love

I haven't written in a while.  Life has been insanely busy, and I can't really see it letting up any time soon.  Work has officially gone to full time, and the kids are in school and we've moved into our own apartment.  That means rent and bills and no safety net.  Child support continues to be inconsistent, so money is stressful.  Work is good, though, so I've got that.

The kids have been with Rick this weekend.  I've decided not to do much.  Ran a few errands yesterday, but really just trying to relax.  I'm sitting on the couch watching "The Object of My Affection" on TV.  Trying not to look too closely at the piles of laundry or the floor that needs to be scrubbed.  I've been thinking a lot about love lately.  Thinking about my life and experience.

I think that once you've been married, your experience doesn't go back any further than that relationship.  Was it a bad relationship?  Yes, and no.  There was love there.  For sure.  There was happiness, and misery.  Neither of us were perfect.  I still believe we could have salvaged that relationship, nourished the love, kept our family together.  That didn't work out for us.  I'm glad it didn't.  I am very happy to NOT be married to him any more.  His current behavior solidifies that feeling on a pretty regular basis.

After Rick there was Brian, and that was love too.  Two years of growth and learning.  So many experiences.  I developed self-knowledge and self-love that I had never had before.  Was it a bad relationship?  No, and yes.  It just wasn't right - for the long run.

And maybe that is true of this current guy.  The one who just isn't sure.  The one where we've committed to each other (there's no one else,) but he doesn't want to commit to any sort of future.  My kids like him.  I'm in love with him. But he just isn't sure.  And so, on again-off again has become off again, again. How do I settle for having the one I love in my life, only when it is convenient for him?  That is definitely the struggle with this life.  Six kids are a lot to take on.  But you have to take it all.  The good with the bad.  I don't want to do the hard days alone and then get to spend some time with my love.  I want to love ALL OF THE TIME.  It is just who I am.