What I Allow

I let him hurt me again today.  Deeply.  I let him hurt me with his lies, and his victim attitude, and his insisting that I am to blame for his poor choices.  I did not choose, either directly OR indirectly, for him to stop paying child support for three months.  I did not have anything to do with that choice.

I chose to file a court case in an attempt to be kept "in the loop" on his employment info.  He says I could have gone to mediation through DCSS.  Maybe, but am I supposed to expect cooperation with a mediator from a man who outright refuses to pay child support voluntarily?  A man who lies to me at every juncture?  I would be more than happy to mediate, but what evidence have I seen that he's willing to communicate or cooperate at ANY level?  NONE!

I'm open.  I'm waiting.

Yes, I let him hurt me.  And no one can hurt me like he does.  Those feelings are so raw.  In a way, I think I even still have love for him, and that just makes everything hurt more.

I've been praying for him a lot lately.
Emotionally destroyed a bit today.  But I won't let him have that power.  This time is mine.

Dinosaur!

This morning, right around 3am, I got a visit from Janey (or Janette, as she so beautifully enunciates, now that she is attending preschool - they call her by her full name.)  She came into my room to tell me that there was a dinosaur in her room.  I asked her about it.  She told me it was black, and she saw it on Breanna's ladder up to her bed.  I half paid attention as she continued to, matter-of-factly describe the dinosaur in the girls room.  She asked me if it was my pet.

 

 "Sure, Jane, it's my pet dinosaur.  It's very nice.  It won't hurt you."

  "But it will roar."  

"Roar?" 

"Yes, it will roar in my face.  And it will meow because it is a kitty."  

Our conversation went on and on.  Parker woke up as well, so I was patiently, gently, delicately trying to get the babies to just GO TO SLEEP.  I was not successful for over an hour.

This morning, somehow, we all were laying in my bed goofing off (except Jason, of course, who is suddenly too cool.)  I recounted the dinosaur story to Hattie, and she devuded to ask Jane.

"Janey, did you see a dinosaur?"

"Yes."

"Where was it?"

"It was in your room!  But it was really a hanger, in the morningtime."

Now, this story probably doesn't translate well to print, but it was immensely ammusing at the time.  I couldn't stop laughing.  My smart little Janey is so much fun!

I cannot believe

I spent ten years and had six kids with that worthless piece of crap.

I am so angry.

Dating

Has been interesting.
I'm learning soooooooo much about myself, and I think I've truly come to believe that I am loveable.  Not because I'm sexually attractive, or hilarious, or smart, but just because I'm ME.  It's a completely new feeling, but it feels GOOD, let me tell you!
I used to pick someone and decide to go for it.  This strategy is most accurately represented through the story of my marriage.  Decide and do.  I decided I wanted Rick, and that was it.  We got married.  No preparation, no "get to know you" or ease into it.  Just decide and do.  I've decided that it's time for a new strategy...  How about actually developing a relationship (starting with friendship) over time, and then figuring out if you are compatible beyond that initial attraction?  How about that?  I'm finding that I'm just not that interested now that I've removed the feeling of desperation from my search.  Fascinating!
I also weigh more than I've ever weighed (not pregnant) in my life.  I am not proud of my body.  But (and this is very, very significant for me) I DON'T CARE.  I know that no matter what I weigh, I am deserving of love.  It is a wonderful feeling.
So much of my marriage was characterized by "I love you 'even though'..."  Even though the house isn't clean enough.  Even though you've put on some weight.  Even though you're mean.  Even though...  I was always so fortunate to have a husband who was willing to love me "even though..."  No longer!  Now I know I deserve more, I deserve better, I deserve to feel loved, truly loved. 
I work very hard to make sure my children feel loved and loveable.  The majority of my energy and attention goes to figuring out how to meet their emotional needs effectively.  I can see the difference in them.  I believe I'm doing something right.
I think I have truly found my confidence, found myself, and I like it!
This used to be me:
Watch "Lee Brice - Hard to Love (Official Video)" on YouTube
But no more!  I am easy to love.  In so many ways, for so many reasons!
I can do this.

First day of school

I really don't have any idea what I'm doing.  This is so hard.  So very very hard.

I don't know how to do every day at this pace.  I sincerely hope you are praying for my family.  If you're reading this blog, please say a prayer for me, for us because I am feeling extremely overwhelmed.  There is no other way to describe this constant anxiety I am feeling.

At least three times a day, I find myself taking a deep breath in, and as I let it out, I say...  " I can do this. "  It has become my mantra.  Because, despite all obstacles, I really, truly CAN.  I just don't exactly know how, right now.

August

I wish I had a working computer.  I need to be blogging more.  It is a part of who I am...

Until I get a new one, I will do my best to put some brief thoughts down via phone.

As the arrival of the "new baby" approaches, I find myself getting increasingly emotional about the X, the past, etc.  I can feel all of this heartbreak, and I can only assume it is because he is officially having another baby.  After the way he treated me (AND PACO) throughout that pregnancy and into the newborn (first eight...) months, it hurts immensely to know he has "been there" and will "be there" for this baby.  Wouldn't it be better to just decide you're going to "be there" for these six kids?  I know it isn't within my realm of control, but boy have I let it get under my skin.  I think I've been pretty calm overall, but lately I think my subconscious is revealing my true feelings.

This is where blogging helps.  Since I can't go to him (the X) directly (it may be a shock, but, yes, I have had that urge, as of late) with my hurt, anger, pain, etc., what do I do?

Aaaah, so simple.  Take it to the Lord.  His Grace Is Sufficient.  His Atonement is perfect.  He is perfectly equiped to extend His mercy, love, comfort... whatever I need!  And He does give me those things, in droves.  I am grateful for the reminder...

I can do this.

notes

Struck by memories.  Conference, October, 2010.

These two talks tore at my heart.  Both were from the Priesthood Session.

Pride in the Priesthood. 

The 3 Rs of Choice.

I've been thinking about my marriage a lot lately.  Thinking about my (ex)husband.  My heart still breaks sometimes.  I'm still overcoming that hurt.

I don't know what happens next.  Why am I going bavkward?  I truly want to move forward. I'm sitting in church, and I feel like the Lord is drawing me back to these feelings.  Why?  Why now?

What am I waiting for?  I've been repeatedly told that I can do better.  Better tgan what?  What does "better" entail?  Better than LOVE, COMMITMENT, DEDICATION, PASSION?  What more should I be waiting for?  What more is there?

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