What a long day.
I had to report to the Orange County Superior Court today for my child support modification hearing. After learning approximately how much money Rick was making (back in October) DCSS filed a modification request on my behalf. Since then, Rick told me he was "laid off" and (didn't tell me that he) subsequently went onto "Family Medical Leave" via the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA.) For Rick, this meant paid time off because of the baby his wife had in September. How nice for him. The DCSS began receiving the garnishments from his FMLA earnings last week (except they read as disability payments) and here we are. So when I arrive and speak to the DCSS Legal Dept rep, she tells me that his FMLA benefit is supposed to be ending yesterday (no verification) and he is claiming NO INCOME. Oh my. What a blindside. "Do you want to just keep the amount the same?" she says. My response was "No. I would really like to get him in front of a judge." Even though I was taking the risk that the judge would lower the monthly amount, I knew I had to make my case visible for the future. I knew that (regardless what happened) the likelihood is that Rick is NOT going to pay whatever amount is being ordered. At least if we were to see a judge today, the ball would be rolling. I could always go back once he gets a job. And he will get a job. He always does, eventually.
So, I was frustrated and stressed out and angry... So I went to the Block to eat some lunch and calm down during my two hour break. Of course I see Rick there, pushing the baby stroller. Then I head directly to the bathroom - and end up seeing his wife and her daughter there. Oh my. I bit my tongue. I was so annoyed. "I hope you're proud of yourself!" I thought "Trying to get out of supporting these six kids!" But I said nothing. No eye contact. Nothing. They left immediately, I'm pretty sure she skipped the drying her hands step as soon as she saw me. Lol.
During lunch I just tried to calm down. I talked on the phone a bit and tried to organize my thoughts into the points I wanted made. I scribbled notes and ate a sandwich. It worked. I was definitely more calm.
Sitting in front of the judge was nerve-racking. I tried to keep my mouth shut. Only speak when spoken to. Answer questions when you are asked. (Honestly, I was a bit unsuccessful. At the end the DCSS lawyer had to tell me "I didn't ask a question." Ooooooops!) Anyway, most of the points that I wanted to get in, got in. And finally, the judge made her order - $2388. WHAT? That's AWESOME! She set the amount based on his FMLA, which is lower than his potential income, so if he goes back to work, we can go back for another modification. Of course, right now, all that really means is that the amount he ISN'T paying will go up, effective November 1. Hopefully he goes back to work soon.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
*Needs*
100% openness and honesty
Stability - emotional
Stability - financial
Discipline
Respect for me/my children
Respect for the relationship
Self-confidence/esteem
Maturity
Independence
Love
Commitment - willingness and desire to commit
Safe with children
Loving to children
Wants children, enjoys children
Life is Hard
I haven't posted to this blog in about 19 months. My last post ended with the sentiment above, and I thought it appropriate to use it as my title today.
So much has happened since Rick moved, that I'm not sure exactly where to start or how to process it all.
So much has happened since Rick moved, that I'm not sure exactly where to start or how to process it all.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Belief
No, I don't believe in marriage any more.
I believe in people making it work. I believe in commitment. And I believe in love.
There is no question, that I believe in love.
But marriage is a story. I guess my marriage was a story, and not a very happy one. Sadly, my marriage story includes divorce (the saddest thing of all) and trying to navigate parenting with someone l hate. Because, let's be honest, for the MOST part, we hate our exes.
I don't hate my ex for who he is. I hate my ex for what he does - STILL - to my kids. I hate that he got married (in general) and that he married an abusive woman (in particular.) I hate that he had two more children (so far) and I hate to watch my children hurt. I hate that he keeps leaving them, over and over.
Last week, my ex told me he is moving to Virginia. The movers arrive at their home on May 28th.
So many mixed emotions, because I honestly believe they are better off without their father. He has proven his priorities. Except, he will always be their father, and they will always long for love, acceptance, acknowledgement, appreciation from him. With him across the country, they will have no outlet to come to terms with the reality of their father, because he will be gone. I get to pursue therapy, attempt to interpret behavior, and repeatedly validate emotions without any help, respect, or recognition from my ex. And still I will fall short and they will suffer. Abandonment is very real for children. He should know.
I think my ex's mom (and absent father too) was a narcissist. I honestly believe this based on my research and absolutely no professional education or designation on the matter whatsoever. And I believe he married a woman who is just as bad, but different, the second time. She is the center of that universe. The kids are just an extension of the adults in that family. As they get older, and start having thoughts & feelings of their own, they outgrow their usefulness. Even worse, they are accused of purposeful, hurtful mistreatment of their stepmother. "We only fight when you guys are here." "We don't want you to come visit if you just want to hurt me." "News flash. Adults have feelings too!"
NEWS FLASH. Your feelings are not the children's responsibility (or their fault.)
I LOVE THESE STINKING KIDS!
Life is hard.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
exMo announcement
I am not Mormon any more.
Now, I know that every active member who reads this will smugly think that I have lost the Spirit, lost my testimony, and have been led astray by the Adversary. I get it. I thought those things too. I made those judgments alongside my fellow Mormons for many years.
I should clarify that I have not resigned (written a formal letter requesting that my name be removed from Church records.) Technically, according to "THEM" I am still a member. Maybe inactive, but I'm still a member. Despite the fact that I do not have any plans to write that letter, I no longer believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to be true. As a matter of fact, I do not believe any church to be true. I no longer believe in God.
I am not angry at God. If there were a God, I am clearly quite "blessed" by that deity. I have family, friends, love, etc. I have survived tough trials. I recognize the wonderful positives in my life. I just do not believe there is any one "up there" controlling it all.
My reasons are my own, based on my study, my personal research, my open mind. If you care to know more, then you are free to contact me directly. I don't find it necessary to defend my decision. I just want to be very clear about where I stand today.
If you read my blog up to this point you will know how faithful I was. You know that I truly believed in all of it (hook, line, sinker!) Faith was comforting. OH SO COMFORTING. It is actually very difficult to be a person of faith and then become an atheist. What do you fall back on? How do you prioritize? What, then, becomes the meaning of life? Yet, here I am. I just don't believe anymore, but I still value life, love, service.
I am still (always) a mother to six amazing kids. Still a strong, confident, beautiful, intelligent, passionate woman. Just not a "woman of faith." Not anymore.
Now, I know that every active member who reads this will smugly think that I have lost the Spirit, lost my testimony, and have been led astray by the Adversary. I get it. I thought those things too. I made those judgments alongside my fellow Mormons for many years.
I should clarify that I have not resigned (written a formal letter requesting that my name be removed from Church records.) Technically, according to "THEM" I am still a member. Maybe inactive, but I'm still a member. Despite the fact that I do not have any plans to write that letter, I no longer believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to be true. As a matter of fact, I do not believe any church to be true. I no longer believe in God.
I am not angry at God. If there were a God, I am clearly quite "blessed" by that deity. I have family, friends, love, etc. I have survived tough trials. I recognize the wonderful positives in my life. I just do not believe there is any one "up there" controlling it all.
My reasons are my own, based on my study, my personal research, my open mind. If you care to know more, then you are free to contact me directly. I don't find it necessary to defend my decision. I just want to be very clear about where I stand today.
If you read my blog up to this point you will know how faithful I was. You know that I truly believed in all of it (hook, line, sinker!) Faith was comforting. OH SO COMFORTING. It is actually very difficult to be a person of faith and then become an atheist. What do you fall back on? How do you prioritize? What, then, becomes the meaning of life? Yet, here I am. I just don't believe anymore, but I still value life, love, service.
I am still (always) a mother to six amazing kids. Still a strong, confident, beautiful, intelligent, passionate woman. Just not a "woman of faith." Not anymore.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
38
Feels like forever since I've written anything. Today is my birthday. I am 38.
I had a wonderful weekend with the kids. Craziness abounds in my life, and I have lost my "back-up" babysitter. My mom (who normally watches the kids while I'm working) had to go out of town last week, so I ended up taking Thursday and Friday off of work to stay home. After just a year of working, I can hardly believe I got to stay at home with them for ten years. I thoroughly enjoyed the past few days with them. I love my children more than ever. The mini-vacation prepped us for the long weekend, despite not having received my child support payment for last week. (The payments have been coming consistently for about two months now, so I was shocked and disappointed when nothing arrived.) Let me assure you, however, that $6.47 in the bank account was not going to prevent me from enjoying five straight days at home with my kids. A fun, relaxing, productive weekend was topped off yesterday with a trip to the park and some Boston cream cake complete with strawberries (Thanks, Brian!) I didn't have to cook dinner (Thanks again, Brian!) and the children all went to sleep at a reasonable hour.
Today, my sweet co-worker treated me to lunch for my birthday. She was very generous and provided a much-needed listening ear for my current drama. For once I am not causing it myself. For once, I feel separate from it - above it, beside it, whatever. I do not feel consumed or confused.
My ex has decided it is time to start a public attack on me as a mother. He has involved law enforcement and County Social Services. Let's be clear, he has always been very vocal about his feelings/opinions toward me. I have never, under any other circumstances, been the recipient of such spite and negativity. His feelings are nothing new. Recently, however, something came up which he felt gave him an "in" to start this fiasco. Honestly, my children (and their wonderful amazingness) should be evidence enough that I am doing something right. However, there are two people (on the planet) who actually believe that I am a terrible mother who does not deserve to have these kids in my care. Those two have begun their crusade.
The details are not important. The only important fact in this situation is that I know, finally, without question, with conviction, that I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE. I have had my crazy moments. I have made bad choices, and done bad things. I have, however, ALWAYS, taken care of my children. I have always put their needs above everything else. I love them with every ounce of energy in my body. I am confident in my knowledge and ability as a mother, and nothing (AND NO ONE) will ever diminish that in me. For that reason, it does not matter what anyone says or does to try to attack my family. Bring on your best. I am not worried. I am doing a damn good job.
So, I reflect, as I enter my 39th year...
I do not feel 38, but somehow I must be.
It has taken me this long to learn:
wisdom
maturity
patience
unconditional love
self love
acceptance
I know now I could not have become this person without all 38 of those years refining me. And just think of the refining yet to be done. I am a work in progress, but I am proud of what I have done - I am proud of who I am today.
Grateful for all of the support I get that reminds me...
Every day,
I can do this.
I had a wonderful weekend with the kids. Craziness abounds in my life, and I have lost my "back-up" babysitter. My mom (who normally watches the kids while I'm working) had to go out of town last week, so I ended up taking Thursday and Friday off of work to stay home. After just a year of working, I can hardly believe I got to stay at home with them for ten years. I thoroughly enjoyed the past few days with them. I love my children more than ever. The mini-vacation prepped us for the long weekend, despite not having received my child support payment for last week. (The payments have been coming consistently for about two months now, so I was shocked and disappointed when nothing arrived.) Let me assure you, however, that $6.47 in the bank account was not going to prevent me from enjoying five straight days at home with my kids. A fun, relaxing, productive weekend was topped off yesterday with a trip to the park and some Boston cream cake complete with strawberries (Thanks, Brian!) I didn't have to cook dinner (Thanks again, Brian!) and the children all went to sleep at a reasonable hour.
Today, my sweet co-worker treated me to lunch for my birthday. She was very generous and provided a much-needed listening ear for my current drama. For once I am not causing it myself. For once, I feel separate from it - above it, beside it, whatever. I do not feel consumed or confused.
My ex has decided it is time to start a public attack on me as a mother. He has involved law enforcement and County Social Services. Let's be clear, he has always been very vocal about his feelings/opinions toward me. I have never, under any other circumstances, been the recipient of such spite and negativity. His feelings are nothing new. Recently, however, something came up which he felt gave him an "in" to start this fiasco. Honestly, my children (and their wonderful amazingness) should be evidence enough that I am doing something right. However, there are two people (on the planet) who actually believe that I am a terrible mother who does not deserve to have these kids in my care. Those two have begun their crusade.
The details are not important. The only important fact in this situation is that I know, finally, without question, with conviction, that I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE. I have had my crazy moments. I have made bad choices, and done bad things. I have, however, ALWAYS, taken care of my children. I have always put their needs above everything else. I love them with every ounce of energy in my body. I am confident in my knowledge and ability as a mother, and nothing (AND NO ONE) will ever diminish that in me. For that reason, it does not matter what anyone says or does to try to attack my family. Bring on your best. I am not worried. I am doing a damn good job.
So, I reflect, as I enter my 39th year...
I do not feel 38, but somehow I must be.
It has taken me this long to learn:
wisdom
maturity
patience
unconditional love
self love
acceptance
I know now I could not have become this person without all 38 of those years refining me. And just think of the refining yet to be done. I am a work in progress, but I am proud of what I have done - I am proud of who I am today.
Grateful for all of the support I get that reminds me...
Every day,
I can do this.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
love
I haven't written in a while. Life has been insanely busy, and I can't really see it letting up any time soon. Work has officially gone to full time, and the kids are in school and we've moved into our own apartment. That means rent and bills and no safety net. Child support continues to be inconsistent, so money is stressful. Work is good, though, so I've got that.
The kids have been with Rick this weekend. I've decided not to do much. Ran a few errands yesterday, but really just trying to relax. I'm sitting on the couch watching "The Object of My Affection" on TV. Trying not to look too closely at the piles of laundry or the floor that needs to be scrubbed. I've been thinking a lot about love lately. Thinking about my life and experience.
I think that once you've been married, your experience doesn't go back any further than that relationship. Was it a bad relationship? Yes, and no. There was love there. For sure. There was happiness, and misery. Neither of us were perfect. I still believe we could have salvaged that relationship, nourished the love, kept our family together. That didn't work out for us. I'm glad it didn't. I am very happy to NOT be married to him any more. His current behavior solidifies that feeling on a pretty regular basis.
After Rick there was Brian, and that was love too. Two years of growth and learning. So many experiences. I developed self-knowledge and self-love that I had never had before. Was it a bad relationship? No, and yes. It just wasn't right - for the long run.
And maybe that is true of this current guy. The one who just isn't sure. The one where we've committed to each other (there's no one else,) but he doesn't want to commit to any sort of future. My kids like him. I'm in love with him. But he just isn't sure. And so, on again-off again has become off again, again. How do I settle for having the one I love in my life, only when it is convenient for him? That is definitely the struggle with this life. Six kids are a lot to take on. But you have to take it all. The good with the bad. I don't want to do the hard days alone and then get to spend some time with my love. I want to love ALL OF THE TIME. It is just who I am.
The kids have been with Rick this weekend. I've decided not to do much. Ran a few errands yesterday, but really just trying to relax. I'm sitting on the couch watching "The Object of My Affection" on TV. Trying not to look too closely at the piles of laundry or the floor that needs to be scrubbed. I've been thinking a lot about love lately. Thinking about my life and experience.
I think that once you've been married, your experience doesn't go back any further than that relationship. Was it a bad relationship? Yes, and no. There was love there. For sure. There was happiness, and misery. Neither of us were perfect. I still believe we could have salvaged that relationship, nourished the love, kept our family together. That didn't work out for us. I'm glad it didn't. I am very happy to NOT be married to him any more. His current behavior solidifies that feeling on a pretty regular basis.
After Rick there was Brian, and that was love too. Two years of growth and learning. So many experiences. I developed self-knowledge and self-love that I had never had before. Was it a bad relationship? No, and yes. It just wasn't right - for the long run.
And maybe that is true of this current guy. The one who just isn't sure. The one where we've committed to each other (there's no one else,) but he doesn't want to commit to any sort of future. My kids like him. I'm in love with him. But he just isn't sure. And so, on again-off again has become off again, again. How do I settle for having the one I love in my life, only when it is convenient for him? That is definitely the struggle with this life. Six kids are a lot to take on. But you have to take it all. The good with the bad. I don't want to do the hard days alone and then get to spend some time with my love. I want to love ALL OF THE TIME. It is just who I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)