Court - Modification Hearing

What a long day.

I had to report to the Orange County Superior Court today for my child support modification hearing.  After learning approximately how much money Rick was making (back in October) DCSS filed a modification request on my behalf.  Since then, Rick told me he was "laid off" and (didn't tell me that he) subsequently went onto "Family Medical Leave" via the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA.) For Rick, this meant paid time off because of the baby his wife had in September.  How nice for him.  The DCSS began receiving the garnishments from his FMLA earnings last week (except they read as disability payments) and here we are.  So when I arrive and speak to the DCSS Legal Dept rep, she tells me that his FMLA benefit is supposed to be ending yesterday (no verification) and he is claiming NO INCOME.  Oh my.  What a blindside.  "Do you want to just keep the amount the same?" she says. My response was "No.  I would really like to get him in front of a judge."  Even though I was taking the risk that the judge would lower the monthly amount, I knew I had to make my case visible for the future.  I knew that (regardless what happened) the likelihood is that Rick is NOT going to pay whatever amount is being ordered.  At least if we were to see a judge today, the ball would be rolling.  I could always go back once he gets a job.  And he will get a job.  He always does, eventually.

So, I was frustrated and stressed out and angry...  So I went to the Block to eat some lunch and calm down during my two hour break.  Of course I see Rick there, pushing the baby stroller.  Then I head directly to the bathroom - and end up seeing his wife and her daughter there.  Oh my.  I bit my tongue.  I was so annoyed.  "I hope you're proud of yourself!" I thought "Trying to get out of supporting these six kids!"  But I said nothing.  No eye contact.  Nothing.  They left immediately, I'm pretty sure she skipped the drying her hands step as soon as she saw me.  Lol.

During lunch I just tried to calm down.  I talked on the phone a bit and tried to organize my thoughts into the points I wanted made.  I scribbled notes and ate a sandwich.  It worked.  I was definitely more calm.

Sitting in front of the judge was nerve-racking.  I tried to keep my mouth shut.  Only speak when spoken to.  Answer questions when you are asked.  (Honestly, I was a bit unsuccessful.  At the end the DCSS lawyer had to tell me "I didn't ask a question."  Ooooooops!)  Anyway, most of the points that I wanted to get in, got in.  And finally, the judge made her order - $2388.  WHAT?  That's AWESOME!  She set the amount based on his FMLA, which is lower than his potential income, so if he goes back to work, we can go back for another modification.  Of course, right now, all that really means is that the amount he ISN'T paying will go up, effective November 1.  Hopefully he goes back to work soon.

*Needs*

100% openness and honesty
Stability - emotional
Stability - financial
Discipline
Respect for me/my children
Respect for the relationship
Self-confidence/esteem
Maturity
Independence
Love
Commitment - willingness and desire to commit
Safe with children
Loving to children
Wants children, enjoys children

Life is Hard

I haven't posted to this blog in about 19 months.  My last post ended with the sentiment above, and I thought it appropriate to use it as my title today.

So much has happened since Rick moved, that I'm not sure exactly where to start or how to process it all.

Belief

No, I don't believe in marriage any more. 

I believe in people making it work.  I believe in commitment.  And I believe in love. 

There is no question, that I believe in love. 

But marriage is a story.  I guess my marriage was a story, and not a very happy one.  Sadly, my marriage story includes divorce (the saddest thing of all) and trying to navigate parenting with someone l hate.  Because, let's be honest, for the MOST part, we hate our exes. 

I don't hate my ex for who he is.  I hate my ex for what he does - STILL -  to my kids.  I hate that he got married (in general) and that he married an abusive woman (in particular.) I hate that he had two more children (so far) and I hate to watch my children hurt.  I hate that he keeps leaving them, over and over.

Last week, my ex told me he is moving to Virginia.  The movers arrive at their home on May 28th.

So many mixed emotions, because I honestly believe they are better off without their father.  He has proven his priorities. Except, he will always be their father, and they will always long for love, acceptance, acknowledgement, appreciation from him. With him across the country, they will have no outlet to come to terms with the reality of their father, because he will be gone.  I get to pursue therapy, attempt to interpret behavior, and repeatedly validate emotions without any help, respect, or recognition from my ex. And still I will fall short and they will suffer.  Abandonment is very real for children.  He should know.

I think my ex's mom (and absent father too) was a narcissist.  I honestly believe this based on my research and absolutely no professional education or designation on the matter whatsoever.  And I believe he married a woman who is just as bad, but different, the second time. She is the center of that universe.  The kids are just an extension of the adults in that family. As they get older, and start having thoughts & feelings of their own, they outgrow their usefulness.  Even worse, they are accused of purposeful, hurtful mistreatment of their stepmother.  "We only fight when you guys are here."  "We don't want you to come visit if you just want to hurt me."  "News flash. Adults have feelings too!"

NEWS FLASH.  Your feelings are not the children's responsibility (or their fault.)

I LOVE THESE STINKING KIDS!

Life is hard.

exMo announcement

I am not Mormon any more.

Now, I know that every active member who reads this will smugly think that I have lost the Spirit, lost my testimony, and have been led astray by the Adversary.  I get it.  I thought those things too.  I made those judgments alongside my fellow Mormons for many years.

I should clarify that I have not resigned (written a formal letter requesting that my name be removed from Church records.)  Technically, according to "THEM" I am still a member.  Maybe inactive, but I'm still a member.  Despite the fact that I do not have any plans to write that letter, I no longer believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to be true.  As a matter of fact, I do not believe any church to be true.  I no longer believe in God.

I am not angry at God.  If there were a God, I am clearly quite "blessed" by that deity.  I have family, friends, love, etc.  I have survived tough trials.  I recognize the wonderful positives in my life.  I just do not believe there is any one "up there" controlling it all.

My reasons are my own, based on my study, my personal research, my open mind.  If you care to know more, then you are free to contact me directly.  I don't find it necessary to defend my decision.  I just want to be very clear about where I stand today.

If you read my blog up to this point you will know how faithful I was.  You know that I truly believed in all of it (hook, line, sinker!)  Faith was comforting.  OH SO COMFORTING.  It is actually very difficult to be a person of faith and then become an atheist.  What do you fall back on?  How do you prioritize?  What, then, becomes the meaning of life?  Yet, here I am.  I just don't believe anymore, but I still value life, love, service.

I am still (always) a mother to six amazing kids.  Still a strong, confident, beautiful, intelligent, passionate woman.  Just not a "woman of faith."  Not anymore.

38

Feels like forever since I've written anything.  Today is my birthday.  I am 38.


I had a wonderful weekend with the kids.  Craziness abounds in my life, and I have lost my "back-up" babysitter.  My mom (who normally watches the kids while I'm working) had to go out of town last week, so I ended up taking Thursday and Friday off of work to stay home. After just a year of working, I can hardly believe I got to stay at home with them for ten years.  I thoroughly enjoyed the past few days with them.  I love my children more than ever.  The mini-vacation prepped us for the long weekend, despite not having received my child support payment for last week. (The payments have been coming consistently for about two months now, so I was shocked and disappointed when nothing arrived.)  Let me assure you, however, that $6.47 in the bank account was not going to prevent me from enjoying five straight days at home with my kids.  A fun, relaxing, productive weekend was topped off yesterday with a trip to the park and some Boston cream cake complete with strawberries (Thanks, Brian!)  I didn't have to cook dinner (Thanks again, Brian!) and the children all went to sleep at a reasonable hour.

Today, my sweet co-worker treated me to lunch for my birthday.  She was very generous and provided a much-needed listening ear for my current drama.  For once I am not causing it myself.  For once, I feel separate from it - above it, beside it, whatever.  I do not feel consumed or confused.

My ex has decided it is time to start a public attack on me as a mother. He has involved law enforcement and County Social Services. Let's be clear, he has always been very vocal about his feelings/opinions toward me.  I have never, under any other circumstances, been the recipient of such spite and negativity.  His feelings are nothing new. Recently, however, something came up which he felt gave him an "in" to start this fiasco.  Honestly, my children (and their wonderful amazingness) should be evidence enough that I am doing something right.  However, there are two people (on the planet) who actually believe that I am a terrible mother who does not deserve to have these kids in my care.  Those two have begun their crusade.

The details are not important.  The only important fact in this situation is that I know, finally, without question, with conviction, that I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE.  I have had my crazy moments.  I have made bad choices, and done bad things.  I have, however, ALWAYS, taken care of my children.  I have always put their needs above everything else.  I love them with every ounce of energy in my body.  I am confident in my knowledge and ability as a mother, and nothing (AND NO ONE) will ever diminish that in me.  For that reason, it does not matter what anyone says or does to try to attack my family. Bring on your best.  I am not worried.  I am doing a damn good job.

So, I reflect, as I enter my 39th year...
I do not feel 38, but somehow I must be.
It has taken me this long to learn:
wisdom
maturity
patience
unconditional love
self love
acceptance

I know now I could not have become this person without all 38 of those years refining me.  And just think of the refining yet to be done.  I am a work in progress, but I am proud of what I have done - I am proud of who I am today.

Grateful for all of the support I get that reminds me...
Every day,
I can do this.

love

I haven't written in a while.  Life has been insanely busy, and I can't really see it letting up any time soon.  Work has officially gone to full time, and the kids are in school and we've moved into our own apartment.  That means rent and bills and no safety net.  Child support continues to be inconsistent, so money is stressful.  Work is good, though, so I've got that.

The kids have been with Rick this weekend.  I've decided not to do much.  Ran a few errands yesterday, but really just trying to relax.  I'm sitting on the couch watching "The Object of My Affection" on TV.  Trying not to look too closely at the piles of laundry or the floor that needs to be scrubbed.  I've been thinking a lot about love lately.  Thinking about my life and experience.

I think that once you've been married, your experience doesn't go back any further than that relationship.  Was it a bad relationship?  Yes, and no.  There was love there.  For sure.  There was happiness, and misery.  Neither of us were perfect.  I still believe we could have salvaged that relationship, nourished the love, kept our family together.  That didn't work out for us.  I'm glad it didn't.  I am very happy to NOT be married to him any more.  His current behavior solidifies that feeling on a pretty regular basis.

After Rick there was Brian, and that was love too.  Two years of growth and learning.  So many experiences.  I developed self-knowledge and self-love that I had never had before.  Was it a bad relationship?  No, and yes.  It just wasn't right - for the long run.

And maybe that is true of this current guy.  The one who just isn't sure.  The one where we've committed to each other (there's no one else,) but he doesn't want to commit to any sort of future.  My kids like him.  I'm in love with him. But he just isn't sure.  And so, on again-off again has become off again, again. How do I settle for having the one I love in my life, only when it is convenient for him?  That is definitely the struggle with this life.  Six kids are a lot to take on.  But you have to take it all.  The good with the bad.  I don't want to do the hard days alone and then get to spend some time with my love.  I want to love ALL OF THE TIME.  It is just who I am.

Things my daughter is learning.

The other night, Hattie and I were straightening up the kitchen after the rest of the kids had gone to bed.  Earlier, Brian had loaded the dishwasher, but not started it (one of my pet peeves.)  As I was loading it with soap and turning the dial, I asked Hattie...  "What should we say to Brian when he loads the dishwasher differently than I would do it?  And then he doesn't bother to start it running...?"  She thought a bit and said "You did it wrong."  I smiled at her and responded, "No.  We should say 'Thank you.'  Even if he didn't do it the way I expected him to, he still was trying to help me/us, and I am grateful."   We talked a little more about it, and I felt the message was strongly sent.  I explained to her that was one of the many things her dad and I both did wrong in our first marriage - being overly critical of one another, and being under appreciative.  Wow, what a wonderful opportunity for an important lesson. 

Hattie has been really struggling the past week or so.  Emotionally, she is a bit of a wreck.  I am not sure why.  I believe it has something to do with some trouble at school (missing assignments) but I also know she is dealing with some upset feelings toward her dad.  Last night, as I tucked her in, she expressed some of her disappointment to me (on a very limited scale) and I suggested to her that she talk to her dad about her feelings.  "I don't know how," is always her response to my suggestion.  I reminded her that when she is upset with me, she doesn't have any trouble telling me.  When she is upset with Brian, she usually confronts him as well - she admitted that her confrontations with Brian are often with a bad attitude, but that wasn't my focus here.  I asked her what I do, and what Brian does, how we respond, when she lets us know how she feels.  "You apologize."  Hmmm.....  "Does Brian apologize?"  "Yes."  "Even when you are being snotty about it?"  "Yes, usually."

Now, what will happen when (if) she tells her dad how she feels?  I can't say 100%, but I can certainly guess based on my experience.  If she communicates her disappointment at (for example) her Dad not coming to the father-daughter dance at school, then he will likely remind her that she knows he loves her.  He will tell her his (often valid) reasons for having caused the disappointment.  He will (most likely) offer someone else to blame (MOM, his work, etc.)  However, does it really matter what he says to her?  No, it absolutely doesn't.  What matters is that she is comfortable enough with, aware enough of her own feelings to express them directly to the people who she feels are causing her hurt.  Sharing her feelings is vital, not so that she can change HIM, but so she can be emotionally healthy.  So that she can continue to mature, and learn to trust others, despite the abandonment and disappointment she feels.

The other day in the car she mentioned that she will never have a broken heart because she will always be the one to break up in a relationship.  How terribly sad.  I don't want her to feel dependant upon a man or a relationship.  But I also do not want her to cut off her heart to love and companionship.  I can see her setting aside her feelings.  I watch her minimize her pain, even now, at just eleven years old.  It is heartbreaking.  I hear her saying my words of acceptance "This is my life!" with a smile on her face.  She is so sweet and funny and clever and strong.  I admire her.  I love her. I am proud of who she is becoming.

i should be sleeping.

The other thing that church reminded me of was an experience I had with the Lord in late 2010.  I had been diligent about reading scriptures and praying every single night.  I felt connected with the Lord.  I was immensely distraught over my divorce, my husband (at the time) and what was to become of my marriage/family.  It was a very very difficult time.  I was trying desperately to understand my husband's choices and I just couldn't.  The Spirit had confirmed to me that I was on the right path, that my desires were pure...  So I knelt one night and prayed - FERVENTLY prayed - to be enlightened by my reading.  I prayed that the scriptures I read that night would give me some insight into where Rick was at emotionally, spiritually - what was "going on" with him.  I stood from my knees, opened my scriptures, and read Exodus Chapters 8, 9, and 10.  This is the story of the pharoah.  He keeps saying he's going to do the right thing.  He keeps getting signs.  He chooses to ignore the signs - over and over and over.  I kept reading and reading for the point when the pharaoh comes around.  Over and over, he says he's going to let them go, but then he just doesn't.  He hardens his heart - over and over and over.  If you are familiar with the story, then you know that the Pharaoh never comes around.  Moses and the people escape, are chased, red sea, blah blah blah...

The Lord (STRAIGHT UP) answered my prayer that night.  I knew it then.  I knew without question that Rick wasn't going to EVER come around.  It didn't stop me from trying (and trying and trying and trying,) but I got the message.  What a great testimony of truth.  And what a sad reality.

Months after that experience, I texted Rick about it.  He had told me that he wouldn't believe that he was supposed to come back to me unless God himself appeared to him.  LOL.  I am not kidding.  So I told him about the night I prayed and was led to read Exodus.  I asked him to read it.  I doubt he did.

Tonight I went back to my backed up text messages to find that one about Exodus.  I wanted to remember what I had told him.  I re-read the messages from that day and the next.  It was only a small excerpt of months and months of texts and emails in which I tried to convince him of my sincerity, but I read in a different light tonight.  Last time I read old texts, I cried and was "devastated."  Tonight, it made me sad, but it gave me resolve.  It renewed that same testomony of my path.  I was (without question) telling the truth the entire time.  Rick's refusal to believe my words did not make me a liar.  And his denial of reality did not make him honest.  Truth is truth.  Lies are lies.  The Spirit will testify of TRUTH.  If we are open to it.  If we are sincere.  If we are listening.

What a profound experience.  What a great reminder of how great our lives can be if we choose to rely on the Lord - CHOOSE (the right) to TRUST HIM.  I am grateful for the reminder.

Love/Fear

I know I'm a little late to write/post, but I had a great day at church this weekend.  Feeling happy in so many ways (also stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, chaotic) that I wanted to reflect a little bit.

First, let's be clear.  I take six kids to church with me every other Sunday, so I cannot claim to have caught/heard/internalized all of the many wonderful spiritual thoughts that were proclaimed, but can distinctly remember bits and pieces.  Most significantly, the quote that stood out to me was "Love is a greater motivator than fear."  Parenting (and parenting styles) have been a common subject of thought and discussion for me lately.   I would argue that my style is based on love.  I want them to feel loved, safe, comfortable with their own feelings.  I am trying to teach them to communicate their emotions effectively.  I think it is an important skill in life.  I am trying to teach them to be self-reliant, confident, independant thinkers and feelers.  I do that by making an effort to truly KNOW them as individuals.  I seek to understand their emotional needs and figure out how best to communicate with them.  Believe me, with six little INDIVIDUALS it is not an easy job.  That aspect of this job is enough to keep me busy full time.  It is my highest priority - to love them, guide them, know them, accept them - help them understand and own their personal responsibilities in and to this world, their ultimate autonomy.  I want them to understand how much control they have over their own destinies, how much their choices affect their reality, and the importance of a strong spiritual foundation.  I am NOT trying to scare them into submission, to "force" them to be good, or to make them follow (senseless) "rules."  I don't think fear is an effective motivator.   Especially not for children.  They will be more successful when they feel acceptance, love, understanding and guidance.  Not fear.   Respect, yes. But not fear.  And you have to choose.  You can't have both.  You can't BE both.

a couple of C words

Church.

No, going to church on Sunday does not "make it all better" when you've been sinful or have issues with obedience.  I have my faults; I admit them; I continue to work on them (with the help of my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and, perhaps, my therapist.)  I try to get to church every Sunday.  Lately I've been lazy on my "off" weekends and the kids were sick the previous Sunday they were home.  No excuses.  Just life.  Last weekend I got them all up and ready for church on time.  Jan 1 our Sacrament time changed to 9am and I was very nervous about accomplishing it.  I even made sure to send them to bed early on Saturday.  We pulled into the church parking lot exactly at 9am to find it completely empty.  LOL.  Oooops.  Stake conference.  I usually would have just skipped (Stake Conference with six little kids is way tooooo much for me!  Especially alone!) but I decided to give it a try.  I drove around a bit and pulled into the Stake center parking lot closer to 9:30.  Ugh.  Stake Conference didn't start until ten.  We made it about a half an hour before I packed it in and went home.  Maybe next time.  Maybe next year.
However, what is important is that I tried.  MOST Sundays (particularly the ones where I have the kids home with me) I am at church.  That is not to try to "act as if" I am perfect or doing everything right.  It is just because I'd like to set the example to my children that attending church on Sunday is important.  That's all.  It isn't about me or how I look.  It's about teaching my children a value, not about whether or not I am perfectly living Gospel standards today.  I think that making the effort to bring them when I have them sends a clear message to them about its importance.

Competition/Comparisons

I do not believe that I am in competion with my ex.  I, of course, think I am better.  I'm sure he (and she) think(s) the same of themselves.  Of COURSE we think we are better than the other.  It is the nature of being "exes."  Do I worry about being seen as better?  Absolutely not.  I am happy and confident in the choices I make as a mother, in my children's interest.  I HAVE, on more than one occassion, asked the children (when they have told me how their father handled a particular situation) "Is that how Mommy would have handled that?"  and "Would you like it better if I did it the way that Daddy does it?"  I ask only because I HONESTLY would like to know if they prefer the methods being used at Daddy's house.  I tell them that if they want things done differently, we can talk about it.  Sometimes I will be able to implement the changes and other times I may not believe change is the right choice, but I will always listen to them.  I always want to hear their preferences and opinions.  Of course we all love the children.  We just have different methods.  I definitely want to use the method that is most effective.  That is why co-parenting would be beneficial.

To yell or not to yell.

I used to yell at my kids.  No, really.  I used to yell at my kids A LOT.  Looking back, I can remember periods of time that it felt like all I ever did was yell!  Divorce has changed me IMMENSELY as a parent.  There is no question that I am a better mother now.  Rick may not recognize it, but the people who SEE me, the people who KNOW me, do.

As I had a (brief) text interaction with my (extremely unreasonable) ex-husband today, I got to thinking a lot about how different we are as parents.  Clearly, in the past couple of years, Rick and I have demonstrated (repeatedly) that our parenting styles are very, very different.  One might even call them "contradictory" styles.  My style is more permissive - fostering independence and self-reliance, if you will - while his is more dictatorial.  If he was willing to work with me, I would be happy to take parenting classes with him.  If he was willing, I would be happy to speak with a therapist with him.  However, his behavior has shown nothing but an UNWILLINGNESS to admit a need for change.  So, here we sit.  The children suffer as they are subject to two (even three, since she has another style altogether) different styles of parenting and discipline.  We as parents suffer because our efforts are contantly being thwarted at the other parent's home.

Back to the yelling.  I still yell at my kids a bit.  It is much less than it used to be.  Much much less.  And I would also venture that it continues to decrease.  I yell more when I am tired or frustrated, overwhelmed or just annoyed.  I yell when my kids are all yelling or ignoring me or disobeying.  But I really don't yell very much.  I've noticed that I most often speak calmly, even as they are yelling at me, talking back or misbehaving.  I can feel the increase in my own peace, in my own sanity.  I can remember my mom asking me to yell less when we first moved in there.  I didn't think the yelling was that big of a deal.  It felt normal. But now I see it.  (Thanks for being patient with me, Mom.)

The further I get from my marriage, the more clearly I see just how BAD it was.  Rick still yells at the kids and spanks (mostly Jane) a lot.  I know because the kids sometimes tell me sotries (unsolicited, I swear) and because I can TELL through their actions.  They come home from their father's house YELLING at each other a lot more.  The first three days after a visit, I spend a lot of time saying "We don't speak to each other that way."

Just today, as I interacted with Rick via text, it occurred to me that maybe the yelling was a product of much more than MY personal weakness as a mother and human being (shocker, I know.)  I am finding that  lot of what existed in that relationship/marriage/family was a product of more than my weakness, despite what I FELT during the marriage.  Distance does that.  It helps us to see what was reality and what was perception.  And perhaps what was a fat pile of passive aggressive bullshit. (Oh wait, did I just say that out loud?)

I know that Rick thinks I re-write history.  However, I am not telling you a story about what happened in my marriage.  I am contrasting my behavior then and now.  I am saying that WITH Rick, I was a certain way (with the children) and WITHOUT Rick, I am another way - arguably, a better way.  I am pointing out that, arguably, HIS behaviors haven't changed, and that the children come home from visits angry, violent and yelling at one another.

Finally, there is a DISTINCT difference, emotionally, between the older four children and the younger two.  Their demeanor.  Their openness.  Jane, at THREE, has openly communicated her emotions in ways that the older kids still do not (at least not without lots of prodding.)  She has an awareness and acceptance of her emotions.  When she plays with Parker (just the two of them) she speaks sweetly, with respect.  Jane was 9 months old when Rick and I separated.  These years are clearly very formitive ones, emotionally.  She learned something different than the older four.

Rick asked me to give him more time with the children today.  He said that if I want to give him my weekends, he would love to have more time with them.  I told him no.  I told him there was no way I would offer him my time.  With this blog post, I am attempting to explain that decision.  No, I do not think that my ex-husband is a good father.  Take AWAY the fact that he doesn't pay child support.  I STILL think he behaves selfishly, without care for what is in the childrens interest.  I know that the children spending time with him is important. I know they will never have another father. Whatever relationship he chooses to develop with them will be important to them maturing into adulthood, especially the girls. I would NEVER suggest that he NOT see them.   He even admitted in his text message that he KNOWS he would have more time if he lived closer.  He wants to get ANOTHER shortcut (patterns can be soooo disturbing!!) - this time to fatherhood.  But, no, I will not give him more time.  Not with things as they are.  He will have to make an effort.  A real effort.

Feel your feelings

I follow a blogger on Facebook.  Her name is Amber (also!), and her page is called Go Kaleo.  I love reading her encouraging words about self (body) image and healthy behaviors.  One thing she says a lot is "Eat the Food."  She often makes the point that starvation is not the answer, magic pills are not the answer, and demonizing ANY aspect of nutrition (carbs, sugar, fats, etc.) is NOT the answer.  The only answer comes in consistent changes to behavior and eating habits (real food and exercise, duh!)  Sooooo, along that same vein, I want to write about being healthy emotionally.

I've been seeing the same therapist for the past two years.  He has seen me through the separation, pregnancy, divorce, all of that.  My emotional ups and downs.  Lately I've been taking 3 to 4 weeks between sessions.  I've stabilized, emotionally.  I've learned how to deal with the stresses and overwhelming burdens of it all.  And here's my secret.  GET REAL.  Just as Go Kaleo tells us to eat real food, I want to encourage anyone searching for emotional/spiritual health to just get real - and FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.  We all have feelings.  We are human beings.  We are human, fallible, imperfect, emotional creatures.  People and situations affect us in emotional ways.  We get angry, sad, hurt, frantic, frustrated, lonely.  The greatest fallacy is the idea that we can somehow circumvent those feelings just by deciding that they don't affect us.  My relationship with my ex-husband was hindered by the expectation of underlying happiness.  We were "supposed to" be happy together.  We were "supposed to" love each other.  So, that's what we did.  That's what I did.  I ignored my unhappiness.  My denial was so intense and so insidious that it enveloped every aspect of my relationship and my family.  I lied to myself.  I thought I was happy.  I HONESTLY thought I was happy, but clearly I wasn't.  And dealing with my ex has made his manipulative habits so much clearer.  Healthy thinking (and feeling) has freed me so much.  Nowadays, when I get angry, I admit it.  If Brian upsets me or disappoints me,  I admit it.  We talk about it.  We respect each other. We respect each others' feelings and needs.  We've stabilized and are HAPPY.  What a concept.  It's taken a long time.  We've worked through a lot of issues.  We're sticking it out.  And I don't feel like I "have to" be or do anything other than what and who I actually AM, naturally - no more pretending.  No more "not good enough."  No more trying to meet some unattainable ideal of perfection....  And when Rick upsets me, it is only for a little while.  I feel it.  I talk about it.  I get over it.

He called me a whore today.  We were texting regarding the children and his visit.  Brief backstory - on Friday when I dropped them off I mentioned that Breanna refused to wear socks to school that day and her feet were stinky.  He responded that I should not let her put her shoes on without socks.  I laughed inside.  I didn't respond.  So today he made a point to tell me to have them in SOCKS for their visit.  Haha.  I explained that my parenting style involves natural consequences and I choose not to baby them (except for the babies, of course.)  Here was his response:  "What are the natural consequences to being a whore?"  After WELL OVER two years.  After we've been divorced and he's been married over a year and he has another BABY!!!  Still angry at me for being a "whore."  There was a time that I would've been destroyed by that remark.  There was a time I would have let it hurt me, anger me, mess me up.  Not any more.  I was honestly, intensely AMUSED.  I felt sorry for him that he is still all-consumed by this hatred and disgust for what I did to him - how I hurt him.  I thought we had moved on.  Now it seems that I've moved on without him.  What a wonderful feeling.

I did it by allowing myself to feel.  I allow myself to be real.  All of the time.  When people ask me how things are going, I am REAL.  I rarely say "Fine" or "Good" or "Great."  Things are what they are.  Life is hard.  Life is hard for all of us, but I think it is fair to say that this life has an exceptional level of difficulty.  And I don't want to sugar coat it.  I am a single mother of six young children.  My ex-husband has avoided paying child support at every opportunity.  He's gone back on disability - the upside being that it will hopefully mean consistent child support payments - FOR ONCE!  It's a hard life, but it's REAL LIFE.  I get to be real.  I get to feel upset, happy, sad, excited, lonely, depressed, overwhelmed without any additional expectations.

So, feel your feelings, people.  It is healthy, normal, natural to feel things.  It is okay to show emotion. It is not weakness.  It is strength.

A little behind.

And a little play on words for the "inside joke" crowd.

Feels like forever since I've posted and quite a few blog ideas have been swirling around in this head of mine, but I just haven't  felt motivated to put pen to paper ( so to speak ) and make it happen. I imagine that even this weak attempt at reaching out will be a disappointment to anyone who expects me to impart something meaningful or profound.

Sometimes it's just to catch up.  I feel like there is so much to say, yet not much at the same time.

My ex-husband celebrated his one year anniversary this past weekend.  Well, I honestly don't know if he "celebrated" or not, but I'd imagine they did.  Point being, it's been a year.  Time flies.  I am happy to report that I feel little more or less than contempt for my ex-husband at any given moment.  Yes, there are the brief moments of nostalgia and not-as-brief moments of intense hatred.  However, overall, I think that contempt sums up my feelings quite accurately.  Just to be sure, I went and googled the word "contempt."  Yep, that's about it.  I'm sad about my marriage ending and HOW my marriage ended, but there is no longing in my sadness - it is just sadness and disappointment.  It is comforting to know that I did everything in my power to effect change in my marriage.  I failed.  Well, that isn't fair.  I succeeded immensely in changing myself.  I could not, however, change my relationship in a positive way.

There seems to be consistent repetition of a similar pattern in my dealings and difficulties with Rick.  Typically things culminate in an utter lack of child support (been dealing with this yo-yo consistently for almost three years now.)  The latest chapter takes us to a court date on the 17th of this month.  I pray that the judge will see through all of his lies, but I am prepared for the worst.  It may take even more time for the court to see that he is doing and will continue to do everything in his power to avoiding taking financial responsibility for our children.  The pattern of behavior seems obvious to me, but that's just me.  The court may see it differently.  The court might actually believe his ridiculous lies.  It's okay, though, the truth will come out eventually.  It always does.  And if there is one thing I've learned (and am constantly re-learning) it is patience.  Six kids and an uncooperative ex will do that to ya.

Life in our home is as normal as I can keep a home with six kids who are dealing with life, and growing up, and a split home, and all of the chaos that goes with it.  Each of the children provides their own unique challenge to me as a mother.  I find that patience goes a long way.  Really, the more calm I am, the better things go.  My love for my children only deepens the more that I learn and grow with them.  As I get to know them as individuals, I am astounded at their depth and their many unique qualities.  I mean, I am actually ASTOUNDED  by them.  They are great, amazing kids.  I am so proud to be their mother.  Dropping them with their father gets more and more difficult.  I miss them while they are gone.  I want them with me all of the time.

Christmas looms.  I am excited to share the holiday with the kids and the rest of my family.  This experience has drawn me closer to them.  Being closer physically allows family to be closer in other ways as well.  I am grateful my kids are developing those relationships with their extended family.  It is heartwarming to watch. I have such an amazing family.

I am grateful for Brian.  We've had our ups and downs (and ons and offs) but things have stabilized and I am grateful.  We are a great match because we truly see each other and we love and accept the wholeness of each other.  I take comfort in the fact that we are safe together.  Our hearts are safe.  Trust is not easy to come by after a divorce.  I am not willing to let it go so easily.  Comfort, trust, commitment, safety  - all go a long long way in a relationship.  And we are real with one another.  We needn't feel ashamed or afraid of anything that we share.  We've both dated others now.  We've chosen us.  It feels good, and I am happy.

I guess that's the bulk of the update.  If you don't hear from me before the court date, rest assured I'll likely update at some point after Christmas.  Actually might be after New Year's.  The kids are home until then.

Wishing you and yours a happy holiday.  Here's some pics, in case you're not on Facebook with us.  ;)

New Book

" If a marriage partner has any value to the sociopath, it is because the partner is viewed as a possession, one that the sociopath may feel angry to lose, but never sad or accountable."

Marth Stout, Ph.D
The Sociopath Next Door

http://www.amazon.com/The-Sociopath-Next-Door-ebook/dp/B000FCJXTC/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

counting down

I check the DCSS website regularly to see if Rick has made any payments.  Right now I'm just crossing my fingers that nothing shows up before November 1.  Since I received cash aid ($924) for October, any payments made during this month go to the State.  After next month begins, I get anything paid, up to the $1590 that is the current monthly order.  It is weird actually hoping that no payments post.  Of course, after November 1, the amount shoots up to about $28,000 owed in total.  FYI.

Convenient

Less than two weeks after I filed for a modification of child support (after learning he's been making over $40/hr since April) my EX got laid off.  The garnishment for this job (he's had since July) has been in effect for a month.  I'm sure he would tell you that it isn't his choice, he has no control, etc.  But the timing is interesting, and quite convenient.  Our court date is December 17.  I'm just saying.

epiphany

It just occured to me that I am trying to be nice and reasonable with a person who just ISN'T - isn't nice, isn't reasonable, isn't honorable, isn't moral or ethical.  Quite basically, a person who is comepletely self-centered, self-absorbed, self-righteous.  There IS NO working together.  There is only protecting myself and my children.

I'm a little overwhelmed with sadness right now.

Trust, Part 2

Turns out, the commitment to therapy was for ONE meeting.  I am still willing to do that, but I think it best to wait until after our court date on Monday.

After court, I have an appointment at DCSS to see if it is appropriate for them to modify the child support.  DCSS received a payment on October 4.

I am trusting that Rick will continue to pay child support.  Last time (in May) it only lasted a month.  I am REALLY hoping it lasts longer than that.  I received a notice confirming that the cash aid is cancelled.  I will be relying solely on support from Rick beginning November 1 since I already received the $924 for October.  Ironically, Rick's WEEKLY check (gross income) is close to that amount!

I'm tired of fighting.  I won't stop, I'm just tired.  I really want things to be different.  I want my children to have a peace that I didn't have as a child.  I will keep fighting.  I'm just tired.

I can do this.

Trust

So, many times, my ex husband has made it clear that he does not trust me.  I fully understand his distrust when it comes to the reality and outcome of our marriage - I was an unfaithful wife.  He could not trust me.  Did I lie to him?  Yes, a few times, keeping secrets about infidelity...  However, after less than 5 weeks of an "affair," I could no longer maintain my deceit.  I am not a liar; I came clean about my actions (activities) and sought his forgiveness.  I wanted to work through this (admittedly traumatic and hurtful) challenge to save our marriage and our family.  It wasn't an easy prospect for either of us.  I was still "in love" with another man, thinking that the "happiness" I felt in the glow of someone ELSE's "affections" and attention were REAL and true.  I know now that I was wrong, but at the time, I was choosing an unhappy marriage over a happy love.  I was wrong, of course.  Rick was right, in that moment.  I know now, after finding some writings he made during that first week, that there was a time that he felt the spirit, that he knew what the right path to take was.  The biggest mistake I made was asking for a separation - in essence, giving him permission to begin a new relationship.  The day after our "separation" began, Rick called Carolyn for the first time (since we'd been married.)  My heart may never heal from realization and significance of the timing.  That is not to say that I blame myself, because I do not.  Every choice he (THEY) made (to destroy our family, and hurt our children) that year and to this very day are their own.  I own all of my choices before that day, before that moment, but from that moment on, the decision making power (to save or destroy an eternal family) was in their hands.

My ex-husband still, to this day, does not trust me.  The ONLY way that I EVER betrayed his trust was in marital infidelity, both physical and emotional.  I did not deceive him in any way after we separated.  I do not ever lie to him, or tell him half truths, or omit truths in my communications with him.  I make choices in my life that will help me care for, nurture, and protect our six children.  He has never communicated any agreement with anything I have done, but he has also never communicated complaint or fault in my decisions.  I however, have tried (foolishly) to communicate my concerns about our children both to my ex and to his wife.  I have presented struggles the children face, struggles I face, as a result of their actions involving the children.  My attempts at cooperative parenting have always been met with insult, obstinance, anger, and condescending contempt.  I begged him to go to therapy with me, if not for the sake of our marriage (we were still married at the time) then for the sake of our children - our contentious relationship affects them more than he realizes!  He refused, REPEATEDLY and without fail, over the past two years.

The other day, after a particularly upsetting verbal disagreement (which regretably took place in the presence of the children,) I received a text message indicating that he would be willing to "talk" to me with a mediator, therapist or clergy.  Could it be true?   Does he really want to get along?

Now, I find myself in the unique and ironic situation that I no longer trust him.  I know, from the experience I've had over the past two years, that he lies.  He is currently (still) over $26,000 behind in child support, so he does NOT pay voluntarily. He's justified his actions in his own mind.  I am pretty sure, also from experience, that he believes his lies, and that is extremely dangerous. 

He just began paying child support again (through garnishments) and DCSS received their first payment on Thursday. I drove to the "welfare" office on Friday, and immediately canceled my cash aid (welfare.) It was (IS) a risky move. What if he stops paying again? What if I am left without income (again?) What if....? But I knew/know in my heart, that it was the right thing to do. It was the correct course of action.  So I am taking the chance that my ex-husband will begin and continue to take financial responsibility for our family.  I am trusting.  I am relying on faith in who I still believe the man I married can be.  I know of many who would fault my decision, but I am sticking by it.  I believe in what is right.  I believe in the right prevailing.

I do not know what has facilitated his newfound willingness to try something different, or even if it real, but I am grateful for it.  I have felt the Lord working in my life in so many ways lately.  Really, truly, felt that the Lord is listening to me, hearing me, and helping me, individually.  I hope that this change will fit into that category in my life.  That this will be the first step to a healthy relationship with my ex.  I know how immensely that will benefit and bless my children, in a way that few others do.

With God, I can do this. With GOD, I can do anything.