38

Feels like forever since I've written anything.  Today is my birthday.  I am 38.


I had a wonderful weekend with the kids.  Craziness abounds in my life, and I have lost my "back-up" babysitter.  My mom (who normally watches the kids while I'm working) had to go out of town last week, so I ended up taking Thursday and Friday off of work to stay home. After just a year of working, I can hardly believe I got to stay at home with them for ten years.  I thoroughly enjoyed the past few days with them.  I love my children more than ever.  The mini-vacation prepped us for the long weekend, despite not having received my child support payment for last week. (The payments have been coming consistently for about two months now, so I was shocked and disappointed when nothing arrived.)  Let me assure you, however, that $6.47 in the bank account was not going to prevent me from enjoying five straight days at home with my kids.  A fun, relaxing, productive weekend was topped off yesterday with a trip to the park and some Boston cream cake complete with strawberries (Thanks, Brian!)  I didn't have to cook dinner (Thanks again, Brian!) and the children all went to sleep at a reasonable hour.

Today, my sweet co-worker treated me to lunch for my birthday.  She was very generous and provided a much-needed listening ear for my current drama.  For once I am not causing it myself.  For once, I feel separate from it - above it, beside it, whatever.  I do not feel consumed or confused.

My ex has decided it is time to start a public attack on me as a mother. He has involved law enforcement and County Social Services. Let's be clear, he has always been very vocal about his feelings/opinions toward me.  I have never, under any other circumstances, been the recipient of such spite and negativity.  His feelings are nothing new. Recently, however, something came up which he felt gave him an "in" to start this fiasco.  Honestly, my children (and their wonderful amazingness) should be evidence enough that I am doing something right.  However, there are two people (on the planet) who actually believe that I am a terrible mother who does not deserve to have these kids in my care.  Those two have begun their crusade.

The details are not important.  The only important fact in this situation is that I know, finally, without question, with conviction, that I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE.  I have had my crazy moments.  I have made bad choices, and done bad things.  I have, however, ALWAYS, taken care of my children.  I have always put their needs above everything else.  I love them with every ounce of energy in my body.  I am confident in my knowledge and ability as a mother, and nothing (AND NO ONE) will ever diminish that in me.  For that reason, it does not matter what anyone says or does to try to attack my family. Bring on your best.  I am not worried.  I am doing a damn good job.

So, I reflect, as I enter my 39th year...
I do not feel 38, but somehow I must be.
It has taken me this long to learn:
wisdom
maturity
patience
unconditional love
self love
acceptance

I know now I could not have become this person without all 38 of those years refining me.  And just think of the refining yet to be done.  I am a work in progress, but I am proud of what I have done - I am proud of who I am today.

Grateful for all of the support I get that reminds me...
Every day,
I can do this.