fear." Parenting (and parenting styles) have been a common subject of thought and discussion for me lately. I would argue that my style is based on love. I want them to feel loved, safe, comfortable with their own feelings. I am trying to teach them to communicate their emotions effectively. I think it is an important skill in life. I am trying to teach them to be self-reliant, confident, independant thinkers and feelers. I do that by making an effort to truly KNOW them as individuals. I seek to understand their emotional needs and figure out how best to communicate with them. Believe me, with six little INDIVIDUALS it is not an easy job. That aspect of this job is enough to keep me busy full time. It is my highest priority - to love them, guide them, know them, accept them - help them understand and own their personal responsibilities in and to this world, their ultimate autonomy. I want them to understand how much control they have over their own destinies, how much their choices affect their reality, and the importance of a strong spiritual foundation. I am NOT trying to scare them into submission, to "force" them to be good, or to make them follow (senseless) "rules." I don't think fear is an effective motivator. Especially not for children. They will be more successful when they feel acceptance, love, understanding and guidance. Not fear. Respect, yes. But not fear. And you have to choose. You can't have both. You can't BE both.
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