Overwhelmed

Some days are harder than others.  It has been a wonderful Spring Break, but it has also been a long one.  Multiple doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, and a few FUN days at Knott's Berry Farm got us through.  I am overwhelmed and exhausted and just about ready to head into a new week.  Only two more months of school before summer break...

I am being suffocated by feelings of not enough lately.  Try as I might, I feel completely incapable of getting or keeping my house clean.  I can spend three hours straightening and sweeping and scrubbing and in just 5 minutes it can be a wreck again.  And it isn't that the children are being overly messy or disrespectful, they are just being children.  They have to eat, don't they?  And I had to take the time to prepare the meal, but now it will take twice as long to clean up after the meal.  Dishes, table, floor.  Not to mention the actual child and their chair.  I do not mean to complain, I am just tired.

To top it off, I am constantly being told that more needs to be done.  The kids rooms HAVE TO be clean, all of the time.  The laundry CANNOT pile up on the couch.  Even when I am working at full capacity, constantly, I cannot accomplish all that needs to be done.  Even if I were to ignore the emotional needs, the cuddles, the attention that my children need, I STILL could not accomplish all that needs to be done.  And I am continuously being reminded of all the ways I must still improve.

I need to figure out how to keep the house clean.  I need to figure out how to make the money last ($1000 per month from the state since we're still waiting on child support.)  I need to keep the clothes washed, dried, folded and put away.  I need to keep the yard straight.  I need to unpack boxes in the garage, and set up laundry and play areas.  I need to meet the needs of six challenging children - aged 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, and 1 - every single day.  I need to feed them, wash them, clothe them.  I need to scold them, encourage them, listen to them, discipline them.  I need to stay sane.  I need to get over the hurt and disappointment and discouragement from the failure of my marriage.  I need to forget my ex-husband and his new wife and all their "happiness" and their new baby, even though those things are an integral part of my children's life.  We separated less than two years ago.  We've been divorced less than six months.  I need to remind myself that I'm doing okay, because I am being told over and over how much more I need to be doing, how I need to suck it up, how I should just figure it out.

This week, out of desperation, I drank one of those 5 hour energy drinks in an attempt to have the ability to do and BE more.  I ended up sleeping only 2 hours in that 24 hour period.  I accomplished a lot, but, by the next morning, I was pretty much where I had started - with just as much cleaning and caring and work to do. I have honestly considered (but, no I haven't tried) every "pharmaceutical" option I could think of to overcome my inadequacies.  I really, honestly do not know how to do this.  And how do I try to figure out a "job" on top of everything else?  I need income.  I am so scared.  I am worried about myself; I am worried about my kids; I get nothing but contempt from my ex and his wife, even when I BEG them for cooperation. 

I know I have a ton of support from family and friends, but still I feel afraid and alone.