love

I haven't written in a while.  Life has been insanely busy, and I can't really see it letting up any time soon.  Work has officially gone to full time, and the kids are in school and we've moved into our own apartment.  That means rent and bills and no safety net.  Child support continues to be inconsistent, so money is stressful.  Work is good, though, so I've got that.

The kids have been with Rick this weekend.  I've decided not to do much.  Ran a few errands yesterday, but really just trying to relax.  I'm sitting on the couch watching "The Object of My Affection" on TV.  Trying not to look too closely at the piles of laundry or the floor that needs to be scrubbed.  I've been thinking a lot about love lately.  Thinking about my life and experience.

I think that once you've been married, your experience doesn't go back any further than that relationship.  Was it a bad relationship?  Yes, and no.  There was love there.  For sure.  There was happiness, and misery.  Neither of us were perfect.  I still believe we could have salvaged that relationship, nourished the love, kept our family together.  That didn't work out for us.  I'm glad it didn't.  I am very happy to NOT be married to him any more.  His current behavior solidifies that feeling on a pretty regular basis.

After Rick there was Brian, and that was love too.  Two years of growth and learning.  So many experiences.  I developed self-knowledge and self-love that I had never had before.  Was it a bad relationship?  No, and yes.  It just wasn't right - for the long run.

And maybe that is true of this current guy.  The one who just isn't sure.  The one where we've committed to each other (there's no one else,) but he doesn't want to commit to any sort of future.  My kids like him.  I'm in love with him. But he just isn't sure.  And so, on again-off again has become off again, again. How do I settle for having the one I love in my life, only when it is convenient for him?  That is definitely the struggle with this life.  Six kids are a lot to take on.  But you have to take it all.  The good with the bad.  I don't want to do the hard days alone and then get to spend some time with my love.  I want to love ALL OF THE TIME.  It is just who I am.

Things my daughter is learning.

The other night, Hattie and I were straightening up the kitchen after the rest of the kids had gone to bed.  Earlier, Brian had loaded the dishwasher, but not started it (one of my pet peeves.)  As I was loading it with soap and turning the dial, I asked Hattie...  "What should we say to Brian when he loads the dishwasher differently than I would do it?  And then he doesn't bother to start it running...?"  She thought a bit and said "You did it wrong."  I smiled at her and responded, "No.  We should say 'Thank you.'  Even if he didn't do it the way I expected him to, he still was trying to help me/us, and I am grateful."   We talked a little more about it, and I felt the message was strongly sent.  I explained to her that was one of the many things her dad and I both did wrong in our first marriage - being overly critical of one another, and being under appreciative.  Wow, what a wonderful opportunity for an important lesson. 

Hattie has been really struggling the past week or so.  Emotionally, she is a bit of a wreck.  I am not sure why.  I believe it has something to do with some trouble at school (missing assignments) but I also know she is dealing with some upset feelings toward her dad.  Last night, as I tucked her in, she expressed some of her disappointment to me (on a very limited scale) and I suggested to her that she talk to her dad about her feelings.  "I don't know how," is always her response to my suggestion.  I reminded her that when she is upset with me, she doesn't have any trouble telling me.  When she is upset with Brian, she usually confronts him as well - she admitted that her confrontations with Brian are often with a bad attitude, but that wasn't my focus here.  I asked her what I do, and what Brian does, how we respond, when she lets us know how she feels.  "You apologize."  Hmmm.....  "Does Brian apologize?"  "Yes."  "Even when you are being snotty about it?"  "Yes, usually."

Now, what will happen when (if) she tells her dad how she feels?  I can't say 100%, but I can certainly guess based on my experience.  If she communicates her disappointment at (for example) her Dad not coming to the father-daughter dance at school, then he will likely remind her that she knows he loves her.  He will tell her his (often valid) reasons for having caused the disappointment.  He will (most likely) offer someone else to blame (MOM, his work, etc.)  However, does it really matter what he says to her?  No, it absolutely doesn't.  What matters is that she is comfortable enough with, aware enough of her own feelings to express them directly to the people who she feels are causing her hurt.  Sharing her feelings is vital, not so that she can change HIM, but so she can be emotionally healthy.  So that she can continue to mature, and learn to trust others, despite the abandonment and disappointment she feels.

The other day in the car she mentioned that she will never have a broken heart because she will always be the one to break up in a relationship.  How terribly sad.  I don't want her to feel dependant upon a man or a relationship.  But I also do not want her to cut off her heart to love and companionship.  I can see her setting aside her feelings.  I watch her minimize her pain, even now, at just eleven years old.  It is heartbreaking.  I hear her saying my words of acceptance "This is my life!" with a smile on her face.  She is so sweet and funny and clever and strong.  I admire her.  I love her. I am proud of who she is becoming.

i should be sleeping.

The other thing that church reminded me of was an experience I had with the Lord in late 2010.  I had been diligent about reading scriptures and praying every single night.  I felt connected with the Lord.  I was immensely distraught over my divorce, my husband (at the time) and what was to become of my marriage/family.  It was a very very difficult time.  I was trying desperately to understand my husband's choices and I just couldn't.  The Spirit had confirmed to me that I was on the right path, that my desires were pure...  So I knelt one night and prayed - FERVENTLY prayed - to be enlightened by my reading.  I prayed that the scriptures I read that night would give me some insight into where Rick was at emotionally, spiritually - what was "going on" with him.  I stood from my knees, opened my scriptures, and read Exodus Chapters 8, 9, and 10.  This is the story of the pharoah.  He keeps saying he's going to do the right thing.  He keeps getting signs.  He chooses to ignore the signs - over and over and over.  I kept reading and reading for the point when the pharaoh comes around.  Over and over, he says he's going to let them go, but then he just doesn't.  He hardens his heart - over and over and over.  If you are familiar with the story, then you know that the Pharaoh never comes around.  Moses and the people escape, are chased, red sea, blah blah blah...

The Lord (STRAIGHT UP) answered my prayer that night.  I knew it then.  I knew without question that Rick wasn't going to EVER come around.  It didn't stop me from trying (and trying and trying and trying,) but I got the message.  What a great testimony of truth.  And what a sad reality.

Months after that experience, I texted Rick about it.  He had told me that he wouldn't believe that he was supposed to come back to me unless God himself appeared to him.  LOL.  I am not kidding.  So I told him about the night I prayed and was led to read Exodus.  I asked him to read it.  I doubt he did.

Tonight I went back to my backed up text messages to find that one about Exodus.  I wanted to remember what I had told him.  I re-read the messages from that day and the next.  It was only a small excerpt of months and months of texts and emails in which I tried to convince him of my sincerity, but I read in a different light tonight.  Last time I read old texts, I cried and was "devastated."  Tonight, it made me sad, but it gave me resolve.  It renewed that same testomony of my path.  I was (without question) telling the truth the entire time.  Rick's refusal to believe my words did not make me a liar.  And his denial of reality did not make him honest.  Truth is truth.  Lies are lies.  The Spirit will testify of TRUTH.  If we are open to it.  If we are sincere.  If we are listening.

What a profound experience.  What a great reminder of how great our lives can be if we choose to rely on the Lord - CHOOSE (the right) to TRUST HIM.  I am grateful for the reminder.

Love/Fear

I know I'm a little late to write/post, but I had a great day at church this weekend.  Feeling happy in so many ways (also stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, chaotic) that I wanted to reflect a little bit.

First, let's be clear.  I take six kids to church with me every other Sunday, so I cannot claim to have caught/heard/internalized all of the many wonderful spiritual thoughts that were proclaimed, but can distinctly remember bits and pieces.  Most significantly, the quote that stood out to me was "Love is a greater motivator than fear."  Parenting (and parenting styles) have been a common subject of thought and discussion for me lately.   I would argue that my style is based on love.  I want them to feel loved, safe, comfortable with their own feelings.  I am trying to teach them to communicate their emotions effectively.  I think it is an important skill in life.  I am trying to teach them to be self-reliant, confident, independant thinkers and feelers.  I do that by making an effort to truly KNOW them as individuals.  I seek to understand their emotional needs and figure out how best to communicate with them.  Believe me, with six little INDIVIDUALS it is not an easy job.  That aspect of this job is enough to keep me busy full time.  It is my highest priority - to love them, guide them, know them, accept them - help them understand and own their personal responsibilities in and to this world, their ultimate autonomy.  I want them to understand how much control they have over their own destinies, how much their choices affect their reality, and the importance of a strong spiritual foundation.  I am NOT trying to scare them into submission, to "force" them to be good, or to make them follow (senseless) "rules."  I don't think fear is an effective motivator.   Especially not for children.  They will be more successful when they feel acceptance, love, understanding and guidance.  Not fear.   Respect, yes. But not fear.  And you have to choose.  You can't have both.  You can't BE both.

a couple of C words

Church.

No, going to church on Sunday does not "make it all better" when you've been sinful or have issues with obedience.  I have my faults; I admit them; I continue to work on them (with the help of my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and, perhaps, my therapist.)  I try to get to church every Sunday.  Lately I've been lazy on my "off" weekends and the kids were sick the previous Sunday they were home.  No excuses.  Just life.  Last weekend I got them all up and ready for church on time.  Jan 1 our Sacrament time changed to 9am and I was very nervous about accomplishing it.  I even made sure to send them to bed early on Saturday.  We pulled into the church parking lot exactly at 9am to find it completely empty.  LOL.  Oooops.  Stake conference.  I usually would have just skipped (Stake Conference with six little kids is way tooooo much for me!  Especially alone!) but I decided to give it a try.  I drove around a bit and pulled into the Stake center parking lot closer to 9:30.  Ugh.  Stake Conference didn't start until ten.  We made it about a half an hour before I packed it in and went home.  Maybe next time.  Maybe next year.
However, what is important is that I tried.  MOST Sundays (particularly the ones where I have the kids home with me) I am at church.  That is not to try to "act as if" I am perfect or doing everything right.  It is just because I'd like to set the example to my children that attending church on Sunday is important.  That's all.  It isn't about me or how I look.  It's about teaching my children a value, not about whether or not I am perfectly living Gospel standards today.  I think that making the effort to bring them when I have them sends a clear message to them about its importance.

Competition/Comparisons

I do not believe that I am in competion with my ex.  I, of course, think I am better.  I'm sure he (and she) think(s) the same of themselves.  Of COURSE we think we are better than the other.  It is the nature of being "exes."  Do I worry about being seen as better?  Absolutely not.  I am happy and confident in the choices I make as a mother, in my children's interest.  I HAVE, on more than one occassion, asked the children (when they have told me how their father handled a particular situation) "Is that how Mommy would have handled that?"  and "Would you like it better if I did it the way that Daddy does it?"  I ask only because I HONESTLY would like to know if they prefer the methods being used at Daddy's house.  I tell them that if they want things done differently, we can talk about it.  Sometimes I will be able to implement the changes and other times I may not believe change is the right choice, but I will always listen to them.  I always want to hear their preferences and opinions.  Of course we all love the children.  We just have different methods.  I definitely want to use the method that is most effective.  That is why co-parenting would be beneficial.

To yell or not to yell.

I used to yell at my kids.  No, really.  I used to yell at my kids A LOT.  Looking back, I can remember periods of time that it felt like all I ever did was yell!  Divorce has changed me IMMENSELY as a parent.  There is no question that I am a better mother now.  Rick may not recognize it, but the people who SEE me, the people who KNOW me, do.

As I had a (brief) text interaction with my (extremely unreasonable) ex-husband today, I got to thinking a lot about how different we are as parents.  Clearly, in the past couple of years, Rick and I have demonstrated (repeatedly) that our parenting styles are very, very different.  One might even call them "contradictory" styles.  My style is more permissive - fostering independence and self-reliance, if you will - while his is more dictatorial.  If he was willing to work with me, I would be happy to take parenting classes with him.  If he was willing, I would be happy to speak with a therapist with him.  However, his behavior has shown nothing but an UNWILLINGNESS to admit a need for change.  So, here we sit.  The children suffer as they are subject to two (even three, since she has another style altogether) different styles of parenting and discipline.  We as parents suffer because our efforts are contantly being thwarted at the other parent's home.

Back to the yelling.  I still yell at my kids a bit.  It is much less than it used to be.  Much much less.  And I would also venture that it continues to decrease.  I yell more when I am tired or frustrated, overwhelmed or just annoyed.  I yell when my kids are all yelling or ignoring me or disobeying.  But I really don't yell very much.  I've noticed that I most often speak calmly, even as they are yelling at me, talking back or misbehaving.  I can feel the increase in my own peace, in my own sanity.  I can remember my mom asking me to yell less when we first moved in there.  I didn't think the yelling was that big of a deal.  It felt normal. But now I see it.  (Thanks for being patient with me, Mom.)

The further I get from my marriage, the more clearly I see just how BAD it was.  Rick still yells at the kids and spanks (mostly Jane) a lot.  I know because the kids sometimes tell me sotries (unsolicited, I swear) and because I can TELL through their actions.  They come home from their father's house YELLING at each other a lot more.  The first three days after a visit, I spend a lot of time saying "We don't speak to each other that way."

Just today, as I interacted with Rick via text, it occurred to me that maybe the yelling was a product of much more than MY personal weakness as a mother and human being (shocker, I know.)  I am finding that  lot of what existed in that relationship/marriage/family was a product of more than my weakness, despite what I FELT during the marriage.  Distance does that.  It helps us to see what was reality and what was perception.  And perhaps what was a fat pile of passive aggressive bullshit. (Oh wait, did I just say that out loud?)

I know that Rick thinks I re-write history.  However, I am not telling you a story about what happened in my marriage.  I am contrasting my behavior then and now.  I am saying that WITH Rick, I was a certain way (with the children) and WITHOUT Rick, I am another way - arguably, a better way.  I am pointing out that, arguably, HIS behaviors haven't changed, and that the children come home from visits angry, violent and yelling at one another.

Finally, there is a DISTINCT difference, emotionally, between the older four children and the younger two.  Their demeanor.  Their openness.  Jane, at THREE, has openly communicated her emotions in ways that the older kids still do not (at least not without lots of prodding.)  She has an awareness and acceptance of her emotions.  When she plays with Parker (just the two of them) she speaks sweetly, with respect.  Jane was 9 months old when Rick and I separated.  These years are clearly very formitive ones, emotionally.  She learned something different than the older four.

Rick asked me to give him more time with the children today.  He said that if I want to give him my weekends, he would love to have more time with them.  I told him no.  I told him there was no way I would offer him my time.  With this blog post, I am attempting to explain that decision.  No, I do not think that my ex-husband is a good father.  Take AWAY the fact that he doesn't pay child support.  I STILL think he behaves selfishly, without care for what is in the childrens interest.  I know that the children spending time with him is important. I know they will never have another father. Whatever relationship he chooses to develop with them will be important to them maturing into adulthood, especially the girls. I would NEVER suggest that he NOT see them.   He even admitted in his text message that he KNOWS he would have more time if he lived closer.  He wants to get ANOTHER shortcut (patterns can be soooo disturbing!!) - this time to fatherhood.  But, no, I will not give him more time.  Not with things as they are.  He will have to make an effort.  A real effort.