I wonder if I will ever learn to value myself beyond my physical body and my sexual attractiveness. I am starting to realize that no one else will place a greater value on me until I can place that value on myself. If I am willing to give myself away so callously, then I must not be worth much, right?
I know that the woman that Heavenly Father sees is so much greater than the way I have treated myself. But I also want someone to treat me respectfully without me having to make them. Do I determine how I am treated, or can the right guy reinforce in me that my value is greater than my body? The problem begins with me. I guess it must end with me too. I can't put that on anyone else. But I am afraid to do it all alone. I want a partner. I love being in love. What is wrong with longing to find the person you are destined to love?
I am so angry at myself for being foolish and eager and naive. I'm angry and hurting that I jump ahead too far too fast. Probably should've re-read that last post a couple of (hundred) times
over the course of the last two weeks. I really, honestly, do NOT know
how to NOT get ahead of myself. Life is overwhelming, and I've always
hated being alone.
So back to the old standbys - FAITH, TRUST, & PATIENCE. Let go of CONTROL. But don't settle. Never, ever settle.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Slow Down.
I have never been very patient. I mean, as a mother, I have learned patience. You cannot have six children and NOT be patient, at least to some extent, without actually causing physical harm to one or more of them. So, in the interest of my children's safety, I have learned to be patient with their antics. But I have never been patient with life.
I was one of those students that always wanted to be finished first. Sometimes the quality of my work would suffer because I was in such a race, but I was always more concerned with being the fastest. Plus, I wanted to move on to "what's next." Not really a great way to live life.
I am mostly impatient with relationships and with my emotions. But I've also learned that the more I actually accept my emotions, the quicker I am able to get over them! There is nothing that DRAGS out depression like DENIAL! And I am speaking from experience!!!
Soul searching the past couple of days has really been beneficial, and I've started to see the path I need to be taking. Slowly. I need to relax and drink in my life. Drink in my children. Accomplish what I can and let the rest go!
Just as is our relationship with God must be built "line upon line" so must our relationships with our fellow man, with those we love, our children, our eternal companions. I'm grateful for this knowledge and a newfound ability to take my time. Still immensely grateful for the support I am receiving - emotional, physical, financial - to help me through this harrowing time.
I was one of those students that always wanted to be finished first. Sometimes the quality of my work would suffer because I was in such a race, but I was always more concerned with being the fastest. Plus, I wanted to move on to "what's next." Not really a great way to live life.
I am mostly impatient with relationships and with my emotions. But I've also learned that the more I actually accept my emotions, the quicker I am able to get over them! There is nothing that DRAGS out depression like DENIAL! And I am speaking from experience!!!
Soul searching the past couple of days has really been beneficial, and I've started to see the path I need to be taking. Slowly. I need to relax and drink in my life. Drink in my children. Accomplish what I can and let the rest go!
Just as is our relationship with God must be built "line upon line" so must our relationships with our fellow man, with those we love, our children, our eternal companions. I'm grateful for this knowledge and a newfound ability to take my time. Still immensely grateful for the support I am receiving - emotional, physical, financial - to help me through this harrowing time.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Breathe
I am so happy we are at home in our new ward. The Sisters and the Brothers are all very friendly and welcoming. Many of them have made it a point to know my name, introduce themselves (frequently) and say hello. Several have offered items or help. Doesn't seem to matter where our family sits during Sacrament, the neighbors are
supportive, helpful, offering a toy or a snack and grabbing a child who
needs attention or soothing. It is comforting to know I will be able to accomplish it each and every week AND I'm not alone - I am already a member of a Ward Family. As I gathered the monkeys to go home after the block, one of the Primary leaders introduced herself and mentioned how much the adore my children (already - it's only our second Sunday.) They are such great kids. I am so proud and so grateful.
After church my parents came over to work on some household things (the yard.) Having two extra adults around helped with the child supervision, so my mom (and Breanna) and I were able to clean the stove. It's the little things. Plus Mom was happy with the new configuration of furniture in the living room. Whew. I can breathe for another day.
I survived this morning - preparing for church, and I survived church, and now I've just got 2 hours til bedtime.
Although today started out rough, I knew church would settle me. I feel calm comfort, once again, and I know I can do this.
After church my parents came over to work on some household things (the yard.) Having two extra adults around helped with the child supervision, so my mom (and Breanna) and I were able to clean the stove. It's the little things. Plus Mom was happy with the new configuration of furniture in the living room. Whew. I can breathe for another day.
I survived this morning - preparing for church, and I survived church, and now I've just got 2 hours til bedtime.
Although today started out rough, I knew church would settle me. I feel calm comfort, once again, and I know I can do this.
Overwhelmed
Some days are harder than others. It has been a wonderful Spring Break, but it has also been a long one. Multiple doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, and a few FUN days at Knott's Berry Farm got us through. I am overwhelmed and exhausted and just about ready to head into a new week. Only two more months of school before summer break...
I am being suffocated by feelings of not enough lately. Try as I might, I feel completely incapable of getting or keeping my house clean. I can spend three hours straightening and sweeping and scrubbing and in just 5 minutes it can be a wreck again. And it isn't that the children are being overly messy or disrespectful, they are just being children. They have to eat, don't they? And I had to take the time to prepare the meal, but now it will take twice as long to clean up after the meal. Dishes, table, floor. Not to mention the actual child and their chair. I do not mean to complain, I am just tired.
To top it off, I am constantly being told that more needs to be done. The kids rooms HAVE TO be clean, all of the time. The laundry CANNOT pile up on the couch. Even when I am working at full capacity, constantly, I cannot accomplish all that needs to be done. Even if I were to ignore the emotional needs, the cuddles, the attention that my children need, I STILL could not accomplish all that needs to be done. And I am continuously being reminded of all the ways I must still improve.
I need to figure out how to keep the house clean. I need to figure out how to make the money last ($1000 per month from the state since we're still waiting on child support.) I need to keep the clothes washed, dried, folded and put away. I need to keep the yard straight. I need to unpack boxes in the garage, and set up laundry and play areas. I need to meet the needs of six challenging children - aged 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, and 1 - every single day. I need to feed them, wash them, clothe them. I need to scold them, encourage them, listen to them, discipline them. I need to stay sane. I need to get over the hurt and disappointment and discouragement from the failure of my marriage. I need to forget my ex-husband and his new wife and all their "happiness" and their new baby, even though those things are an integral part of my children's life. We separated less than two years ago. We've been divorced less than six months. I need to remind myself that I'm doing okay, because I am being told over and over how much more I need to be doing, how I need to suck it up, how I should just figure it out.
This week, out of desperation, I drank one of those 5 hour energy drinks in an attempt to have the ability to do and BE more. I ended up sleeping only 2 hours in that 24 hour period. I accomplished a lot, but, by the next morning, I was pretty much where I had started - with just as much cleaning and caring and work to do. I have honestly considered (but, no I haven't tried) every "pharmaceutical" option I could think of to overcome my inadequacies. I really, honestly do not know how to do this. And how do I try to figure out a "job" on top of everything else? I need income. I am so scared. I am worried about myself; I am worried about my kids; I get nothing but contempt from my ex and his wife, even when I BEG them for cooperation.
I know I have a ton of support from family and friends, but still I feel afraid and alone.
I am being suffocated by feelings of not enough lately. Try as I might, I feel completely incapable of getting or keeping my house clean. I can spend three hours straightening and sweeping and scrubbing and in just 5 minutes it can be a wreck again. And it isn't that the children are being overly messy or disrespectful, they are just being children. They have to eat, don't they? And I had to take the time to prepare the meal, but now it will take twice as long to clean up after the meal. Dishes, table, floor. Not to mention the actual child and their chair. I do not mean to complain, I am just tired.
To top it off, I am constantly being told that more needs to be done. The kids rooms HAVE TO be clean, all of the time. The laundry CANNOT pile up on the couch. Even when I am working at full capacity, constantly, I cannot accomplish all that needs to be done. Even if I were to ignore the emotional needs, the cuddles, the attention that my children need, I STILL could not accomplish all that needs to be done. And I am continuously being reminded of all the ways I must still improve.
I need to figure out how to keep the house clean. I need to figure out how to make the money last ($1000 per month from the state since we're still waiting on child support.) I need to keep the clothes washed, dried, folded and put away. I need to keep the yard straight. I need to unpack boxes in the garage, and set up laundry and play areas. I need to meet the needs of six challenging children - aged 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, and 1 - every single day. I need to feed them, wash them, clothe them. I need to scold them, encourage them, listen to them, discipline them. I need to stay sane. I need to get over the hurt and disappointment and discouragement from the failure of my marriage. I need to forget my ex-husband and his new wife and all their "happiness" and their new baby, even though those things are an integral part of my children's life. We separated less than two years ago. We've been divorced less than six months. I need to remind myself that I'm doing okay, because I am being told over and over how much more I need to be doing, how I need to suck it up, how I should just figure it out.
This week, out of desperation, I drank one of those 5 hour energy drinks in an attempt to have the ability to do and BE more. I ended up sleeping only 2 hours in that 24 hour period. I accomplished a lot, but, by the next morning, I was pretty much where I had started - with just as much cleaning and caring and work to do. I have honestly considered (but, no I haven't tried) every "pharmaceutical" option I could think of to overcome my inadequacies. I really, honestly do not know how to do this. And how do I try to figure out a "job" on top of everything else? I need income. I am so scared. I am worried about myself; I am worried about my kids; I get nothing but contempt from my ex and his wife, even when I BEG them for cooperation.
I know I have a ton of support from family and friends, but still I feel afraid and alone.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter - Part 2
I feel it a challenge to come up with appropriate titles for my posts. I suppose I could call them all "Gratitude" but then that doesn't really distinguish one from another - I've realized it helps to be able to distinguish them. So, especially when I am posting more than once in the same day... I struggle to be clever OR creative. Sorry, folks.
After our Easter Sunday at church, we went to my Mom's for family time on Easter. Normally they don't really "do" Easter (I cannot remember the last time we got together for this holiday!) but I am guessing the Grandparents were welcoming an opportunity to invite the grandkids over (not for babysitting purposes...)
I love my family. I mean, I really love my family. We (particularly my brothers and I) are loud and passionate, enthusiastic and entertaining. There is always a lot of laughing. My mother is usually shushing us and my sisters-in-law are almost always rolling their eyes at their spouses talkative ways. We mock each other freely. I think family gatherings were more difficult with my ex. I had a greater tendency to judge others and to take their comments personally. As my testimony has grown, so has my confidence, and so has my love and appreciation for these wonderful people I get to call family!
I got home just after 8, and FINALLY got the kids all to bed by about 9. Rather than take advantage of the opportunity to get some sleep I decided it was a good time to straighten up in silence. Felt really good to make that decision! I straightened up the living room, moved furniture around, swept the floor, and eventually scrubbed the entire wood floor (living room, entry way, hallway.) After that, I swept the kitchen and made a large dent in the stack of dishes that were waiting for me. In the meantime I washed and dried two loads of laundry. As I was washing the dishes, I was reflecting on how nice it was to get some cleaning done - I was feeling so accomplished! What had inspired me to stay up later tonight to achieve these extra tasks? I wondered... Then it hit me. I drank 3 (caffeinated!!) sodas while I was at my mom's today. No wonder I had this burst of energy and inspiration!! Hmmm... kind of making the case for me to get right back on the soda train, huh? I had stopped to avoid the sugar and wasted calories, but part of me thinks it might be worth it for the extra energy! Oh no! Is this that slippery slope that they always warn us about? I am just not sure. More contemplation may be necessary...
Oh well, at least I got some cleaning done and wrote a(nother) blog post. Feeling pretty positive. Spring Break begins tomorrow with a trip to the doctors (for two of them) and then we all go to Knott's. Wish me luck, even though
I know I can do this.
After our Easter Sunday at church, we went to my Mom's for family time on Easter. Normally they don't really "do" Easter (I cannot remember the last time we got together for this holiday!) but I am guessing the Grandparents were welcoming an opportunity to invite the grandkids over (not for babysitting purposes...)
I love my family. I mean, I really love my family. We (particularly my brothers and I) are loud and passionate, enthusiastic and entertaining. There is always a lot of laughing. My mother is usually shushing us and my sisters-in-law are almost always rolling their eyes at their spouses talkative ways. We mock each other freely. I think family gatherings were more difficult with my ex. I had a greater tendency to judge others and to take their comments personally. As my testimony has grown, so has my confidence, and so has my love and appreciation for these wonderful people I get to call family!
I got home just after 8, and FINALLY got the kids all to bed by about 9. Rather than take advantage of the opportunity to get some sleep I decided it was a good time to straighten up in silence. Felt really good to make that decision! I straightened up the living room, moved furniture around, swept the floor, and eventually scrubbed the entire wood floor (living room, entry way, hallway.) After that, I swept the kitchen and made a large dent in the stack of dishes that were waiting for me. In the meantime I washed and dried two loads of laundry. As I was washing the dishes, I was reflecting on how nice it was to get some cleaning done - I was feeling so accomplished! What had inspired me to stay up later tonight to achieve these extra tasks? I wondered... Then it hit me. I drank 3 (caffeinated!!) sodas while I was at my mom's today. No wonder I had this burst of energy and inspiration!! Hmmm... kind of making the case for me to get right back on the soda train, huh? I had stopped to avoid the sugar and wasted calories, but part of me thinks it might be worth it for the extra energy! Oh no! Is this that slippery slope that they always warn us about? I am just not sure. More contemplation may be necessary...
Oh well, at least I got some cleaning done and wrote a(nother) blog post. Feeling pretty positive. Spring Break begins tomorrow with a trip to the doctors (for two of them) and then we all go to Knott's. Wish me luck, even though
I know I can do this.
Easter Sunday
I am an ex. I have an ex. What is it about exes that they are always jerks? I don't get it. I mean. I can even see how my ex sees me as a jerk, and I ACTIVELY TRY to be nice and supportive, despite the crap I am constantly being put through...
The gospel teaches us to forgive, and I can say that I have forgiven my ex-husband for the hurt he has caused me and my children. Unfortunately, once (or twice, or even three times) does not cut it when it comes to forgiveness. We have no choice on this matter.
" I, the Lord, will aforgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to bforgive all men."
Doctrine & Covenants 64:10
So, we must continue to forgive, just as we continue to hurt. Sometimes this is a daily process. As we kneel and ask for forgiveness from our Father in Heaven, we humbly offer forgiveness in our own hearts. Sometimes it is even more often. We forgive them. We forgive ourselves. We grow.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow and better myself. I'm grateful to have six children who are watching my every move. I'm grateful I can imperfectly show them what it means to live righteously. I'm grateful to see them learning.
We started in our new ward today. All seven of us sitting in the second row, being introduced to a congregation of about 100 and the conductor mentioned that there were clearly a lot of visitors today! I can't count the number of people who came up to welcome us, introduce themselves, take my number, give me theirs. I am overwhelmed by the support I felt in a ward that one of its members described to me as "not very welcoming." We were embraced with OPEN ARMS. Heavenly Father truly loves each and every one of us. I felt His Love today.
My favorite talks from conference...
Families Under Covenant
Only Upon the Principles of Righteousness
Teaching Our Children To Understand
I know I can do this.
The gospel teaches us to forgive, and I can say that I have forgiven my ex-husband for the hurt he has caused me and my children. Unfortunately, once (or twice, or even three times) does not cut it when it comes to forgiveness. We have no choice on this matter.
" I, the Lord, will aforgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to bforgive all men."
Doctrine & Covenants 64:10
So, we must continue to forgive, just as we continue to hurt. Sometimes this is a daily process. As we kneel and ask for forgiveness from our Father in Heaven, we humbly offer forgiveness in our own hearts. Sometimes it is even more often. We forgive them. We forgive ourselves. We grow.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow and better myself. I'm grateful to have six children who are watching my every move. I'm grateful I can imperfectly show them what it means to live righteously. I'm grateful to see them learning.
We started in our new ward today. All seven of us sitting in the second row, being introduced to a congregation of about 100 and the conductor mentioned that there were clearly a lot of visitors today! I can't count the number of people who came up to welcome us, introduce themselves, take my number, give me theirs. I am overwhelmed by the support I felt in a ward that one of its members described to me as "not very welcoming." We were embraced with OPEN ARMS. Heavenly Father truly loves each and every one of us. I felt His Love today.
My favorite talks from conference...
Families Under Covenant
Only Upon the Principles of Righteousness
Teaching Our Children To Understand
I know I can do this.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Logistics
Life is complicated. I'm not even talking about the emotional aspects of life. When you are caring for six kids, life is just logistically complicated. Here what my week looked like so far...
Monday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
Two biggers to school by 8am.
Get $5 in gas to last until Welfare deposits tomorrow.
Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Kindergartener to school at 10:10.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Pickup two biggers at 2:40. (because the bigger bigger skipped band, otherwise pickup would be at 4.)
Home to change clothes.
Basketball practice for two boys 4 to 5pm.
Home again - feed, bathe, pajama six kids.
Read and pray
Put kids to bed.
Tuesday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
Stop by bank on the way to school to withdraw Welfare $.
Stop by other bank to deposit $.
Two biggers to school by 8am.
Stop by Grandmas to pickup $check$ for school pictures.
Get $100.00 in gas.
Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Drop off picture money at Kindergartener's old school.
Kindergartener to school at 10:10.
Music and Movement with 2yearold 10:30 - 11:00.
Trip to Costco to kill time.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Pickup oldest boy at 2:40. (because the bigger bigger has Chorus and gets a ride with her teacher.)
Home. Homework.
3:30 - Friend drops off 2 kids for me to watch while her middle one does dance class.
5pm - Oldest boy and his friend to soccer practice (just for fun!) and trade for the "middle" who had dance.
Home again - feed, bathe, pajama six kids.
7:20 - spare kids get picked up.
Read and pray
Put kids to bed.
Wednesday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
One bigger to school by 8am. Bigger bigger staying home sick.
Drop Kindergartener with Grandma so she can babysit/take to school
Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Drop babies with Papa so that they can babysit during Mom's therapy.
Therapy in Irvine 10am.
Pickup babies at 11:30am.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Grandma calls and says she'll pick up oldest boy for early day at 1:40. (Yay!)
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Drive to Grandma's to pickup oldest boy and wait for twenty minutes before I get the call that Grandma is waiting at our house. Doh! Drive home.
Homework, clean-up, prep boys for basketball game.
Basketball game for two boys 5 to 6pm. (Wrestle children.)
Send 4 youngers home with Grandma for babysitting.
Take 2 biggers to Open House. 6:00 - 7:00. (an hour with my ex and his new wife. Hooray.)
To grandma's to pickup youngers. Feed the biggers. Leave at 7:45pm.
Home again - feed, bathe, pajama six kids.
Read and pray
Put kids to bed.
Thursday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
Two biggers to school by 8am.
Drop by friends to drop off homework he forgot at our house on Thursday.Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Home.
Clean up a bit, feed kids.
Try to prepare chore charts while 2 year old and one year old make messes and scream at kindergartener.
Kindergartener to school at 10:10.
Music and Movement with 2yearold 10:30 - 11:00.
Albertson's for groceries.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Pickup biggers at 2:40. (because thank goodness GATE Science is over.)
Home. Homework. Dinner. Cleaning. Baths. Beds...
OH MY GOODNESS!
Can't finish now... off to drop off...
I know I can do this.
Monday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
Two biggers to school by 8am.
Get $5 in gas to last until Welfare deposits tomorrow.
Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Kindergartener to school at 10:10.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Pickup two biggers at 2:40. (because the bigger bigger skipped band, otherwise pickup would be at 4.)
Home to change clothes.
Basketball practice for two boys 4 to 5pm.
Home again - feed, bathe, pajama six kids.
Read and pray
Put kids to bed.
Tuesday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
Stop by bank on the way to school to withdraw Welfare $.
Stop by other bank to deposit $.
Two biggers to school by 8am.
Stop by Grandmas to pickup $check$ for school pictures.
Get $100.00 in gas.
Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Drop off picture money at Kindergartener's old school.
Kindergartener to school at 10:10.
Music and Movement with 2yearold 10:30 - 11:00.
Trip to Costco to kill time.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Pickup oldest boy at 2:40. (because the bigger bigger has Chorus and gets a ride with her teacher.)
Home. Homework.
3:30 - Friend drops off 2 kids for me to watch while her middle one does dance class.
5pm - Oldest boy and his friend to soccer practice (just for fun!) and trade for the "middle" who had dance.
Home again - feed, bathe, pajama six kids.
7:20 - spare kids get picked up.
Read and pray
Put kids to bed.
Wednesday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
One bigger to school by 8am. Bigger bigger staying home sick.
Drop Kindergartener with Grandma so she can babysit/take to school
Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Drop babies with Papa so that they can babysit during Mom's therapy.
Therapy in Irvine 10am.
Pickup babies at 11:30am.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Grandma calls and says she'll pick up oldest boy for early day at 1:40. (Yay!)
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Drive to Grandma's to pickup oldest boy and wait for twenty minutes before I get the call that Grandma is waiting at our house. Doh! Drive home.
Homework, clean-up, prep boys for basketball game.
Basketball game for two boys 5 to 6pm. (Wrestle children.)
Send 4 youngers home with Grandma for babysitting.
Take 2 biggers to Open House. 6:00 - 7:00. (an hour with my ex and his new wife. Hooray.)
To grandma's to pickup youngers. Feed the biggers. Leave at 7:45pm.
Home again - feed, bathe, pajama six kids.
Read and pray
Put kids to bed.
Thursday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
Two biggers to school by 8am.
Drop by friends to drop off homework he forgot at our house on Thursday.Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Home.
Clean up a bit, feed kids.
Try to prepare chore charts while 2 year old and one year old make messes and scream at kindergartener.
Kindergartener to school at 10:10.
Music and Movement with 2yearold 10:30 - 11:00.
Albertson's for groceries.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Pickup biggers at 2:40. (because thank goodness GATE Science is over.)
Home. Homework. Dinner. Cleaning. Baths. Beds...
OH MY GOODNESS!
Can't finish now... off to drop off...
I know I can do this.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Ten Minutes of Testimony
"You are a self-righteous, pompous ass who has had a testimony for 10
minutes and wants to preach her 'understanding' of the gospel for all to
hear."
This is a quote from a letter I received on Friday.
I am a person who respects and appreciates the truth in all things. Now, clearly, saying that I have only had a testimony for ten minutes is a complete EXAGGERATION OF THE TRUTH, but, fortunately, I also have an appreciation for exaggeration. So, I will admit that this statement is mostly true. I can absolutely be self-righteous (to everyone I have ever met.) I am certainly pompous (mostly just to my ex and his wife) - although I would not consider myself to be an ass. What I would like to focus on in this post, however, is the latter part of that statement... My testimony and my "preaching."
I am a person who respects and appreciates the truth in all things. Now, clearly, saying that I have only had a testimony for ten minutes is a complete EXAGGERATION OF THE TRUTH, but, fortunately, I also have an appreciation for exaggeration. So, I will admit that this statement is mostly true. I can absolutely be self-righteous (to everyone I have ever met.) I am certainly pompous (mostly just to my ex and his wife) - although I would not consider myself to be an ass. What I would like to focus on in this post, however, is the latter part of that statement... My testimony and my "preaching."
While I wouldn't say that my testimony was absent all of these years, I do admit that it has been strengthened immensely since my husband left me. I joined the church in May, 1999. I was barely 23 years old, and I married my husband 5 months later. I had immaturity and insecurity galore at that point. I believe that the insecurities I suffered led me to (too) quickly marry a man who I perceived to be "better" than me (in a moral and spiritual sense) and who I allowed to lead me spiritually, to my own detriment. Any strength of testimony I had as a "golden investigator" was lost the moment I married. My testimony became completely reliant upon him and upon my relationship. A later portion of that letter described me as "a miserable, frustrated, unhappy person who seeks her self-worth from
outside, or at least used to, rather than seeing herself as a daughter
of God who is loved and capable of anything and doesn't need a man or
his money to give her worth." Ah, the sad sad truth of what I was. I definitely am not those things now, but that is undeniably the woman who I was for all 12 years of my marriage. Does this person think that pointing out that truth is going to somehow hurt me? I am OVER being hurt by the truth. I am hurt by the lies!!
I love the strength of the words "had a testimony for 10 minutes." I do understand that it is intended as an insult, but its truthfulness envelopes me. I embrace it. My testimony TRULY came into its own September of 2010; it was much less powerful before that point. I wonder, however, does a shorter timeline somehow diminish or discount the potency or the integrity of the testimony I bare? Does my desire to share it with all who will listen hurt those around me? I would argue it does not.
When I woke up and began my day on Saturday, September 25, 2010, it was a normal day. My (then still, but separated) husband had the children, so I slept in. I was pregnant with our sixth child. Around ten AM I began to receive promptings from the Spirit. I began to feel a sorrow I could not explain, nor could I describe. Before our separation, I had cheated on my husband. You (or he) could easily argue that my infidelity was repeated, both emotional and physical, so for simplicity sake I will leave it at that. I had fully confessed my sin to Bishop and spouse with the intention of working things out, but when that became too difficult, we separated at the end of June/early July. This day, my pain was suddenly overwhelming. I was experiencing the sadness that my actions had caused! Not just my sexual sin, but the many, many choices I had made over the years separating my heart from Heavenly Father and from my husband and family. My priorities had been so skewed! I felt my heart breaking. I felt a calling (an inspiration?) that our family was on the path to destruction, and that I needed to do everything in my power to prevent it. I received testimony and visions of the plan of happiness, the blessings of the temple, eternal exaltation and forever families. I had finally entered my repentance. I wept, and wept, and wept.
Since the next day was fast Sunday, and I was pregnant (therefore, not fasting,) I immediately began calling every faithful church-goer I knew asking them to fast for me and my husband and my family. I called families from the Ward we had recently left, families from our past, even my father in-law, sincerely begging them to pray and fast for our family. I called my husband, texted him, begged him to listen to me. What began that day is a long story that ends with my divorce, his remarriage and her pregnancy. I could go on and on about all of my many realizations over that time, but it does not serve much of a purpose here. Despite what I unquestionably KNEW about Heavenly Father's desire for us to rectify what we had broken, my husband had already moved on. I realize now that his heart had already hardened to me and to our eternal companionship.
My heart, however, had permanently changed. A true miracle had occurred. I have an abundance of journal entries, text messages, and emails chronicling my experience. Although I do go back to them, I know now that my testimony continues to grow and that today, it is (in a way) its own entity beyond that humble beginning (haha.) In a discussion with a friend today, it was brought up that perhaps we have two distinct testimonies. One is our "conversion" to the gospel (or our decision to be "saved" by Christ.) For me, this happened in 1999 when I decided to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and subsequently get married. The other happens the moment we realize how God sees us and what our true purpose is in this life. My day of repentance eighteen months ago was the day I saw myself and my life through my Savior's eyes. I saw exactly what I needed to do to accomplish what He sees in me. I felt the divine, eternal importance of my calling as Mother to six truly amazing children.
From that day forward, I fought for my family, my marriage, my husband until the bitter end. I believe now that I maintained my hope for some sort of reconciliation up until the day (two weeks ago) I learned that my ex-husband's wife (of 4 months today) was 3 months pregnant. I realized then that what Heavenly Father showed me we could have was not ever going to be. The father of my six children has moved on and needs to commit himself fully to his new wife and child. I continue to have a responsibility to these children to be and do my best in all things. My testimony sustains me, and my family.
I now have no doubt that I understand the gospel of Jesus Christ, His plan for us, His expectations of us and His hope for our eternal destinies. My understanding has been confirmed by the Spirit, by revelation, by Church members and by Church leaders. My life is in order - my children are my number one priority. Every decision I make every single day is made solely in the context of what is best for them.
I DO NOT know how I am going to do this. How does one raise six kids as a single mom? Clearly it can only be done well, done right, with the Love of God, & the Support of Family, Friends, and the Church. The Love and Support I've already received for my little (big) family is overwhelming!
So, I will take my Ten Minute Testimony, any day. I'll take it over the sad fantasy of living in denial and over the pathetic rationalization of setting sinful examples. True Testimony, whether ten minutes or more, is the most wonderful and amazing thing I have ever experienced. It is STRONG; it is POWERFUL, and, perhaps most importantly, it is TRUE! I learn more every day and become better with each new understanding. I share my knowledge, my faith, my experience because it strengthens me and it strengthens others.
With God and Jesus Christ, I know I can do this.
When I woke up and began my day on Saturday, September 25, 2010, it was a normal day. My (then still, but separated) husband had the children, so I slept in. I was pregnant with our sixth child. Around ten AM I began to receive promptings from the Spirit. I began to feel a sorrow I could not explain, nor could I describe. Before our separation, I had cheated on my husband. You (or he) could easily argue that my infidelity was repeated, both emotional and physical, so for simplicity sake I will leave it at that. I had fully confessed my sin to Bishop and spouse with the intention of working things out, but when that became too difficult, we separated at the end of June/early July. This day, my pain was suddenly overwhelming. I was experiencing the sadness that my actions had caused! Not just my sexual sin, but the many, many choices I had made over the years separating my heart from Heavenly Father and from my husband and family. My priorities had been so skewed! I felt my heart breaking. I felt a calling (an inspiration?) that our family was on the path to destruction, and that I needed to do everything in my power to prevent it. I received testimony and visions of the plan of happiness, the blessings of the temple, eternal exaltation and forever families. I had finally entered my repentance. I wept, and wept, and wept.
Since the next day was fast Sunday, and I was pregnant (therefore, not fasting,) I immediately began calling every faithful church-goer I knew asking them to fast for me and my husband and my family. I called families from the Ward we had recently left, families from our past, even my father in-law, sincerely begging them to pray and fast for our family. I called my husband, texted him, begged him to listen to me. What began that day is a long story that ends with my divorce, his remarriage and her pregnancy. I could go on and on about all of my many realizations over that time, but it does not serve much of a purpose here. Despite what I unquestionably KNEW about Heavenly Father's desire for us to rectify what we had broken, my husband had already moved on. I realize now that his heart had already hardened to me and to our eternal companionship.
My heart, however, had permanently changed. A true miracle had occurred. I have an abundance of journal entries, text messages, and emails chronicling my experience. Although I do go back to them, I know now that my testimony continues to grow and that today, it is (in a way) its own entity beyond that humble beginning (haha.) In a discussion with a friend today, it was brought up that perhaps we have two distinct testimonies. One is our "conversion" to the gospel (or our decision to be "saved" by Christ.) For me, this happened in 1999 when I decided to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and subsequently get married. The other happens the moment we realize how God sees us and what our true purpose is in this life. My day of repentance eighteen months ago was the day I saw myself and my life through my Savior's eyes. I saw exactly what I needed to do to accomplish what He sees in me. I felt the divine, eternal importance of my calling as Mother to six truly amazing children.
From that day forward, I fought for my family, my marriage, my husband until the bitter end. I believe now that I maintained my hope for some sort of reconciliation up until the day (two weeks ago) I learned that my ex-husband's wife (of 4 months today) was 3 months pregnant. I realized then that what Heavenly Father showed me we could have was not ever going to be. The father of my six children has moved on and needs to commit himself fully to his new wife and child. I continue to have a responsibility to these children to be and do my best in all things. My testimony sustains me, and my family.
I now have no doubt that I understand the gospel of Jesus Christ, His plan for us, His expectations of us and His hope for our eternal destinies. My understanding has been confirmed by the Spirit, by revelation, by Church members and by Church leaders. My life is in order - my children are my number one priority. Every decision I make every single day is made solely in the context of what is best for them.
I DO NOT know how I am going to do this. How does one raise six kids as a single mom? Clearly it can only be done well, done right, with the Love of God, & the Support of Family, Friends, and the Church. The Love and Support I've already received for my little (big) family is overwhelming!
So, I will take my Ten Minute Testimony, any day. I'll take it over the sad fantasy of living in denial and over the pathetic rationalization of setting sinful examples. True Testimony, whether ten minutes or more, is the most wonderful and amazing thing I have ever experienced. It is STRONG; it is POWERFUL, and, perhaps most importantly, it is TRUE! I learn more every day and become better with each new understanding. I share my knowledge, my faith, my experience because it strengthens me and it strengthens others.
With God and Jesus Christ, I know I can do this.
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