"You are a self-righteous, pompous ass who has had a testimony for 10
minutes and wants to preach her 'understanding' of the gospel for all to
hear."
This is a quote from a letter I received on Friday.
I am a person who respects and appreciates the truth in all things. Now, clearly, saying that I have only had a testimony for ten minutes is a complete EXAGGERATION OF THE TRUTH, but, fortunately, I also have an appreciation for exaggeration. So, I will admit that this statement is mostly true. I can absolutely be self-righteous (to everyone I have ever met.) I am certainly pompous (mostly just to my ex and his wife) - although I would not consider myself to be an ass. What I would like to focus on in this post, however, is the latter part of that statement... My testimony and my "preaching."
I am a person who respects and appreciates the truth in all things. Now, clearly, saying that I have only had a testimony for ten minutes is a complete EXAGGERATION OF THE TRUTH, but, fortunately, I also have an appreciation for exaggeration. So, I will admit that this statement is mostly true. I can absolutely be self-righteous (to everyone I have ever met.) I am certainly pompous (mostly just to my ex and his wife) - although I would not consider myself to be an ass. What I would like to focus on in this post, however, is the latter part of that statement... My testimony and my "preaching."
While I wouldn't say that my testimony was absent all of these years, I do admit that it has been strengthened immensely since my husband left me. I joined the church in May, 1999. I was barely 23 years old, and I married my husband 5 months later. I had immaturity and insecurity galore at that point. I believe that the insecurities I suffered led me to (too) quickly marry a man who I perceived to be "better" than me (in a moral and spiritual sense) and who I allowed to lead me spiritually, to my own detriment. Any strength of testimony I had as a "golden investigator" was lost the moment I married. My testimony became completely reliant upon him and upon my relationship. A later portion of that letter described me as "a miserable, frustrated, unhappy person who seeks her self-worth from
outside, or at least used to, rather than seeing herself as a daughter
of God who is loved and capable of anything and doesn't need a man or
his money to give her worth." Ah, the sad sad truth of what I was. I definitely am not those things now, but that is undeniably the woman who I was for all 12 years of my marriage. Does this person think that pointing out that truth is going to somehow hurt me? I am OVER being hurt by the truth. I am hurt by the lies!!
I love the strength of the words "had a testimony for 10 minutes." I do understand that it is intended as an insult, but its truthfulness envelopes me. I embrace it. My testimony TRULY came into its own September of 2010; it was much less powerful before that point. I wonder, however, does a shorter timeline somehow diminish or discount the potency or the integrity of the testimony I bare? Does my desire to share it with all who will listen hurt those around me? I would argue it does not.
When I woke up and began my day on Saturday, September 25, 2010, it was a normal day. My (then still, but separated) husband had the children, so I slept in. I was pregnant with our sixth child. Around ten AM I began to receive promptings from the Spirit. I began to feel a sorrow I could not explain, nor could I describe. Before our separation, I had cheated on my husband. You (or he) could easily argue that my infidelity was repeated, both emotional and physical, so for simplicity sake I will leave it at that. I had fully confessed my sin to Bishop and spouse with the intention of working things out, but when that became too difficult, we separated at the end of June/early July. This day, my pain was suddenly overwhelming. I was experiencing the sadness that my actions had caused! Not just my sexual sin, but the many, many choices I had made over the years separating my heart from Heavenly Father and from my husband and family. My priorities had been so skewed! I felt my heart breaking. I felt a calling (an inspiration?) that our family was on the path to destruction, and that I needed to do everything in my power to prevent it. I received testimony and visions of the plan of happiness, the blessings of the temple, eternal exaltation and forever families. I had finally entered my repentance. I wept, and wept, and wept.
Since the next day was fast Sunday, and I was pregnant (therefore, not fasting,) I immediately began calling every faithful church-goer I knew asking them to fast for me and my husband and my family. I called families from the Ward we had recently left, families from our past, even my father in-law, sincerely begging them to pray and fast for our family. I called my husband, texted him, begged him to listen to me. What began that day is a long story that ends with my divorce, his remarriage and her pregnancy. I could go on and on about all of my many realizations over that time, but it does not serve much of a purpose here. Despite what I unquestionably KNEW about Heavenly Father's desire for us to rectify what we had broken, my husband had already moved on. I realize now that his heart had already hardened to me and to our eternal companionship.
My heart, however, had permanently changed. A true miracle had occurred. I have an abundance of journal entries, text messages, and emails chronicling my experience. Although I do go back to them, I know now that my testimony continues to grow and that today, it is (in a way) its own entity beyond that humble beginning (haha.) In a discussion with a friend today, it was brought up that perhaps we have two distinct testimonies. One is our "conversion" to the gospel (or our decision to be "saved" by Christ.) For me, this happened in 1999 when I decided to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and subsequently get married. The other happens the moment we realize how God sees us and what our true purpose is in this life. My day of repentance eighteen months ago was the day I saw myself and my life through my Savior's eyes. I saw exactly what I needed to do to accomplish what He sees in me. I felt the divine, eternal importance of my calling as Mother to six truly amazing children.
From that day forward, I fought for my family, my marriage, my husband until the bitter end. I believe now that I maintained my hope for some sort of reconciliation up until the day (two weeks ago) I learned that my ex-husband's wife (of 4 months today) was 3 months pregnant. I realized then that what Heavenly Father showed me we could have was not ever going to be. The father of my six children has moved on and needs to commit himself fully to his new wife and child. I continue to have a responsibility to these children to be and do my best in all things. My testimony sustains me, and my family.
I now have no doubt that I understand the gospel of Jesus Christ, His plan for us, His expectations of us and His hope for our eternal destinies. My understanding has been confirmed by the Spirit, by revelation, by Church members and by Church leaders. My life is in order - my children are my number one priority. Every decision I make every single day is made solely in the context of what is best for them.
I DO NOT know how I am going to do this. How does one raise six kids as a single mom? Clearly it can only be done well, done right, with the Love of God, & the Support of Family, Friends, and the Church. The Love and Support I've already received for my little (big) family is overwhelming!
So, I will take my Ten Minute Testimony, any day. I'll take it over the sad fantasy of living in denial and over the pathetic rationalization of setting sinful examples. True Testimony, whether ten minutes or more, is the most wonderful and amazing thing I have ever experienced. It is STRONG; it is POWERFUL, and, perhaps most importantly, it is TRUE! I learn more every day and become better with each new understanding. I share my knowledge, my faith, my experience because it strengthens me and it strengthens others.
With God and Jesus Christ, I know I can do this.
When I woke up and began my day on Saturday, September 25, 2010, it was a normal day. My (then still, but separated) husband had the children, so I slept in. I was pregnant with our sixth child. Around ten AM I began to receive promptings from the Spirit. I began to feel a sorrow I could not explain, nor could I describe. Before our separation, I had cheated on my husband. You (or he) could easily argue that my infidelity was repeated, both emotional and physical, so for simplicity sake I will leave it at that. I had fully confessed my sin to Bishop and spouse with the intention of working things out, but when that became too difficult, we separated at the end of June/early July. This day, my pain was suddenly overwhelming. I was experiencing the sadness that my actions had caused! Not just my sexual sin, but the many, many choices I had made over the years separating my heart from Heavenly Father and from my husband and family. My priorities had been so skewed! I felt my heart breaking. I felt a calling (an inspiration?) that our family was on the path to destruction, and that I needed to do everything in my power to prevent it. I received testimony and visions of the plan of happiness, the blessings of the temple, eternal exaltation and forever families. I had finally entered my repentance. I wept, and wept, and wept.
Since the next day was fast Sunday, and I was pregnant (therefore, not fasting,) I immediately began calling every faithful church-goer I knew asking them to fast for me and my husband and my family. I called families from the Ward we had recently left, families from our past, even my father in-law, sincerely begging them to pray and fast for our family. I called my husband, texted him, begged him to listen to me. What began that day is a long story that ends with my divorce, his remarriage and her pregnancy. I could go on and on about all of my many realizations over that time, but it does not serve much of a purpose here. Despite what I unquestionably KNEW about Heavenly Father's desire for us to rectify what we had broken, my husband had already moved on. I realize now that his heart had already hardened to me and to our eternal companionship.
My heart, however, had permanently changed. A true miracle had occurred. I have an abundance of journal entries, text messages, and emails chronicling my experience. Although I do go back to them, I know now that my testimony continues to grow and that today, it is (in a way) its own entity beyond that humble beginning (haha.) In a discussion with a friend today, it was brought up that perhaps we have two distinct testimonies. One is our "conversion" to the gospel (or our decision to be "saved" by Christ.) For me, this happened in 1999 when I decided to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and subsequently get married. The other happens the moment we realize how God sees us and what our true purpose is in this life. My day of repentance eighteen months ago was the day I saw myself and my life through my Savior's eyes. I saw exactly what I needed to do to accomplish what He sees in me. I felt the divine, eternal importance of my calling as Mother to six truly amazing children.
From that day forward, I fought for my family, my marriage, my husband until the bitter end. I believe now that I maintained my hope for some sort of reconciliation up until the day (two weeks ago) I learned that my ex-husband's wife (of 4 months today) was 3 months pregnant. I realized then that what Heavenly Father showed me we could have was not ever going to be. The father of my six children has moved on and needs to commit himself fully to his new wife and child. I continue to have a responsibility to these children to be and do my best in all things. My testimony sustains me, and my family.
I now have no doubt that I understand the gospel of Jesus Christ, His plan for us, His expectations of us and His hope for our eternal destinies. My understanding has been confirmed by the Spirit, by revelation, by Church members and by Church leaders. My life is in order - my children are my number one priority. Every decision I make every single day is made solely in the context of what is best for them.
I DO NOT know how I am going to do this. How does one raise six kids as a single mom? Clearly it can only be done well, done right, with the Love of God, & the Support of Family, Friends, and the Church. The Love and Support I've already received for my little (big) family is overwhelming!
So, I will take my Ten Minute Testimony, any day. I'll take it over the sad fantasy of living in denial and over the pathetic rationalization of setting sinful examples. True Testimony, whether ten minutes or more, is the most wonderful and amazing thing I have ever experienced. It is STRONG; it is POWERFUL, and, perhaps most importantly, it is TRUE! I learn more every day and become better with each new understanding. I share my knowledge, my faith, my experience because it strengthens me and it strengthens others.
With God and Jesus Christ, I know I can do this.
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