Feel your feelings

I follow a blogger on Facebook.  Her name is Amber (also!), and her page is called Go Kaleo.  I love reading her encouraging words about self (body) image and healthy behaviors.  One thing she says a lot is "Eat the Food."  She often makes the point that starvation is not the answer, magic pills are not the answer, and demonizing ANY aspect of nutrition (carbs, sugar, fats, etc.) is NOT the answer.  The only answer comes in consistent changes to behavior and eating habits (real food and exercise, duh!)  Sooooo, along that same vein, I want to write about being healthy emotionally.

I've been seeing the same therapist for the past two years.  He has seen me through the separation, pregnancy, divorce, all of that.  My emotional ups and downs.  Lately I've been taking 3 to 4 weeks between sessions.  I've stabilized, emotionally.  I've learned how to deal with the stresses and overwhelming burdens of it all.  And here's my secret.  GET REAL.  Just as Go Kaleo tells us to eat real food, I want to encourage anyone searching for emotional/spiritual health to just get real - and FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.  We all have feelings.  We are human beings.  We are human, fallible, imperfect, emotional creatures.  People and situations affect us in emotional ways.  We get angry, sad, hurt, frantic, frustrated, lonely.  The greatest fallacy is the idea that we can somehow circumvent those feelings just by deciding that they don't affect us.  My relationship with my ex-husband was hindered by the expectation of underlying happiness.  We were "supposed to" be happy together.  We were "supposed to" love each other.  So, that's what we did.  That's what I did.  I ignored my unhappiness.  My denial was so intense and so insidious that it enveloped every aspect of my relationship and my family.  I lied to myself.  I thought I was happy.  I HONESTLY thought I was happy, but clearly I wasn't.  And dealing with my ex has made his manipulative habits so much clearer.  Healthy thinking (and feeling) has freed me so much.  Nowadays, when I get angry, I admit it.  If Brian upsets me or disappoints me,  I admit it.  We talk about it.  We respect each other. We respect each others' feelings and needs.  We've stabilized and are HAPPY.  What a concept.  It's taken a long time.  We've worked through a lot of issues.  We're sticking it out.  And I don't feel like I "have to" be or do anything other than what and who I actually AM, naturally - no more pretending.  No more "not good enough."  No more trying to meet some unattainable ideal of perfection....  And when Rick upsets me, it is only for a little while.  I feel it.  I talk about it.  I get over it.

He called me a whore today.  We were texting regarding the children and his visit.  Brief backstory - on Friday when I dropped them off I mentioned that Breanna refused to wear socks to school that day and her feet were stinky.  He responded that I should not let her put her shoes on without socks.  I laughed inside.  I didn't respond.  So today he made a point to tell me to have them in SOCKS for their visit.  Haha.  I explained that my parenting style involves natural consequences and I choose not to baby them (except for the babies, of course.)  Here was his response:  "What are the natural consequences to being a whore?"  After WELL OVER two years.  After we've been divorced and he's been married over a year and he has another BABY!!!  Still angry at me for being a "whore."  There was a time that I would've been destroyed by that remark.  There was a time I would have let it hurt me, anger me, mess me up.  Not any more.  I was honestly, intensely AMUSED.  I felt sorry for him that he is still all-consumed by this hatred and disgust for what I did to him - how I hurt him.  I thought we had moved on.  Now it seems that I've moved on without him.  What a wonderful feeling.

I did it by allowing myself to feel.  I allow myself to be real.  All of the time.  When people ask me how things are going, I am REAL.  I rarely say "Fine" or "Good" or "Great."  Things are what they are.  Life is hard.  Life is hard for all of us, but I think it is fair to say that this life has an exceptional level of difficulty.  And I don't want to sugar coat it.  I am a single mother of six young children.  My ex-husband has avoided paying child support at every opportunity.  He's gone back on disability - the upside being that it will hopefully mean consistent child support payments - FOR ONCE!  It's a hard life, but it's REAL LIFE.  I get to be real.  I get to feel upset, happy, sad, excited, lonely, depressed, overwhelmed without any additional expectations.

So, feel your feelings, people.  It is healthy, normal, natural to feel things.  It is okay to show emotion. It is not weakness.  It is strength.

A little behind.

And a little play on words for the "inside joke" crowd.

Feels like forever since I've posted and quite a few blog ideas have been swirling around in this head of mine, but I just haven't  felt motivated to put pen to paper ( so to speak ) and make it happen. I imagine that even this weak attempt at reaching out will be a disappointment to anyone who expects me to impart something meaningful or profound.

Sometimes it's just to catch up.  I feel like there is so much to say, yet not much at the same time.

My ex-husband celebrated his one year anniversary this past weekend.  Well, I honestly don't know if he "celebrated" or not, but I'd imagine they did.  Point being, it's been a year.  Time flies.  I am happy to report that I feel little more or less than contempt for my ex-husband at any given moment.  Yes, there are the brief moments of nostalgia and not-as-brief moments of intense hatred.  However, overall, I think that contempt sums up my feelings quite accurately.  Just to be sure, I went and googled the word "contempt."  Yep, that's about it.  I'm sad about my marriage ending and HOW my marriage ended, but there is no longing in my sadness - it is just sadness and disappointment.  It is comforting to know that I did everything in my power to effect change in my marriage.  I failed.  Well, that isn't fair.  I succeeded immensely in changing myself.  I could not, however, change my relationship in a positive way.

There seems to be consistent repetition of a similar pattern in my dealings and difficulties with Rick.  Typically things culminate in an utter lack of child support (been dealing with this yo-yo consistently for almost three years now.)  The latest chapter takes us to a court date on the 17th of this month.  I pray that the judge will see through all of his lies, but I am prepared for the worst.  It may take even more time for the court to see that he is doing and will continue to do everything in his power to avoiding taking financial responsibility for our children.  The pattern of behavior seems obvious to me, but that's just me.  The court may see it differently.  The court might actually believe his ridiculous lies.  It's okay, though, the truth will come out eventually.  It always does.  And if there is one thing I've learned (and am constantly re-learning) it is patience.  Six kids and an uncooperative ex will do that to ya.

Life in our home is as normal as I can keep a home with six kids who are dealing with life, and growing up, and a split home, and all of the chaos that goes with it.  Each of the children provides their own unique challenge to me as a mother.  I find that patience goes a long way.  Really, the more calm I am, the better things go.  My love for my children only deepens the more that I learn and grow with them.  As I get to know them as individuals, I am astounded at their depth and their many unique qualities.  I mean, I am actually ASTOUNDED  by them.  They are great, amazing kids.  I am so proud to be their mother.  Dropping them with their father gets more and more difficult.  I miss them while they are gone.  I want them with me all of the time.

Christmas looms.  I am excited to share the holiday with the kids and the rest of my family.  This experience has drawn me closer to them.  Being closer physically allows family to be closer in other ways as well.  I am grateful my kids are developing those relationships with their extended family.  It is heartwarming to watch. I have such an amazing family.

I am grateful for Brian.  We've had our ups and downs (and ons and offs) but things have stabilized and I am grateful.  We are a great match because we truly see each other and we love and accept the wholeness of each other.  I take comfort in the fact that we are safe together.  Our hearts are safe.  Trust is not easy to come by after a divorce.  I am not willing to let it go so easily.  Comfort, trust, commitment, safety  - all go a long long way in a relationship.  And we are real with one another.  We needn't feel ashamed or afraid of anything that we share.  We've both dated others now.  We've chosen us.  It feels good, and I am happy.

I guess that's the bulk of the update.  If you don't hear from me before the court date, rest assured I'll likely update at some point after Christmas.  Actually might be after New Year's.  The kids are home until then.

Wishing you and yours a happy holiday.  Here's some pics, in case you're not on Facebook with us.  ;)

New Book

" If a marriage partner has any value to the sociopath, it is because the partner is viewed as a possession, one that the sociopath may feel angry to lose, but never sad or accountable."

Marth Stout, Ph.D
The Sociopath Next Door

http://www.amazon.com/The-Sociopath-Next-Door-ebook/dp/B000FCJXTC/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

counting down

I check the DCSS website regularly to see if Rick has made any payments.  Right now I'm just crossing my fingers that nothing shows up before November 1.  Since I received cash aid ($924) for October, any payments made during this month go to the State.  After next month begins, I get anything paid, up to the $1590 that is the current monthly order.  It is weird actually hoping that no payments post.  Of course, after November 1, the amount shoots up to about $28,000 owed in total.  FYI.

Convenient

Less than two weeks after I filed for a modification of child support (after learning he's been making over $40/hr since April) my EX got laid off.  The garnishment for this job (he's had since July) has been in effect for a month.  I'm sure he would tell you that it isn't his choice, he has no control, etc.  But the timing is interesting, and quite convenient.  Our court date is December 17.  I'm just saying.

epiphany

It just occured to me that I am trying to be nice and reasonable with a person who just ISN'T - isn't nice, isn't reasonable, isn't honorable, isn't moral or ethical.  Quite basically, a person who is comepletely self-centered, self-absorbed, self-righteous.  There IS NO working together.  There is only protecting myself and my children.

I'm a little overwhelmed with sadness right now.

Trust, Part 2

Turns out, the commitment to therapy was for ONE meeting.  I am still willing to do that, but I think it best to wait until after our court date on Monday.

After court, I have an appointment at DCSS to see if it is appropriate for them to modify the child support.  DCSS received a payment on October 4.

I am trusting that Rick will continue to pay child support.  Last time (in May) it only lasted a month.  I am REALLY hoping it lasts longer than that.  I received a notice confirming that the cash aid is cancelled.  I will be relying solely on support from Rick beginning November 1 since I already received the $924 for October.  Ironically, Rick's WEEKLY check (gross income) is close to that amount!

I'm tired of fighting.  I won't stop, I'm just tired.  I really want things to be different.  I want my children to have a peace that I didn't have as a child.  I will keep fighting.  I'm just tired.

I can do this.

Trust

So, many times, my ex husband has made it clear that he does not trust me.  I fully understand his distrust when it comes to the reality and outcome of our marriage - I was an unfaithful wife.  He could not trust me.  Did I lie to him?  Yes, a few times, keeping secrets about infidelity...  However, after less than 5 weeks of an "affair," I could no longer maintain my deceit.  I am not a liar; I came clean about my actions (activities) and sought his forgiveness.  I wanted to work through this (admittedly traumatic and hurtful) challenge to save our marriage and our family.  It wasn't an easy prospect for either of us.  I was still "in love" with another man, thinking that the "happiness" I felt in the glow of someone ELSE's "affections" and attention were REAL and true.  I know now that I was wrong, but at the time, I was choosing an unhappy marriage over a happy love.  I was wrong, of course.  Rick was right, in that moment.  I know now, after finding some writings he made during that first week, that there was a time that he felt the spirit, that he knew what the right path to take was.  The biggest mistake I made was asking for a separation - in essence, giving him permission to begin a new relationship.  The day after our "separation" began, Rick called Carolyn for the first time (since we'd been married.)  My heart may never heal from realization and significance of the timing.  That is not to say that I blame myself, because I do not.  Every choice he (THEY) made (to destroy our family, and hurt our children) that year and to this very day are their own.  I own all of my choices before that day, before that moment, but from that moment on, the decision making power (to save or destroy an eternal family) was in their hands.

My ex-husband still, to this day, does not trust me.  The ONLY way that I EVER betrayed his trust was in marital infidelity, both physical and emotional.  I did not deceive him in any way after we separated.  I do not ever lie to him, or tell him half truths, or omit truths in my communications with him.  I make choices in my life that will help me care for, nurture, and protect our six children.  He has never communicated any agreement with anything I have done, but he has also never communicated complaint or fault in my decisions.  I however, have tried (foolishly) to communicate my concerns about our children both to my ex and to his wife.  I have presented struggles the children face, struggles I face, as a result of their actions involving the children.  My attempts at cooperative parenting have always been met with insult, obstinance, anger, and condescending contempt.  I begged him to go to therapy with me, if not for the sake of our marriage (we were still married at the time) then for the sake of our children - our contentious relationship affects them more than he realizes!  He refused, REPEATEDLY and without fail, over the past two years.

The other day, after a particularly upsetting verbal disagreement (which regretably took place in the presence of the children,) I received a text message indicating that he would be willing to "talk" to me with a mediator, therapist or clergy.  Could it be true?   Does he really want to get along?

Now, I find myself in the unique and ironic situation that I no longer trust him.  I know, from the experience I've had over the past two years, that he lies.  He is currently (still) over $26,000 behind in child support, so he does NOT pay voluntarily. He's justified his actions in his own mind.  I am pretty sure, also from experience, that he believes his lies, and that is extremely dangerous. 

He just began paying child support again (through garnishments) and DCSS received their first payment on Thursday. I drove to the "welfare" office on Friday, and immediately canceled my cash aid (welfare.) It was (IS) a risky move. What if he stops paying again? What if I am left without income (again?) What if....? But I knew/know in my heart, that it was the right thing to do. It was the correct course of action.  So I am taking the chance that my ex-husband will begin and continue to take financial responsibility for our family.  I am trusting.  I am relying on faith in who I still believe the man I married can be.  I know of many who would fault my decision, but I am sticking by it.  I believe in what is right.  I believe in the right prevailing.

I do not know what has facilitated his newfound willingness to try something different, or even if it real, but I am grateful for it.  I have felt the Lord working in my life in so many ways lately.  Really, truly, felt that the Lord is listening to me, hearing me, and helping me, individually.  I hope that this change will fit into that category in my life.  That this will be the first step to a healthy relationship with my ex.  I know how immensely that will benefit and bless my children, in a way that few others do.

With God, I can do this. With GOD, I can do anything.

What I Allow

I let him hurt me again today.  Deeply.  I let him hurt me with his lies, and his victim attitude, and his insisting that I am to blame for his poor choices.  I did not choose, either directly OR indirectly, for him to stop paying child support for three months.  I did not have anything to do with that choice.

I chose to file a court case in an attempt to be kept "in the loop" on his employment info.  He says I could have gone to mediation through DCSS.  Maybe, but am I supposed to expect cooperation with a mediator from a man who outright refuses to pay child support voluntarily?  A man who lies to me at every juncture?  I would be more than happy to mediate, but what evidence have I seen that he's willing to communicate or cooperate at ANY level?  NONE!

I'm open.  I'm waiting.

Yes, I let him hurt me.  And no one can hurt me like he does.  Those feelings are so raw.  In a way, I think I even still have love for him, and that just makes everything hurt more.

I've been praying for him a lot lately.
Emotionally destroyed a bit today.  But I won't let him have that power.  This time is mine.

Dinosaur!

This morning, right around 3am, I got a visit from Janey (or Janette, as she so beautifully enunciates, now that she is attending preschool - they call her by her full name.)  She came into my room to tell me that there was a dinosaur in her room.  I asked her about it.  She told me it was black, and she saw it on Breanna's ladder up to her bed.  I half paid attention as she continued to, matter-of-factly describe the dinosaur in the girls room.  She asked me if it was my pet.

 

 "Sure, Jane, it's my pet dinosaur.  It's very nice.  It won't hurt you."

  "But it will roar."  

"Roar?" 

"Yes, it will roar in my face.  And it will meow because it is a kitty."  

Our conversation went on and on.  Parker woke up as well, so I was patiently, gently, delicately trying to get the babies to just GO TO SLEEP.  I was not successful for over an hour.

This morning, somehow, we all were laying in my bed goofing off (except Jason, of course, who is suddenly too cool.)  I recounted the dinosaur story to Hattie, and she devuded to ask Jane.

"Janey, did you see a dinosaur?"

"Yes."

"Where was it?"

"It was in your room!  But it was really a hanger, in the morningtime."

Now, this story probably doesn't translate well to print, but it was immensely ammusing at the time.  I couldn't stop laughing.  My smart little Janey is so much fun!

I cannot believe

I spent ten years and had six kids with that worthless piece of crap.

I am so angry.

Dating

Has been interesting.
I'm learning soooooooo much about myself, and I think I've truly come to believe that I am loveable.  Not because I'm sexually attractive, or hilarious, or smart, but just because I'm ME.  It's a completely new feeling, but it feels GOOD, let me tell you!
I used to pick someone and decide to go for it.  This strategy is most accurately represented through the story of my marriage.  Decide and do.  I decided I wanted Rick, and that was it.  We got married.  No preparation, no "get to know you" or ease into it.  Just decide and do.  I've decided that it's time for a new strategy...  How about actually developing a relationship (starting with friendship) over time, and then figuring out if you are compatible beyond that initial attraction?  How about that?  I'm finding that I'm just not that interested now that I've removed the feeling of desperation from my search.  Fascinating!
I also weigh more than I've ever weighed (not pregnant) in my life.  I am not proud of my body.  But (and this is very, very significant for me) I DON'T CARE.  I know that no matter what I weigh, I am deserving of love.  It is a wonderful feeling.
So much of my marriage was characterized by "I love you 'even though'..."  Even though the house isn't clean enough.  Even though you've put on some weight.  Even though you're mean.  Even though...  I was always so fortunate to have a husband who was willing to love me "even though..."  No longer!  Now I know I deserve more, I deserve better, I deserve to feel loved, truly loved. 
I work very hard to make sure my children feel loved and loveable.  The majority of my energy and attention goes to figuring out how to meet their emotional needs effectively.  I can see the difference in them.  I believe I'm doing something right.
I think I have truly found my confidence, found myself, and I like it!
This used to be me:
Watch "Lee Brice - Hard to Love (Official Video)" on YouTube
But no more!  I am easy to love.  In so many ways, for so many reasons!
I can do this.

First day of school

I really don't have any idea what I'm doing.  This is so hard.  So very very hard.

I don't know how to do every day at this pace.  I sincerely hope you are praying for my family.  If you're reading this blog, please say a prayer for me, for us because I am feeling extremely overwhelmed.  There is no other way to describe this constant anxiety I am feeling.

At least three times a day, I find myself taking a deep breath in, and as I let it out, I say...  " I can do this. "  It has become my mantra.  Because, despite all obstacles, I really, truly CAN.  I just don't exactly know how, right now.

August

I wish I had a working computer.  I need to be blogging more.  It is a part of who I am...

Until I get a new one, I will do my best to put some brief thoughts down via phone.

As the arrival of the "new baby" approaches, I find myself getting increasingly emotional about the X, the past, etc.  I can feel all of this heartbreak, and I can only assume it is because he is officially having another baby.  After the way he treated me (AND PACO) throughout that pregnancy and into the newborn (first eight...) months, it hurts immensely to know he has "been there" and will "be there" for this baby.  Wouldn't it be better to just decide you're going to "be there" for these six kids?  I know it isn't within my realm of control, but boy have I let it get under my skin.  I think I've been pretty calm overall, but lately I think my subconscious is revealing my true feelings.

This is where blogging helps.  Since I can't go to him (the X) directly (it may be a shock, but, yes, I have had that urge, as of late) with my hurt, anger, pain, etc., what do I do?

Aaaah, so simple.  Take it to the Lord.  His Grace Is Sufficient.  His Atonement is perfect.  He is perfectly equiped to extend His mercy, love, comfort... whatever I need!  And He does give me those things, in droves.  I am grateful for the reminder...

I can do this.

notes

Struck by memories.  Conference, October, 2010.

These two talks tore at my heart.  Both were from the Priesthood Session.

Pride in the Priesthood. 

The 3 Rs of Choice.

I've been thinking about my marriage a lot lately.  Thinking about my (ex)husband.  My heart still breaks sometimes.  I'm still overcoming that hurt.

I don't know what happens next.  Why am I going bavkward?  I truly want to move forward. I'm sitting in church, and I feel like the Lord is drawing me back to these feelings.  Why?  Why now?

What am I waiting for?  I've been repeatedly told that I can do better.  Better tgan what?  What does "better" entail?  Better than LOVE, COMMITMENT, DEDICATION, PASSION?  What more should I be waiting for?  What more is there?

<3

Afraid

It's been forever since I've blogged.  The computer crashed, so I've been without means, but the truth is that life has been busy and distracting and I've let it take over.  I'm honestly not sure if anyone is reading anyway...

Almost two months have passed.

Brian has been gone and back and now gone again.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Everything and everyone in my life tells me that it is better this way - everything and everyone in his life tells him the same - but I still miss him.  I still miss all of the wonderful things about him.  I miss feeling loved and being held, and knowing my children were safe with him.  Maybe I was settling.  I don't know anymore.  I really don't know. Our connection was not for anyone else to understand.  It was wholely ours and always felt special.  I'm crying again.

I hate being alone.  I've always been terrible at it and maybe that is because I measure my worth through the eyes of others.  I'm working so hard all of the time to raise my children feeling safe, and wonderful and validated so that they don't suffer the constant overwhelming feeling of NOT BEING ENOUGH that I just cannot shake.  My therapist tells me that I eventually will have to see my intrinsic value. I tell him, "Not yet.  I still do not know how."  Right now I will focus on others, because that is what I CAN do.

Online dating has been a worthless venture.  The men there are all looking for only one thing.  If they are not consciously looking for it, then their desire for it is subconscious and still manages to overwhelm any possibility of developing a new relationship. I find myself reaching out to former friends, crushes, whoever - men I know I liked, who I know liked me.  Sometimes it is successful.  Sometimes not so much.  Either way, it is probably not healthy.  I don't trust men.  I do not want to get to know anyone new because I am so afraid that they will turn out just like the rest, just like the last, just like my marriage, whatever.  I am AFRAID.  Afraid of being alone and afraid of being together and afraid of everything.

Relationship Needs Assessment.

couldn't be any more accurate...

 

Attitudes toward love

Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love.

There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as “a “hopeless romantic with a touch of realist.” This means that you do value the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love, but for you a relationship must have a strong dose of Romantic Love. In this sense, you desire someone who is on the same wavelength as you –sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. It is common for people in this range to view their partner as a soul mate – a person who you were destined to meet and fall in love with. This attitude of “love conquers all” is optimistic and sweet, but it is not productive to remain in a “love daze” and idealize your partner constantly. Seeing a partner and relationship while only wearing rose-colored glasses can prevent you from identifying and addressing problem areas in the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who satisfies the hopeless romantic in you but who will insist that you take time to get to know each other well before the taking the relationship to next levels.

Identity

This is such an easy thing to struggle with, especially as a mother.  Especially as a mother of six.  Who am I?  What is important about my contribution to the world?  How to I distinguish myself from the act of that contribution?  I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend.  Are any one of those things more closely linked to my identity than others?  Maybe, but they are all important - they are all a part of me.

As a mother of small children (many, many small children!) it is easy to get caught up in my identity as "mom."  Now, as a single mother, that aspect of myself has been magnified even more, since the burdens fall completely on me (and, luckily, those who are supporting me.)  It is difficult to NOT wrap 100% of my identity in the person I am (job I do?) (responsibility I undertake?) the majority of the time.  And, I think, at this time in my children's lives, it is a natural byproduct of reality...

But I've been thinking a lot lately about where the core of my identity lies.  Part of it is in my kids and my role as a mother, but there has to be something left - something important left - once the children grow up.  And before the children came...  What was distinct or important about me?  I spent a lot of years acting on the assumption (unconscious) that my identity was wrapped entirely in my sexuality.  Using that aspect of myself to accomplish what I needed or get what I wanted came naturally, it was like breathing, and I didn't even realize I was doing it.  So now, as I am finally ready to explore new and healthy relationships, what makes me special and unique?  What makes me who I am - in life and in a relationship?

What I am finding most distinctive about my personality is that I am not afraid of the truth.  Now, my mom (I'm sure) and perhaps others (probably) would likely argue that I'm a little too loud, too much truth, too much of the time.  And maybe there is some TRUTH in that perspective.  But I like who I am.  I like that my friends KNOW, without question, that when I am telling them something, it is the truth.  It may be my version of truth, or my opinion of it, but I am not ever willfully deceiving them.  I cannot stand deceit.  I do not like playing games.  I do not like beating around the bush.  It is a communication style that takes some getting used to - as a friend, boyfriend, whatever...  I have lost friends, potential friends, boyfriends and potential boyfriends over it.  In my heart, I would rather KNOW how someone feels about me.  I tell you how I feel about you because I'd rather KNOW outright.

As I continue to explore relationships, I see the way my personality affects my interactions with others.  I often make mistakes.  I am hoping to soon begin making less of them.  Deep down though, I am honest.  Honest about my feelings, my beliefs, my expectations, and my truth.  If that is too much for you, then I haven't yet found the one for me.

Making a Go

I learned yesterday, in therapy, that I did not have any good healthy examples of how a relationship develops.  I (surprisingly) also did not have good healthy examples of appropriate sexual behavior.  I, literally, did/do not comprehend the process of "getting to know" someone.  I do not know what it means to casually "date."

Every relationship I have ever had got physical way too quickly.  That isn't to say that I slept with everyone, but you don't have to sleep with someone in order to be inappropriately or prematurely intimate with them.  I think I honestly believed that if I like you and you like me then we are SUPPOSED to be physical.  It's part of it, and an important part of it.  Sex is a right, a responsibility, a priority, an OBLIGATION.  That feeling of obligation made it impossible for me to have a successful marriage with my husband.  Being Mormon did NOT help this cause.  Because "Mormons" tend to be more committed to the "no sex before marriage" rule, there is a greater importance (in my opinion) given on sex within a marriage.  At least that is how it came across to me, after marrying a Mormon.  It was like, now we are allowed, so we should be doing it...  all the time...  Or something.  I don't know.  Feeling obligated to put out, as a wife, objectified me, devalued me, and made true love impossible.

So, as I examine the relationship examples that have been set for me, and my experiences in (RUSHING WAY TOO FAST INTO) relationships in my own life, I realize that I have a lot to learn.  I don't know how to be "friends first."  As soon as an emotional connection begins, I allow it to flood everything else.  Just like as soon as physical intimacy occurs, that becomes my role and my value in the relationship.  I posted a while back about slowing down...  Unfortunately, I DO NOT KNOW HOW.  I get it, in my mind, and then I do the SAME DUMB THINGS, over and over.  Hol-y cow.  It is harder than it looks, believe me.

My divorce has taught me a great deal.  My relationship with Brian (finally over) also taught me a great deal about myself and my insecurities and my faults and my "blocks" to finding true and lasting love.  I am nowhere near ready at this point, but my DESIRE is so strong, that I want to force it wherever I can.  This tragic strategy can only go two ways - 1. I am pursuing a normal, intelligent man with healthy boundaries.  As soon as I start to freak out, he says "This girl is CRAZY!"  and completely loses interest in me.  Killed it.  I have experienced this many a time.  2.  I am pursuing a man who is as desperate for "love" as I am.  He sees a beautiful girl who *wants* love soooo badly, and he wants it too!  He jumps right on the crazy train with me, and we, as a couple are destined for failure.  Story of my freaking life.

So, now what?  How does one take the tangled, fractured, tarnished heart and "make a go" at finding love?  How do we forgive ourselves our (CONTINUED, REPEATED) mistakes and keep trying?  How do we learn?  How do we grow?  How do we progress?

Put so eloquently by Dory in "Finding Nemo," we "JUST KEEP SWIMMING."  Or, from "Meet the Robinsons" -- "KEEP MOVING FORWARD."  Failure is inevitable.  It happens.  All the time, every day, every hour, every minute.  EVERYONE FAILS.  Successful people, likely, fail MORE than the rest because they are TRYING MORE!

I want to be better, I want to get better.  So, every time I do the SAME DUMB THING, I get up, brush my self off, and try again.  Eventually I will get it right.  Eventually I will fix, change, tweak, LEARN ENOUGH.  Eventually.  And I don't have to worry about when or why or how that's going to happen.  I just have to enjoy today - being the best me I can possibly be.  I wish it was as easy as it sounds.

Important Reminder

Make sure He is VALIANT. 
Make sure he will go the distance.
He is the man that will hold your sweet face in his hands as he kisses you and hold onto you like no one ever has.
He will treat your children as his own. He will love them as much as you do.
That's the man with the gentle but fierce heart that you seek.
He will come.

To Love and Be Loved.

I wonder if I will ever learn to value myself beyond my physical body and my sexual attractiveness.  I am starting to realize that no one else will place a greater value on me until I can place that value on myself.  If I am willing to give myself away so callously, then I must not be worth much, right?

I know that the woman that Heavenly Father sees is so much greater than the way I have treated myself.  But I also want someone to treat me respectfully without me having to make them.  Do I determine how I am treated, or can the right guy reinforce in me that my value is greater than my body?  The problem begins with me.  I guess it must end with me too.  I can't put that on anyone else.  But I am afraid to do it all alone.  I want a partner.  I love being in love.  What is wrong with longing to find the person you are destined to love?

I am so angry at myself for being foolish and eager and naive.  I'm angry and hurting that I jump ahead too far too fast.  Probably should've re-read that last post a couple of (hundred) times over the course of the last two weeks.  I really, honestly, do NOT know how to NOT get ahead of myself.  Life is overwhelming, and I've always hated being alone.

So back to the old standbys - FAITH, TRUST, & PATIENCE.  Let go of CONTROL.  But don't settle.  Never, ever settle.

Slow Down.

I have never been very patient.  I mean, as a mother, I have learned patience.  You cannot have six children and NOT be patient, at least to some extent, without actually causing physical harm to one or more of them.  So, in the interest of my children's safety, I have learned to be patient with their antics.  But I have never been patient with life.

I was one of those students that always wanted to be finished first.  Sometimes the quality of my work would suffer because I was in such a race, but I was always more concerned with being the fastest.  Plus, I wanted to move on to "what's next."  Not really a great way to live life.

I am mostly impatient with relationships and with my emotions.  But I've also learned that the more I actually accept my emotions, the quicker I am able to get over them!  There is nothing that DRAGS out depression like DENIAL!  And I am speaking from experience!!!

Soul searching the past couple of days has really been beneficial, and I've started to see the path I need to be taking.  Slowly.  I need to relax and drink in my life.  Drink in my children.  Accomplish what I can and let the rest go!

Just as is our relationship with God must be built "line upon line" so must our relationships with our fellow man, with those we love, our children, our eternal companions.  I'm grateful for this knowledge and a newfound ability to take my time.  Still immensely grateful for the support I am receiving - emotional, physical, financial - to help me through this harrowing time.

Breathe

I am so happy we are at home in our new ward.  The Sisters and the Brothers are all very friendly and welcoming.  Many of them have made it a point to know my name, introduce themselves (frequently) and say hello.  Several have offered items or help.  Doesn't seem to matter where our family sits during Sacrament, the neighbors are supportive, helpful, offering a toy or a snack and grabbing a child who needs attention or soothing.  It is comforting to know I will be able to accomplish it each and every week AND I'm not alone - I am already a member of a Ward Family.  As I gathered the monkeys to go home after the block, one of the Primary leaders introduced herself and mentioned how much the adore my children (already - it's only our second Sunday.)  They are such great kids.  I am so proud and so grateful.

After church my parents came over to work on some household things (the yard.)  Having two extra adults around helped with the child supervision, so my mom (and Breanna) and I were able to clean the stove.  It's the little things.  Plus Mom was happy with the new configuration of furniture in the living room.  Whew.  I can breathe for another day.

I survived this morning - preparing for church, and I survived church, and now I've just got 2 hours til bedtime.

Although today started out rough, I knew church would settle me.  I feel calm comfort, once again, and I know I can do this.

Overwhelmed

Some days are harder than others.  It has been a wonderful Spring Break, but it has also been a long one.  Multiple doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, and a few FUN days at Knott's Berry Farm got us through.  I am overwhelmed and exhausted and just about ready to head into a new week.  Only two more months of school before summer break...

I am being suffocated by feelings of not enough lately.  Try as I might, I feel completely incapable of getting or keeping my house clean.  I can spend three hours straightening and sweeping and scrubbing and in just 5 minutes it can be a wreck again.  And it isn't that the children are being overly messy or disrespectful, they are just being children.  They have to eat, don't they?  And I had to take the time to prepare the meal, but now it will take twice as long to clean up after the meal.  Dishes, table, floor.  Not to mention the actual child and their chair.  I do not mean to complain, I am just tired.

To top it off, I am constantly being told that more needs to be done.  The kids rooms HAVE TO be clean, all of the time.  The laundry CANNOT pile up on the couch.  Even when I am working at full capacity, constantly, I cannot accomplish all that needs to be done.  Even if I were to ignore the emotional needs, the cuddles, the attention that my children need, I STILL could not accomplish all that needs to be done.  And I am continuously being reminded of all the ways I must still improve.

I need to figure out how to keep the house clean.  I need to figure out how to make the money last ($1000 per month from the state since we're still waiting on child support.)  I need to keep the clothes washed, dried, folded and put away.  I need to keep the yard straight.  I need to unpack boxes in the garage, and set up laundry and play areas.  I need to meet the needs of six challenging children - aged 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, and 1 - every single day.  I need to feed them, wash them, clothe them.  I need to scold them, encourage them, listen to them, discipline them.  I need to stay sane.  I need to get over the hurt and disappointment and discouragement from the failure of my marriage.  I need to forget my ex-husband and his new wife and all their "happiness" and their new baby, even though those things are an integral part of my children's life.  We separated less than two years ago.  We've been divorced less than six months.  I need to remind myself that I'm doing okay, because I am being told over and over how much more I need to be doing, how I need to suck it up, how I should just figure it out.

This week, out of desperation, I drank one of those 5 hour energy drinks in an attempt to have the ability to do and BE more.  I ended up sleeping only 2 hours in that 24 hour period.  I accomplished a lot, but, by the next morning, I was pretty much where I had started - with just as much cleaning and caring and work to do. I have honestly considered (but, no I haven't tried) every "pharmaceutical" option I could think of to overcome my inadequacies.  I really, honestly do not know how to do this.  And how do I try to figure out a "job" on top of everything else?  I need income.  I am so scared.  I am worried about myself; I am worried about my kids; I get nothing but contempt from my ex and his wife, even when I BEG them for cooperation. 

I know I have a ton of support from family and friends, but still I feel afraid and alone.

Easter - Part 2

I feel it a challenge to come up with appropriate titles for my posts.  I suppose I could call them all "Gratitude" but then that doesn't really distinguish one from another - I've realized it helps to be able to distinguish them.  So, especially when I am posting more than once in the same day...  I struggle to be clever OR creative.  Sorry, folks.

After our Easter Sunday at church, we went to my Mom's for family time on Easter.  Normally they don't really "do" Easter (I cannot remember the last time we got together for this holiday!) but I am guessing the Grandparents were welcoming an opportunity to invite the grandkids over (not for babysitting purposes...)

I love my family.  I mean, I really love my family.  We (particularly my brothers and I) are loud and passionate, enthusiastic and entertaining.  There is always a lot of laughing.  My mother is usually shushing us and my sisters-in-law are almost always rolling their eyes at their spouses talkative ways.  We mock each other freely.  I think family gatherings were more difficult with my ex.  I had a greater tendency to judge others and to take their comments personally.  As my testimony has grown, so has my confidence, and so has my love and appreciation for these wonderful people I get to call family!

I got home just after 8, and FINALLY got the kids all to bed by about 9.  Rather than take advantage of the opportunity to get some sleep I decided it was a good time to straighten up in silence.  Felt really good to make that decision!  I straightened up the living room, moved furniture around, swept the floor, and eventually scrubbed the entire wood floor (living room, entry way, hallway.)  After that, I swept the kitchen and made a large dent in the stack of dishes that were waiting for me.  In the meantime I washed and dried two loads of laundry.  As I was washing the dishes, I was reflecting on how nice it was to get some cleaning done - I was feeling so accomplished!  What had inspired me to stay up later tonight to achieve these extra tasks?  I wondered...  Then it hit me.  I drank 3 (caffeinated!!) sodas while I was at my mom's today.  No wonder I had this burst of energy and inspiration!!  Hmmm...  kind of making the case for me to get right back on the soda train, huh?  I had stopped to avoid the sugar and wasted calories, but part of me thinks it might be worth it for the extra energy!  Oh no!  Is this that slippery slope that they always warn us about?  I am just not sure.  More contemplation may be necessary...

Oh well, at least I got some cleaning done and wrote a(nother) blog post.  Feeling pretty positive.  Spring Break begins tomorrow with a trip to the doctors (for two of them) and then we all go to Knott's.  Wish me luck, even though

I know I can do this.

Easter Sunday

I am an ex.  I have an ex.  What is it about exes that they are always jerks?  I don't get it.  I mean.  I can even see how my ex sees me as a jerk, and I ACTIVELY TRY to be nice and supportive, despite the crap I am constantly being put through... 

The gospel teaches us to forgive, and I can say that I have forgiven my ex-husband for the hurt he has caused me and my children.  Unfortunately, once (or twice, or even three times) does not cut it when it comes to forgiveness.  We have no choice on this matter.

" I, the Lord, will ^aforgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to ^bforgive all men."
 Doctrine & Covenants 64:10

So, we must continue to forgive, just as we continue to hurt.  Sometimes this is a daily process.  As we kneel and ask for forgiveness from our Father in Heaven, we humbly offer forgiveness in our own hearts.  Sometimes it is even more often.  We forgive them.  We forgive ourselves.  We grow.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow and better myself.  I'm grateful to have six children who are watching my every move.  I'm grateful I can imperfectly show them what it means to live righteously.  I'm grateful to see them learning.

We started in our new ward today.  All seven of us sitting in the second row, being introduced to a congregation of about 100 and the conductor mentioned that there were clearly a lot of visitors today!  I can't count the number of people who came up to welcome us, introduce themselves, take my number, give me theirs.  I am overwhelmed by the support I felt in a ward that one of its members described to me as "not very welcoming."  We were embraced with OPEN ARMS.  Heavenly Father truly loves each and every one of us.  I felt His Love today.

My favorite talks from conference...

Families Under Covenant

Only Upon the Principles of Righteousness

Teaching Our Children To Understand

I know I can do this.

Logistics

Life is complicated.  I'm not even talking about the emotional aspects of life.  When you are caring for six kids, life is just logistically complicated.  Here what my week looked like so far...

Monday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
Two biggers to school by 8am.
Get $5 in gas to last until Welfare deposits tomorrow.
Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Kindergartener to school at 10:10.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Pickup two biggers at 2:40. (because the bigger bigger skipped band, otherwise pickup would be at 4.)
Home to change clothes.
Basketball practice for two boys 4 to 5pm.
Home again - feed, bathe, pajama six kids.
Read and pray
Put kids to bed.

Tuesday

Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
Stop by bank on the way to school to withdraw Welfare $.
Stop by other bank to deposit $.
Two biggers to school by 8am.
Stop by Grandmas to pickup $check$ for school pictures.
Get $100.00 in gas.
Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Drop off picture money at Kindergartener's old school.
Kindergartener to school at 10:10.
Music and Movement with 2yearold 10:30 - 11:00.
Trip to Costco to kill time.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Pickup oldest boy at 2:40. (because the bigger bigger has Chorus and gets a ride with her teacher.)
Home. Homework.
3:30 - Friend drops off 2 kids for me to watch while her middle one does dance class.
5pm - Oldest boy and his friend to soccer practice (just for fun!) and trade for the "middle" who had dance.
Home again - feed, bathe, pajama six kids.
7:20 - spare kids get picked up.
Read and pray
Put kids to bed.

Wednesday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
One bigger to school by 8am.  Bigger bigger staying home sick.
Drop Kindergartener with Grandma so she can babysit/take to school

Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Drop babies with Papa so that they can babysit during Mom's therapy.
Therapy in Irvine 10am.
Pickup babies at 11:30am.
Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Grandma calls and says she'll pick up oldest boy for early day at 1:40.  (Yay!)
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Drive to Grandma's to pickup oldest boy and wait for twenty minutes before I get the call that Grandma is waiting at our house.  Doh!  Drive home.

Homework, clean-up, prep boys for basketball game.
Basketball game for two boys 5 to 6pm. (Wrestle children.)
Send 4 youngers home with Grandma for babysitting.
Take 2 biggers to Open House. 6:00 - 7:00.  (an hour with my ex and his new wife.  Hooray.)
To grandma's to pickup youngers.  Feed the biggers.  Leave at 7:45pm.
Home again - feed, bathe, pajama six kids.
Read and pray
Put kids to bed.

Thursday
Wake up,
Make sure kids get dressed, make beds, clean rooms.
Two biggers to school by 8am.
Drop by friends to drop off homework he forgot at our house on Thursday.Preschooler to school by 8:30am.
Home.
Clean up a bit, feed kids.
Try to prepare chore charts while 2 year old and one year old make messes and scream at kindergartener.

Kindergartener to school at 10:10.
Music and Movement with 2yearold 10:30 - 11:00.
Albertson's for groceries.

Pickup Preschooler at 12pm.
Pickup kindergartener at 1:30.
Pickup biggers at 2:40. (because thank goodness GATE Science is over.)
Home. Homework. Dinner. Cleaning. Baths. Beds...

OH MY GOODNESS!

Can't finish now...  off to drop off...

I know I can do this.

Ten Minutes of Testimony

"You are a self-righteous, pompous ass who has had a testimony for 10 minutes and wants to preach her 'understanding' of the gospel for all to hear."

This is a quote from a letter I received on Friday.

I am a person who respects and appreciates the truth in all things.  Now, clearly, saying that I have only had a testimony for ten minutes is a complete EXAGGERATION OF THE TRUTH, but, fortunately, I also have an appreciation for exaggeration.  So, I will admit that this statement is mostly true.  I can absolutely be self-righteous (to everyone I have ever met.)  I am certainly pompous (mostly just to my ex and his wife) - although I would not consider myself to be an ass. What I would like to focus on in this post, however, is the latter part of that statement...  My testimony and my "preaching."

While I wouldn't say that my testimony was absent all of these years, I do admit that it has been strengthened immensely since my husband left me.  I joined the church in May, 1999.  I was barely 23 years old, and I married my husband 5 months later.  I had immaturity and insecurity galore at that point.  I believe that the insecurities I suffered led me to (too) quickly marry a man who I perceived to be "better" than me (in a moral and spiritual sense) and who I allowed to lead me spiritually, to my own detriment. Any strength of testimony I had as a "golden investigator" was lost the moment I married.  My testimony became completely reliant upon him and upon my relationship.  A later portion of that letter described me as "a miserable, frustrated, unhappy person who seeks her self-worth from outside, or at least used to, rather than seeing herself as a daughter of God who is loved and capable of anything and doesn't need a man or his money to give her worth."  Ah, the sad sad truth of what I was.  I definitely am not those things now, but that is undeniably the woman who I was for all 12 years of my marriage.  Does this person think that pointing out that truth is going to somehow hurt me?  I am OVER being hurt by the truth.  I am hurt by the lies!!

I love the strength of the words "had a testimony for 10 minutes."  I do understand that it is intended as an insult, but its truthfulness envelopes me.  I embrace it.  My testimony TRULY came into its own September of 2010; it was much less powerful before that point. I wonder, however, does a shorter timeline somehow diminish or discount the potency or the integrity of the testimony I bare?  Does my desire to share it with all who will listen hurt those around me?  I would argue it does not.

When I woke up and began my day on Saturday, September 25, 2010, it was a normal day.  My (then still, but separated) husband had the children, so I slept in.  I was pregnant with our sixth child.  Around ten AM I began to receive promptings from the Spirit.  I began to feel a sorrow I could not explain, nor could I describe.  Before our separation, I had cheated on my husband.  You (or he) could easily argue that my infidelity was repeated, both emotional and physical, so for simplicity sake I will leave it at that.  I had fully confessed my sin to Bishop and spouse with the intention of working things out, but when that became too difficult, we separated at the end of June/early July.  This day, my pain was suddenly overwhelming.  I was experiencing the sadness that my actions had caused!  Not just my sexual sin, but the many, many choices I had made over the years separating my heart from Heavenly Father and from my husband and family.  My priorities had been so skewed!  I felt my heart breaking.  I felt a calling (an inspiration?) that our family was on the path to destruction, and that I needed to do everything in my power to prevent it.  I received testimony and visions of the plan of happiness, the blessings of the temple, eternal exaltation and forever families.  I had finally entered my repentance.  I wept, and wept, and wept.

Since the next day was fast Sunday, and I was pregnant (therefore, not fasting,) I immediately began calling every faithful church-goer I knew asking them to fast for me and my husband and my family.  I called families from the Ward we had recently left, families from our past, even my father in-law, sincerely begging them to pray and fast for our family.  I called my husband, texted him, begged him to listen to me.  What began that day is a long story that ends with my divorce, his remarriage and her pregnancy. I could go on and on about all of my many realizations over that time, but it does not serve much of a purpose here.  Despite what I unquestionably KNEW about Heavenly Father's desire for us to rectify what we had broken, my husband had already moved on.  I realize now that his heart had already hardened to me and to our eternal companionship.

My heart, however, had permanently changed.  A true miracle had occurred.  I have an abundance of journal entries, text messages, and emails chronicling my experience.  Although I do go back to them, I know now that my testimony continues to grow and that today, it is (in a way) its own entity beyond that humble beginning (haha.)  In a discussion with a friend today, it was brought up that perhaps we have two distinct testimonies.  One is our "conversion" to the gospel (or our decision to be "saved" by Christ.) For me, this happened in 1999 when I decided to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and subsequently get married.  The other happens the moment we realize how God sees us and what our true purpose is in this life.  My day of repentance eighteen months ago was the day I saw myself and my life through my Savior's eyes.  I saw exactly what I needed to do to accomplish what He sees in me.  I felt the divine, eternal importance of my calling as Mother to six truly amazing children.

From that day forward, I fought for my family, my marriage, my husband until the bitter end.  I believe now that I maintained my hope for some sort of reconciliation up until the day (two weeks ago) I learned that my ex-husband's wife (of 4 months today) was 3 months pregnant.  I realized then that what Heavenly Father showed me we could have was not ever going to be.  The father of my six children has moved on and needs to commit himself fully to his new wife and child.  I continue to have a responsibility to these children to be and do my best in all things.  My testimony sustains me, and my family.

I now have no doubt that I understand the gospel of Jesus Christ, His plan for us, His expectations of us and His hope for our eternal destinies.  My understanding has been confirmed by the Spirit, by revelation, by Church members and by Church leaders.  My life is in order - my children are my number one priority.  Every decision I make every single day is made solely in the context of what is best for them. 

I DO NOT know how I am going to do this.  How does one raise six kids as a single mom?  Clearly it can only be done well, done right, with the Love of God, & the Support of Family, Friends, and the Church.  The Love and Support I've already received for my little (big) family is overwhelming!

So, I will take my Ten Minute Testimony, any day. I'll take it over the sad fantasy of living in denial and over the pathetic rationalization of setting sinful examples.   True Testimony, whether ten minutes or more, is the most wonderful and amazing thing I have ever experienced.  It is STRONG; it is POWERFUL, and, perhaps most importantly, it is TRUE!  I learn more every day and become better with each new understanding.  I share my knowledge, my faith, my experience because it strengthens me and it strengthens others.

With God and Jesus Christ, I know I can do this.