Belief

No, I don't believe in marriage any more. 

I believe in people making it work.  I believe in commitment.  And I believe in love. 

There is no question, that I believe in love. 

But marriage is a story.  I guess my marriage was a story, and not a very happy one.  Sadly, my marriage story includes divorce (the saddest thing of all) and trying to navigate parenting with someone l hate.  Because, let's be honest, for the MOST part, we hate our exes. 

I don't hate my ex for who he is.  I hate my ex for what he does - STILL -  to my kids.  I hate that he got married (in general) and that he married an abusive woman (in particular.) I hate that he had two more children (so far) and I hate to watch my children hurt.  I hate that he keeps leaving them, over and over.

Last week, my ex told me he is moving to Virginia.  The movers arrive at their home on May 28th.

So many mixed emotions, because I honestly believe they are better off without their father.  He has proven his priorities. Except, he will always be their father, and they will always long for love, acceptance, acknowledgement, appreciation from him. With him across the country, they will have no outlet to come to terms with the reality of their father, because he will be gone.  I get to pursue therapy, attempt to interpret behavior, and repeatedly validate emotions without any help, respect, or recognition from my ex. And still I will fall short and they will suffer.  Abandonment is very real for children.  He should know.

I think my ex's mom (and absent father too) was a narcissist.  I honestly believe this based on my research and absolutely no professional education or designation on the matter whatsoever.  And I believe he married a woman who is just as bad, but different, the second time. She is the center of that universe.  The kids are just an extension of the adults in that family. As they get older, and start having thoughts & feelings of their own, they outgrow their usefulness.  Even worse, they are accused of purposeful, hurtful mistreatment of their stepmother.  "We only fight when you guys are here."  "We don't want you to come visit if you just want to hurt me."  "News flash. Adults have feelings too!"

NEWS FLASH.  Your feelings are not the children's responsibility (or their fault.)

I LOVE THESE STINKING KIDS!

Life is hard.